Well, in less than 2 weeks my Son will be doing his annual 3 week training from the 9th till the 31st, which is usually no big deal, but on the 4th of June he leaves for Iraq. His original orders were for 240 days, 8mos. But as luck would have it, the orders got changed to 400 days.. about 14mos. I've been in much of a funk lately because I haven't seen much of him. He really hasn't been home since we took a vacation to go see my brother. I've seen him less than one day total in over a week. I am not sure if this is his way of beginning the seperation processes or what, but it's killing me. I miss my son. We don't do a whole lot together as it was but it just gave me comfort to know he was ok when he would at least come home. He has pretty much quit his job too. I guess he doesn't plan to go back to it when he returns. Hsi going away to Basic and AIT is nothing compared to what I am going to have to deal with this time. Lord give me strength.
I seldom if hardly ever ask for things in my status. When I do, I never expect for anyone to really deliver without some sort of expectation. Most of all I don't expect or ask anyone to "pay" for my way or aid in my enjoyment of suchactivities on here with Bling/Blasts/VIP etc.. Whenever I get bling from people it's generall from a select few who are truly friends that I also give to. I am a "random acts of kindness" person, once in a while I will even bling and rate someone just to level them for no reason. I am usually the one that hands out the gifts and I do so without any expectations because I myself get the enjoyment out of it. From my experience and the observation of others, it seems to be a quid pro quo. I'll buy you this if you do this for me or I'll do this for you if you do this for me. Especially when it comes to guys. I guess this is why i seldom talk to you fella's..lol The exclusive 4 Men that have made it in to my Family are the only ones in the 3 yrs that I have been on here that I have had the pleasure of interacting with that have never been rude, crude and have had great conversations with that did not involve sexual innuendo's.
My family list is small because those are the few that have really kept up with me no mater what. Bling or no bling, VIP or no VIP, no matter where I am on a list or how active I am being. Top friends too.
It's almost one in the morning and am about to head to bed and just had a bunch of thoughts rambling through my head and figured what the hell, may as well share a few.
Ya know.. The only "relationship" I have been in in the last 20 yrs has been which had been this on again off again booty call that lasted for 2 and a half years and officially ended 8mos ago. The funny thing about it is that I hadn't realized I guess that I had fallen for the bastard untill we had ended things. Funny how shit happens. You get used to things being the way they are. I mean it was great.. We may not see each other for weeks or even talk to each other just as long, but ya know there was always that notion that that other person would always be there. I guess the thing it made me realize is that I had spent so much of my life making sure I didn't need anyone that it was too late pretty much to let him know I needed him because by that time he had started seeing someone else.. Now he is married. Even more uncanny is that we are better friends now and communicate more now than we had ever had when we were seeing each other. That being strictly as friends even.
It has made me think of this. If and I strongly mean if. I am one of those people who was meant to be in a relashionship, I would be in one. I just don't think I am. It isn't that I don't think I am incapable it's just not a priority for me and never has been. I guess I'm like whatever. Who knows..perhaps just haven't come across that guy who makes me want to change my ways and give up my space..
|You know, this is a rambler of an entry. I am a very open and outspoken person. Yet at the same time I am a very private and closed up individual, if that can even make any sense. A really wise friend told me that I need to come out of my "bubble" and not be in such a shell.
I was thinking about that statement and pondered how is that possible. I can talk to just about anyone and tell them just about anything. I guess most people I talk to, aren't people who last around long enough to really get close to me. So in a sense it really doesn't matter what I say. I really don't have anything to hide or any information I divulge about myself I feel doesn't really matter. Things that really really matter to me, or are close to the heart of me, no one ever gets close enough to me to know. Or rather hangs around. Though I have tons of people in my life everyday, I can count on one hand the number of people who are close to me. Even then, they really don't know what is with in me. They are family so it doesn't count so much. The close friends I have are far and away. That is what happens when you choose to up root yourself and make changes for the better. As you make one area better one area tends to suffer.
