Candyce's blog: "personal and honest"

I'm shy (irl), considered 'plain' and always the last to be chosen it seems. I'm quiet but have a big voice. I'm generous and truly hate when I get used! I'm the person who drives 4 HOURS out of their way - just to give a friend a ride. I love with a passion and hate with a vengeance. I'm a loyal and true friend - but wrong me - I will remain your friend but will never be 'close' again. I'm compassionate to others in need - but greedy when it comes to my heart. I'm stubborn and willful and want things my way - but I also follow and give the lead to others. I hate to be judged and thus do not judge others! I look beyond the outside 'view' and see the true beauty inside. I respect the beliefs and opinions of others - 'don't preach to me and I won't preach to you'. I'm creative and talented - but quickly become bored. I look to try new things but hesitate at taking the first step. I become 'obsessed' with new projects - once started - and must see them finished (especially when I comes to my artistic side). I always lend an ear when the need arises - though I'm not always quick to accept advise from others. I don't like how I look - but figure my personality makes up for my physical 'flaws' (I hope) I look for the gentle side of things and accept the harsh when it comes. I accept what I have in my life - but I'm always trying to improve and better it. I try to make people laugh in tense and uncomfortable situations. I give others smiles even though inside I'm crying. I keep my friends close, for they - if true - will be there what all else fails in my life. I keep my 'enemies' at a safe distance - for they make me strong with the trails they throw my way. I am a companion and lover.... though treated unfairly. ~ ~ ~ ~ For all that I am and things I have done, I am simply me - wrapped in a plain package - no sparkles or frills. Just simply me. ~Candyce~

Don't want to be another of 'THEM' Want to feel beautiful.. Both outside and in. Don't want to be another 'notch' in the belt.. Want what is true.. That which is felt. Don't want to be a passing thought on the breeze.. Want to show all that I am.. That which is me. Don't want the words just told in play.. Want the 'touch' that tells me.. you're here to stay. Don't want the bad.. Don't want the good.. Want all that comes with each.. The way that it should. Don't want the complicated.. Don't want the simple.. Just smile at me.. And we'll meet in the middle. ~Candyce~

To know my heart you must first touch my mind. To know what it is.. I treasure inside. For me to open myself to you.. You must show me that yours is willing and true. Once you’ve seen ..and cared to know.. Only then a small piece of it will I show. For I guard my heart fiercely..and let very few in. But once there..you’ll stay forever within. One thing though.. you must keep in mind.. If you touch my heart... that’s all the further you’ll get for my soul is held by another.. and thus.. not mine to give. ~Candyce~

((This is something I wrote a while back..but wanted to share anyway. )) When one has a life where things don't seem to matter anymore - should they just say hell with it and give... accepting that nothing they do or say will matter at all anyway? And when it comes to 'love' within that life... the love of friendship.. of that there's no doubt.. but when 'love of the soul' is no longer there... does it really matter anymore? Does love matter anymore if it's just something that causes pain? and when love no longer matters.. should life then matter at all? ~ ~ Many thougts now go through my head - from something I read that a dear friends wrote... They said - "Love - it's the choice we ever get no choice in." Indeed such is true - for we can't help who we love.. it just happens. Whether it's planned or it caught you completely off guard. ~ ~ I've come to wonder as well if the word 'love' really means anything now-a-days when it's told to someone. That the words 'I Love You' seem more then not to be used for ones personal gain.. thus taking the treasured meaning and tossing it away. LOVE to me is something special- it's not a materialistic thing.. bought and sold... but something that touchs deep within. Something expressed in small ways... NOT FOR GAIN.. but for the pleasure of seeing one smile, of making them feel they matter - of wanting them for WHO they are.. NOT WHAT they have. Love is something you feel, not just with your mind or your heart.. but deep down within your soul - your inner being where few have ever touched. ~It's the oneness in a smile.. A touch within a glance...~ *sighs* There are those of us out there who don't USE the words..'I Love You' unless we truly mean them - deep down within - for many times we have been on the wrong end of those words... SO we don't use them lightly. When the time is right - - as it's felt so deep within it makes it hard for us to breath... then do we cautiously say them... for indeed they are truly meant. So... indeed when I say it... when I say I LOVE YOU... I mean it with all my being! ~Candyce~

I sit here on the edge of a vast lake (in my mind). A full moon shing overhead - casting a soft glow over everything. How peaceful everything seems. How the world around me sleeps away it's worries. How odd my life seems in comparison. *sighs* My life, such as it was, is and will become. It seems I've always had to give and expect nothing in return. I would sit back in my own little shell - sit there quietly and not cause problems - while the world around me seemed to go by in a flash. The things left behind seem sad memories of hurt & loss, fear & rejection and most of all.. loneliness. I had a dad who would drink all the time and beat on my mom... a mom who seemed to be constantly working to provide for my brothers and I, and then there were us kids... 3 boys and 1 girl. The rebel, the shy quiet one, the clown and the dysfunctional one. We did what we had to do to make it until we were old enough to move out.... Its kinda sad really, I had to move 3 states at first.. then 3000 miles to get away from my family. 3000 miles that bring me to where I am now. I've been in the same place now for a while... and at times I wonder if home would have been better then this...I've had my share of problems since moving here. Some I wish I could change - others - well they would stay the same. Do I have any regrets? Sure.. who doesn't. Do I think about them?.. yeah, but not enough to drive me crazy. I have certain family and a few friends who know what my 'now' is like and they know what I'm goin thru. As for my life.. and what it will become - -Hmmm... if I knew the answer to that, life wouldn't be fun... now would it... We are what we make ourselve, by the choices we make and the actions we have. Everyone is in charge of their oun lives..... ...some of us just need a little - or rather a lot- of help along the way. ;) ~Candyce~