Kinkstar Sin's blog: "Sin's Domain"

i still don't know if i have enough strength to make it hour to hour, day to day. i know alot of these blogs lately are coming out as poor me, pity me, whatever. that's not my intention. i've just been using it as a place to get out what's been in my head, as i really don't have another place to let things out at the moment. i don't have a cell phone anymore. i don't have a computer that i can use regularly. at least not as regularly as i was using it before i moved back to jersey.

my medications are keeping me calm for the most part. but i'm not sure calm is always the best thing for me. when i have too much time to myself instead of freaking out in anxiety, now i find myself slipping into a spiral of worse depression. i have a hard time reaching out to the friends i've had for years. and those same friends don't have a consistent way to get a hold of me either to try to help me through it.

i know one person can't be the reason to move forward unless that one person is me, but i'm still fighting with the idea that i do not believe that i'm worth pushing forward for. when left alone with myself, i still do not like what i see, in fact most times i despise it because i'm not able to function on the level that i was able to even five years ago. i used to be able to work. to drive. to go out on my own.

i need to stop comparing myself to the person i was then or it's just going to continue to frustrate me.

talking to him still calms me. i'm reworking my perspective still, but i think now i can say that it's not the hope of a future with him that drives me forward, but that going forward will be the only way there will ever be hope for a future with him. i'm sure that still places too much on him as far as hope goes... but at least it's working in the right direction, i believe.

~sin