Kinkstar Sin's blog: "Sin's Domain"

I'm choosing one hell over another right now. the hell of movin back in with my family, restrictions ranging from eating dinner with them every single night to not dating for at least a year. i will become a prisoner to my own mind. that hell is nothing compared to the pain i feel sitting next to someone i love who can't even hold me when i cry because i have caused him too much pain and cost him too much of himself. i hurt the one person i tried my damnedest not to.

i said i never wanted to be the one that caused him misery and i failed in that aspect. he says its for the best, and he probably is right. i don't care about right or wrong at the moment. all i feel is dead inside. my heart is shattered, like humpty dumpty on the fucking wall, it will never be put back together again.

he scared me like someone else last year, with all the right words and the ease of which i let myself trust him. i knew it was going to happen this way. i ruin everything. i can't take care of myself on a day to day basis. i need someone to tell me to shower, to tell me to eat, sometimes this goes on for weeks at a time. sometimes i can do it on my own. but he can't be a caretaker. he's here to start working on himself, and i broke that for him because he cared too much and he tried too hard to take care of me.

the next person to start scaring me with the ease i start to trust them will be pushed away full force. statements of "i'm not them" will be ignored, because it has nothing to do with them. it's my own inability to be in a relationship. it's my own inability to take care of myself. it's my own inability to reach for any potential that i may have because i have severe psychological issues that have recently been diagnosed and never been addressed.

i may or may not have access to a computer when i get home, so my time on here may be limited. i will probably borrow one from time to time to check messages and leave updated blogs for those in my friends list that actually give a fuck what goes on in my life.

right now, i'm in more pain than i can describe in words. i feel like my soul is dead. my heart is dead. everything inside me that was worth anything has been torn out and split into tiny pieces.

time heals all wounds. i call bullshit. time simply leaves scars that never heal completely, that stay there forever and each person that cuts you after has them to contend with. maybe i'll be able to cover some of the scars up someday. but right now they are everywhere. and my emotional side is bleeding out and i can't stop any of the wounds from excreting pain.

i'm babbling now because i don't really know how to get everything out that i'm feeling enough to be able to live with myself. i'm taking things literally thirty seconds at a time because that whole one day at a time is too much, and five minutes at a time is too much, and even one minute at a time is unbearable. my mother asked me if i could stay here til the seventh at first, i told her i didn't know how to make it through the next hour. hence why i'm leaving tomorrow.

i still love him, more than i can express. i hate that i am so broken that nothing will come of my love. i hate that he doesn't love me the way i love him. i hate that i thought that he did. i hate that i was so blind. i wish i could change it all and have him see the me that i was when i could do things like go to school on my own, and still drive, and talk to friends regularly. but he got me right when i started back down, right around a suicide attempt, through medication switches that made me worse instead of better.

knowing the reasons that it cannot work does not lessen the pain.