hmm, wonder if the title of this will catch person's attention so they read it lol. i was having grrness trying to make things ok with ravyn and be on talking terms, because i would like to be friends again, and as ussual she got all pissed and saying how just thinking of me and what i did to her makes her sick so she tries not to think about me, and it irks her that i randomly talk to her when she's told me a million times to leave her the fuck alone. so i was having horrible night :/ and for some reason when i'm bleh i turn to rochelle a bit, well not surprising i mean, i tend to think of her every day a little bit even though i've been unwillingly consumed by ravyn.
anyways, i started feeling like i just really don't want things to be like this and i really want to make it go away and be better and such and once again like i need to force myself to not think of ravyn so that i don't keep making her sick to her stomach :/ she doesn't think of me and i can't find a way to stop thinking of her, or more i constantly lose my defense. anyways so i started feeling all needing to cling and such, and i started bugging rochelle and buying her lots of gifts on her oh wait before that happened when i thought of wanting to make a change do something about my situation for some reason my mind went to wanting to drive and see rochelle, because i still want to meet her.
anyways started buying her lots of gifts and such, then i just started letting everything come back that was there when i was first talking to rochelle, before i had to force my feelings away for her because she decided to work things out with her bf and such. everytime i start to care about someone other then ravyn i seem to find myself needing to kill the feelings so i end up just being all wrapped in ravyn again soon as i started slowly killing her away. anyways i started having thoughts of meeting rochelle somewhere and such. the thoughts started to make my heart pound the way it does sometimes when i think of walking up to ravyn as if i'm actually going to do it. i think i even started hyper ventilating a little like i do at times when thinking of certain things about ravyn and playing things out in my head.
i had the thought of meeting her i donno at a gas station or something seeing her walking towards the door and running up and jumping on her or in her arms or something silly and just starting to kiss her cheek all excitedly and hyperishly. not ussual for me to act that way but at the thought of believing myself to actually meet her it led to that feeling inside me of overwelmed joy and just release of all pain. and i had thoughts of just laying my head on her and stuff. and before falling asleep slightly bad thoughts.. that i'm sure she doesn't mind.. i basically decided to let myself feel inlove with her for the night because i needed it badly. perhaps that seems weak of me or whatever, and i felt that surely i'd fall asleep and dream of ravyn because i often have things like that happen to tell me when i'm lying to myself or something or living in a dillusion.
instead i spent the entire night having dream after dream of rochelle. i had a weird dream that i somehow had gotten home footage of hers and put it together in a movie or something and was watching it. someone had asked what it was and i said footage of my friend in georgia, and i remember pondering if she would be mad at me though i didn't think she would be. perhaps like i pondered slightly if she'd be annoyed at me overflowing her inbox or kind of clinging a bit all the sudden. in the video she was at one point in a hot tub or something, and then all the sudden i was there too, and i believe i kissed her. and there were parts where she was younger and i was all the sudden in the movie and i was trying to figure out which person was her so i could hold her close to me.
i remember when i was watching the video i kept asking myself "is this the girl i love? can i love her? is she the one for me?" and stuff like that. through out the night flashes of her pictures from her profile on her kept appearing in my mind as well. probably because i kept staring at them last night and they're all i really know her by. i started thinking back to our conversations and her voice through out the night too, searching to see if something was there. heh, i think she's the only person i could think of talking to and actually create a response to something i say for and have it seem like her. i tend to have conversations with people in my mind, but when i thought of talking to rochelle it was the first time it sort of seemed like the other person was there speaking and i wasn't just pretending to be them or something and making up what they'd say.
but all night was like one long swirl of connected dreams and thoughts. there was one part that was about something else sort of though, but i think it gradually curved into the other dreams. there was this girl who was younger ish, and we were in a large house or something. other people were involved somehow, and i think she was somehow trapped there like a prisoner of some sort of something, i think i was too. it was all very eary and unclear. i think i wanted to help her, i think i tried to. now that i think of it as an after thought the girl reminds me of my friend holly who i'm trying to help through some guy issues right now.
i tend to find myself wanting to burry myself into rochelle and press my lips against the tattoo on her chest and just forget everything. i want to fall asleep in her lap, and let her take care of me. it is possibly my clinging in desperation and need i know that. i know it's probably stupid to let myself think of it as i knew it was probably pointless the first time i let myself feel such things, but i figure she won't mind too much and it's better then a dillusion that causes me to talk to someone and make them sick. donno, i feel too comftorable when it comes to rochelle, like i don't have to care. it feels like i couldn't hurt her.
not because i'd care too much to let it happen and would fight myself internally refusing to ever let it hurt her, but i feel like who i am wouldn't hurt her. like she has the strength to protect herself against my problems. i get to that point of thinking but then realize i don't know if she would ever love me though. if she did i don't think i could hurt her, just i don't know if she ever would love me. or if i could love her as much as i've loved before. the lonely sort of selfish part of me started wondering if i could make her love me, seems i'm good at making people love me even when i don't want to. i wonder if i could take her heart away and make it mine. she told me i've taken a piece of it and i do believe she'll always care about me, but will it ever be everything? seems the only song i've gotten a decent recording of is from when i was pondering these exact same things the last time i let myself start to fall for her.
... before this goes on anymore
i need to know the truth
i need to know your feelings
do you love me too
if i promised you forever
would you be there in the end
if i promised you forever
would you still love me then
i want to feel your lips girl
breath you in my heart
i want to make you mine girl
say we'll never part
before this goes on anymore
i need to know the truth
i need to know your heart girl
do you love me too
i want to make forever
in your arms tonight
i want to live forever
if you love me too
s'pose what brings me back and gives me the ability to even let myself think/feel such things is because i never got an answer. i thought she would have school yesturday, and i was hoping i'd hear from her. i miss her. we can always talk for hours, and i think if her phone didn't die and we didn't have other things to do we could always talk and have things to say. i miss how we got to talk a lot when we first met. though, if we still talked regularily i don't think i'd ever start to lose the feelings. i don't know if i'd even really think of ravyn anymore.. but, i don't know our lives don't allow us to talk regularily, and we continue a routine of seeming inlove and together when we talk and then once we're gone we go back to our lives. i don't know, i think i'm pondering this so much right now because i need something new to ponder. maybe i need some sort of hope.
