Kinkstar Sin's blog: "Sin's Domain"

i went to the psychiatrist yesterday, and as predicted he wouldn't prescribe xanax because of my multiple overdoses. he did however prescribe clorazepate which is another benzo, and best i can tell, although it is startinng to calm my anxiety, i'm thinking with how long its half life is, i may end up just sleeping most of it away. this does nothing for my depression which causes me to isolate and avoid most of the day as it is. i've been hiding from the world again, not only by avoiding talking to people online, but even in the house, the times i'm sleeping are completely opposite to anyone else, i hide in the bedroom. i'm so afraid that things won't work that i'm sabotaging them into not working.

my dad's supposed to send out the shit i need to start working again, he still hasn't done that, he hasn't sent the money out to pay for my doctor's bills and he tore his achilles tendon so i have no idea when that will happen. as an aside: don't feel bad for him, he's in his fifties treating his body like he's 20, stupidity should be and in this case is, painful.

i'm trying to get through this without causing too much stress on people but i've come to realize the more i try to keep to myself, the worse i am when i explode, the more i try to let it out, the more people think i'm throwing a fucking pity party or i'm using them rather. maybe that's not entirely true. maybe that's just what i feel like i'm doing by talking to people about it. i hate burdening others with my problems, with my own hell. i have long since come to accept that most of these issues will be things i struggle with for my entire life. i give my friends, my boyfriends, my family as much insight as possible as soon as possible when it comes to all of this, but it always comes out the same.

i wear people out. they get tired of it. they don't understand that some things are still beyond my control. they take my outbursts personally. they take my lack of communication personally. they take my requests for help as weakness now which has taken me literally years to realize are acts of courage. it's easy to say "i can't do this" it's alot harder to say "please help me". and now that i'm learning how to say it, i'm still unable to handle the feelings of rejection that i feel when someone is unable to help regardless of reasoning. sometimes i feel like i'm unlearning how to ask. my requests are getting more vague again, quieter.

if we all didn't need some insanity in my life, i'd discourage anyone from getting close to me, but from what i'm told, it's what makes life interesting.

i need to learn to stop hating myself, my actions, and accept them for what they are. they're parts of a condition that can and will be fixed, whether through medication, therapy, or whatever other means i can come across. i am not giving up right now. no matter how much i fear that light in the tunnel being a train, i'm still trying to walk the fuck towards it, because i can't let myself go back into the darkness.

so if you do or don't hear from me in the next few days, it will be a testament to how the medication changes are affecting me. if you are one of the people i tend to talk to through these things, please feel free to message me, but do not be offended if i do not respond... i'm trying to pull through this, and i do need help, but sometimes i'm not capable of accepting it.

love you all,

~sin