Kinkstar Sin's blog: "sin's ramblings"

motivation. (Terza Rima Sonnet)

lost inside the remnants of a breaking heart
once fractured, some pieces will never be whole
though once intertwined are now ripping apart

one cannot be removed from inside my soul
to try cuts through me, jagged frozen steel knives
long past time for me to break out of this role

my emotions unchecked are ruining lives
i cannot let myself continue so weak
nothing this overwhelming for long survives

in my rational mind, my wise mind i seek
quiet, maybe dormant, inside me it lies
no longer in this task can i remain meek

in what follows, possibly part of me cries
although if i fail, i know, all of me dies.

 

~Sinamynlee

Anything.

i melt in your eyes
i try so hard to pull away
just to run back to you
you are so fucking beautiful
in my dazed dreams
and moreso
when i am awake

you are dangerous because i let you in
i let you in because you are dangerous
you burn me  with passion
and desire
and with curiousity
you make me smile
you make me dream

i want more from you than i would ever ask
i want your desire
i want your dreams
i want your darkness
i want your tears
your deepest joy
your greatest sorrows
your fears, your gaze
your everything
right now you are everything

i dream in shades of you
i sleep wrapped in imaginary arms
i awaken wondering if you are a dream
and you are a dream
i wonder if you understand
-and how you possibly could
when even i cannot-
what i am going through
just knowing you exist
just knowing there is someone like you out there
beyond my grasp, beyond my sight

i do want your body
this is true
but there exists so much more in my desires
i tried to tell myself
you are just a body
to objectify you
in a way that would let me accept your existence
but you don't say anything...
to upset me... to scare me... hurt me...
and all that just frightens me more

the only time that i believe aomeone is
even remotely interested in me
is when i'm barely interested in him
it's been my experience
men i would gladly kneel down and beg for
want nothing more from me than a girl
who will kneel and beg

you will never worship me
the way i already worship you
will never wonder how many hours it will be
before you will hear my voice again
how many days, weeks
until you see my face
you will never believe
that there must be a higher power
simply because i exist
you won't run your finger
across your lips
in an absentminded gesture
because the thought of my face
made you want to feel something more than distance.

i am just a girl a hundred miles away
fantasizing about a man she doesn't know
wishing she could feel him,

touch him, taste him
i am just one of a thousand girls
who would give everything for a piece of your soul
i would be a fool to pretend
i will ever be anything more.

~Sinamynlee

Awakening.

when no words come
you inspire me to breathe
some are solely to write about
some to paint pictures of
to laugh for
to cry over
we are motivated to do
so many things
by so many souls
but rare is the muse
who emboldens another
to stop surviving
and learn to live.

~Sinamynlee

compulsion.

slicing off small strips of flesh
sharp pain relieving pressure of boiling blood
the lips being still moving
forcing thoughts from brain to word
so eyes don't pop out of their delicate sockets

alone and aware only of the voice
eminating from the mouth attached to the face
that does not feel like a part of it
trying not to cry, not to scream
afraid either will never stop if succumbed to

teeth clenched every time the words stop
the nails digging further in
wondering which pause will give way
to the blood beneath
it is babbling incessantly now, trying to save its life

hoping for the calming word, the calming voice
the calming caress to remind it that there is more
that the words will fade, the tension will fade
and when night comes once again
all will be as it was before, it will be safe again.

~sinamynlee

twisted, misshapen,
fractured pieces of a memory
cracked through time
cannot replace pieces of a defective soul
tears pushed back
trying to escape
creating condensation
in and around a broken mind
carefully wrapped, surrounded
enveloped in metallic love
stowed away in darkness
with comfort of a mending heart

~sinamynlee

saltwater.

my soul is flooded
with tears i won't cry
it is not a stream, or a river
my soul is stagnant
with unshed saltwater
the flood comes up halfway through my heart
above it is just a vaccuum
it is not nothingness
a vaccuum sucking the life out of my heart
sucking the life out of my head
i am retreating into myself
trying to save a piece of me from drowning
it is too late
a temporary whirpool forms
the black hole inside me moving underwater temporarily
both the me i try to save
and the me i sent in to save it
drown in my soul
before my soul's breath is pulled in as well
leaving an empty shell
with blank eyes
blank expression
my body moves
with no direction
i am dead inside
i do not care if i get resurrected
or if things remain as they are
with my drowned heart and suffocated soul

~sinamynlee

you're still the guiding force
behind my decisions
i'm still afraid of you leaving
of you giving up on me
you're the reason i don't dig my nails in
or jab my pen into flesh
i try to be my own higher power
but the truth is
you demonstrate a power
far greater than me
i love you like the darkest
most treasured secret
something i want to share
i'm afraid to share
something i want to keep
forever to myself
I love you

~Sinamynlee

these go with the other two in here, there's others missing from the set but i don't really want you all to see those faith i want only to make you smile i am lying i want so much more but there are things i do not want that at this moment i need to say not to you, or for you but for me things i know i don't want for me so i do not want them for you i do want to make you smile i do not want to try to be your joy i want to know your fears not to hold them against you nor to try to make you unafraid simply to know them, to know you i want to know your past not to try to fix it nor to absolve you of it simply to know where you come from i do not want to heal you i do not want to give you faith in humanity i do not want to promise you stars i will not try to fix your life, your problems, your family, your friendships, your past, your future i want to be there next to you i do not want to hold you up i do not want to stand behind you nor try to make you follow me just next to you, where i would want you in relation to me i want to know what makes you happy what makes you miserable what makes you laugh what makes you frustrated not to try to avoid anything nor try to use it to turn myself into something you might desire simply to understand your reactions to me to others, to life and know them for what they are a part of you i do want to make you smile but only if it is because you want to smile i do not want you to smile to make me feel like perhaps i can make you feel better... and only smile if a smile is your true reaction. ~sinamynlee

i want to hurt you. i want to use you in ways that make you cringe yet excite you at the same time. i want to run my tongue all over your body then dig my nails into you until you bleed. you make me shiver in both fear and anticipation when i think of the things i would let you do to me. you make my body tense up with desire as i feel teeth dig into my thighs from miles away. i want to use and abuse your body with ideas that make me hungry just to consider. i want to run my lips across your chest before biting gently somewhere far beneath. you make me need to feel your hands pulling my hair back as i shove my hips back into you. you make my hands clench, wrists bound in invisible cuffs, my back arches as a blade runs down my thigh when none is present. i want to tie you down to a table, a chair, a bed and tease you and use you, with nothing for you to do but beg. i want to be tied down as you test my limits, of pain and pleasure and sanity. you make my desires almost tangible with just your words, or a passing thought of your face. you make me contemplate the impossibility of capturing the beauty of a fantasy with you being realized. ~sinamynlee