Kinkstar Sin's blog: "Sin's Domain"

I'm back in new jersey now. my faith and hope in life have been extinguished. the reason i am still alive has more to do with cowardice than desire to continue living.

i failed at life once again. i failed at love. i failed at meeting the potential that everyone else but me can see.

for those that had my number, i no longer have a cell phone. for those that had my yahoo, i do not know when i will be able to access a computer from now on, as i mentioned in the last blog.

i am in excruciating pain now, from the inside. my heart hurts. my soul hurts. i don't regret a single moment in his arms. not a single kiss. i only regret that i could not be the person he needed me to be in order for this to have been a relationship. 

he said over and over that he did not think he made me happy, because how could someone that made me so happy make me so angry... the truth of it is, he's the only one that made me happy in a long time. the anger is something i could never control. i wish i could have, perhaps then i would not have made him so miserable.

someone asked me how my day was yesterday at the atlanta airport. i told him that my boyfriend broke up with me days before and i was moving back home with family. trying to be a sweet person he said "well if he's sending you back home with your family he's an asshole and didnt' deserve you" ... i had to explain that he's not an asshole at all. that i'm incapable of relationships. that he could not be a caretaker of me when he had to take time to figure out how best to take care of himself. i had to explain that my pain and my suffering, although not my fault necessarily, is my own doing, and that none of it was to lie at ghost's feet.

i'm sure you all arent' used to these types of blogs from me. i'm sorry they're not full of their usual sarcastic charm, but that part of me is broken right now. most parts of me are broken right now. the parts of me that are not dead, that is.

people keep telling me i will make it through this. either i will or i will not. this will pass, with or without me.

~sin