Guys to me are a mystery. I know, guys say the same thing about women. I haven't been "serious" with anyone, and when I say serious, I mean in a long term relationship in oh I guess 18yrs. Pretty much my Sons entire life. I concentrated on raising him and my career. Not that I didn't see people, I just didn't let myself get there, not that I didn't want to. I think though that also did a bad thing. Now am not sure I know how to get there. Now I have gotten so accustomed to a life of being single that I do 1 of 2 things. I stick with guys that give me nothing or shrug off guys that may be worth something. For instance, there's someone that I would be willing to let get close enough to get close to me, someone I would love to shower with affection and open up to, yet I can just about bet my life he will never come around to that way of thinking so I know I am safe. Safe being a relative word. Being involved with someone you know is not good for you or you already know will or could hurt you in the long run is less damaging than when you get hurt by one of the nice guys. Trust me, I've been there. You don't expect to get your heart broken by a nice guy and when you do, it takes the cake..
So I guess for now and perhaps till always.. I'll stay the way I am.. With no New Year's Kiss, No Valentine, just me.
Words cannot express the grief one feels when one loses love. Then again, wise words can heal wounds and help us reflect on the tragedy. If you have undergone a personal loss -- the loss of love or of a loved one -- you will find this list of lost love quotes very relevant. Read the best quotes on lost love by famous authors like Samuel Butler, Kahlil Gibran, Socrates, and many more.
1. Washington Irving.
Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.
2. Otomo No Yakamochi
Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.
4. Jean Anouilh
There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy.
5. Alfred Lord Tennyson
'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
6. Kahlil Gibran
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
7. Margaret Mitchell
I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
8. G. K. Chesterton
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
9. Samuel Butler
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.
The hottest love has the coldest end.
So, it's no secret I have been gone more than on. I have been gone more than on primarilly because I got bored. Things progressively got more costly if you wanted to get leveled or become noticed or what ever.
When I first came on 2 and a half years ago, sure there were people then too who were complaining about how things were when FU first opened up as Cherry Tap. But I didn't know it then, I came in just as it had turned in to Fubar.
It was a lot of fun. At least it was for me, as I got to know some of the people and got to know my was around and figured out what to do to level. Yes I spent a lot of bucks on FU, on myself and on others. Do I regret it? Absolutey not, because it was my entertainment. I didn't go to bars and do stuff like that, I work a lot so I come home and relaxed to FU.
Some may think, wow that's sad, but for those of us who work a lot and just don't have the time or energy to get out on some days, this was social scene. You know what I mean you work a holics or busy bodies..lol
Anyway...It's an 18 and over site. I can understand getting after those who have abused the limits of it's TOS and those who have gone to the extreme with their pictures and those who have just been plain nasty to others, but it's a shame that so much has now been restricted.
I remember that at one time there wasn't a day that there was less than 65K people on at one time. Now it seems a struggle to see it at 40K even with the near double the members it has now that it did when I first joined. I am amazed to see it has 45K on right now.
The added levels were great as it gave a new goal, but it also meant more money with the requirements needing you to bling people as part of it. Doesn't mean you had to pay for them, but someone had to so that means you better be tight with someone who had money.
Sadly, though I have no problems with someone's choice to participate in recreational drug use, for a site which is seemingly trying to control on how it's members display themselves, isn't it counter productive that they promote drug use by selling bling pertaining to such?
I know I am disgusted and disappointed that I can't show a pic of myself in a bra if I chose to but I can give you a bling of a pot leaf or a bong making them money..
Just my two cents..
2009 held a lot of ups and downs. There were some changes that transpired and some revelations.
My Son joined the Army National Guard Reserves at the end of 2008 and headed out for Basic training in Feb 13, 09 and was gone until the 3rd of July. Even though at this point he was already a Man, it was the first time we had ever been apart for such a long time. I was scared for what he was about to do and yet excited for his new experience. Yes, I cried!
While he was gone, it was strange being home alone for so long. But I guess it didn't matter too much since most of what I did wasn't any different than if he was at home, I worked all the time and came home and slept. Sad huh? There were no booty calls, well not really.
In March I was hit with a bad infection and had to go on some major antibiotics. I had never had to take so many pills before. The first set was 3600mg of which I had an allergic reaction too so I had to be switched to something else. I am as a rule a very healthy person, so that took a toll on me. It explained why for a good couple of weeks it didn't matter how many energy drinks I would drink, I couldn't sustain any energy, I was always tired. Well I guess my body was busy trying to fight off an infection. Go figure. Yeah, the Doc chewed me out good. He said, had I not finally gone in, I would have ended up on an IV of antibiotics and in the hospital. Ya know you think I would have learned my lesson then and I should go to the Doc now on this other issue that had been bugging me for the last couple of months.. hmmmm
Anyway...the past 18mos now, I have also lost near 70lbs. I have gone from a size 26 to an 18 and just shopping for clothes alone it has been an eye opener. My body sags in places and as my body continues to catch up and form since I have joined the gym, I am sure my clothes shopping isn't over yet.
