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You know, this is a rambler of an entry. I am a very open and outspoken person. Yet at the same time I am a very private and closed up individual, if that can even make any sense. A really wise friend told me that I need to come out of my "bubble" and not be in such a shell.
I was thinking about that statement and pondered how is that possible. I can talk to just about anyone and tell them just about anything. I guess most people I talk to, aren't people who last around long enough to really get close to me. So in a sense it really doesn't matter what I say. I really don't have anything to hide or any information I divulge about myself I feel doesn't really matter. Things that really really matter to me, or are close to the heart of me, no one ever gets close enough to me to know. Or rather hangs around. Though I have tons of people in my life everyday, I can count on one hand the number of people who are close to me. Even then, they really don't know what is with in me. They are family so it doesn't count so much. The close friends I have are far and away. That is what happens when you choose to up root yourself and make changes for the better. As you make one area better one area tends to suffer.
Guys to me are a mystery. I know, guys say the same thing about women. I haven't been "serious" with anyone, and when I say serious, I mean in a long term relationship in oh I guess 18yrs. Pretty much my Sons entire life. I concentrated on raising him and my career. Not that I didn't see people, I just didn't let myself get there, not that I didn't want to. I think though that also did a bad thing. Now am not sure I know how to get there. Now I have gotten so accustomed to a life of being single that I do 1 of 2 things. I stick with guys that give me nothing or shrug off guys that may be worth something. For instance, there's someone that I would be willing to let get close enough to get close to me, someone I would love to shower with affection and open up to, yet I can just about bet my life he will never come around to that way of thinking so I know I am safe. Safe being a relative word. Being involved with someone you know is not good for you or you already know will or could hurt you in the long run is less damaging than when you get hurt by one of the nice guys. Trust me, I've been there. You don't expect to get your heart broken by a nice guy and when you do, it takes the cake..
So I guess for now and perhaps till always.. I'll stay the way I am.. With no New Year's Kiss, No Valentine, just me.
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