Kinkstar Sin's blog: "Sin's Domain"

day two of the new medication. the pain in my chest from the constant anxiety has been replaced by the usual hole. the one that feels like there is no one there that will be here, no one to understand. that no matter what i do, i will be alone. i try to fill it by asking someone to be close to me, in the same room at the least. to not worry about whether or not i'm sleeping, and still it's not enough.

my fears of being abandoned are replaced with the fear that it's already happened and my mind is just refusing to accept it. no matter what anyone does, i seem to make them feel like it isn't enough because there are things that i know will help me that will just not be done.

sometimes i need someone to hold my hand. you can't do that through the internet no matter how badly you may want to. sometimes i need a hug. sometimes i need to be held. and "/hugs" although appreciated for the sentiment can't fill the void, can't help escape the fear.

what do you do when you need someone and they can't be there for you? what do you do when you try so hard to handle it on your own and you want the fear and pain to go away so badly, you wish you could disappear. you want to run from it all but you know it will follow you anywhere you go. you want to be held, and feel safe again, and it's become too much to ask.

i know, it's not fair to anyone involved. i didn't ask for this either.

~sin