After Jonathan came back from Basic, things went well. My/Our luck started to go sour in August I guess and for the remainder of the year so to speak so we/I am looking forward to a great 2010.
I bought a new car in August and gave my old one to Jonathan. A week after I bought the car, I had to replace the windshield because of a bad ding that created a spiderweb effect. A week before my 1st car payment, I was side swiped by a non-licensed motorist who didn't even own the car she was driving. That was on Labor Day. It took till the first week of November before I even saw my settlement check for that to get my car fixed.
Unfortunately, just a few days after I got that check, on November 6th, my son called me frantic to tell me he had just rolled the Kia in the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel, that he had glass all over him and that he was bleeding everywhere. Imagine laying down on the couch and dozing off and being half coherent getting that kind of a call. My first instinct was to rush to him ofcourse. But after I called my parents to let them know, my Dad said don't and wait for them to call me with what Hospital they have taken him to. He was right ofcourse, as I wouldn't have had been able to get to him since he was IN the tunnel and there was an 8 mile back up to get to the tunnel. As mentioned before this blog, those that knew about the accident, we were blessed in the fact that not only did he manage to walk away from that accident with bumps and scratches and bruises, but so did his 3 other passengers. No other cars were miraculously involved. Needless to say, that settlement check went to taking care of the disposal of the Kia since it wasn't on Full coverage and it was totaled. No medical coverage for Jonathan so you can only imagine what the hospital and Doctor bills have been generated from that night.
Not that what had happened to the new car was bad enough, but in October, before Jonathan's accident, I came home from work one night to find that I had been Burglarized. Oh, finger printing dust powder does NOT clean up easy!
All in all it has been a ROUGH last half to 2009. I say though ya know, shit happens. I could be all woe is me, be really depressed, but you just gotta move on.
On a personal love life kinda level, the guy I was seeing on and off since July 07 and I have called it no more communicado the beginning of December. It actually should have been done in the summer but we hooked up again for god knows why. I guess I was a glutton for punishment, he and I are just on two different playing fields. Even though we both WANT the same exact thing from eachother, we both have VERY different views about how it should be played out. Go figure, if he just wasn't so stubborn he coulda seen how he woulda ended up the big winner. No love loss, just lust.
So, on Jan 12th, Jonathan will be heading to CA for a month to try and get things established and perhaps make the move out there in March. This will be especially hard for me, since not only am I going to loose my son, but I will be alone. It's been me and him against the world all these years, what am I to do now with the thought he isn't going to come home.. But that is where that is concerned. I hope for me to somehow manage to find a way to live my life and find ME. Me free of taking care of someone else and just taking care of ME!
Real Love isn't just peace and harmony
butterflies and day dreaming
It's fire and ice
It's pushing each other to the limit
yet being able to let it go
It's realizing you are doing things
you never wanted to before with out
even thinking about it just because.
It's not giving a care anymore to things
that used to bother you before.
It isn't that you have changed
It's because you have connected with
someone that wasn't a check list.
|Often times we forget who we are as we mirror ourselves unknowingly in the image of our friends. We forget what matters to us as we hide those we start to care about from those we see every day and or live with such as room mates. That they may judge us for desiring what may not be acceptable in their eyes. We become focused on being cool yet trying to convince ourselves we don't care. Or say such things as keeping personal things personal when in truth it is just an excuse to not have to admit that you are a better person as if it is a bad thing. Perhaps a better person is a bad term to use, but rather your own individuality.
One of the things I feel that makes this world such a difficult place is that people can't just be. There will and is always someone who is judging, someone who is always hiding and someone who is always just.... There are bigger issues to deal with out there in the world, it isn't that I myself am guilt free of what I speak of, but I like to think of myself as a free thinker. I may have my opinions, I may have my values, but I do not push them on people and I let people be who they are despite who or what they are and who they want to be with.
Life is too short to minimize your chances for happiness for the sake of keeping an image in the mirror of your friends..