I missed our baby so on that day and cried wishing that I was still going to be holding our baby at the end of the day. I decided on what was to be my due date that it had to be a "be nice to mommy day" so that I could effectively grieve and remember AND celebrate that my child ever was and now is in heaven. I went and treated myself to a $50 facial so that I could talk and relax. I then took my 2 earth babies out to dinner. All in all it was a good day though it was sad. I can easily say that I cried about 3-4 times all in that day. I KNOW that I will never forget the day and I am thinking that I will be making it a yearly ritual to go out and do something nice for myself on that day. Thanks to all of you that have been reading what I write here. It sometimes makes it seem a little less lonely.
The date of April 18th, 2007 will forever be etched into my memory as it is the date that my third child was to be born. I have been doing alot of crying lately...getting to be an emotional time as the due date of that baby is only 20 days away and counting. I cant help but think of how big I should be right now....all the rigors and trials of being in the last trimester are fresh in my mind and yet....I am not living them and it kills me inside. I started this blog and all it contains to help people like me...grieving the loss of a baby they never knew or didnt know long enough. I have been fighting to keep it higher in ranks because its such an important issue and I want people that need it to feel the support it can provide. I have been trying to get blast through good old fashioned work to keep the word out there so that anyone needing the help will see it and me and my page have started falling to the wayside. Its like it doesnt matter anymore and the drama here has gotten to be too much. I am tired of people trying to take away from the help love and support I am trying to offer. I am SICK TO DEATH of finding the face or lack of on my page of women that are dating or married to ex bf's...they stop by JUST to spy and cause drama. I have about had it with the site all together. If what I am doing no longer matters to anyone but me...if people arent behind me anymore...then I see no point in hanging around because there is only more sadness and frustation than love and support happening anymore. Please tell me I am wrong because I have put so much effort, blood, sweat and tears into this page and this blog.
It was just brought to my attention by a friend that her daughter came home from school one day distraught over something she had learned at school. It seems that she is learning that insurance companies are now telling women that if they follow through with a pregnancy that tests show will end with a baby with mental disablities that insurance will not cover that baby. I guess the idea is have an abortion and start over. If there is ANY amount of truth to this...I am OUTRAGED!! There are SOOO MANY parents out there that would be HAPPY to have a baby PERIOD....and since when are we all supposed to be "perfect" anyway? I told my friend to try to get more info about it like if there is a group fighting this or if there are specific insurance companies named. Please tell me your thoughts.
Since I add new friends all the time...I wanted to post this request for volunteers to share their stories with me in this blog....do you have a story of pregnancy or infant loss that you would like to share..be it to get it off your chest or to support someone who may have been through what you have? its a great way to heal and grieve fully I have found....drop me a line in a private message if you are interested. thanks in advance for considering this.
I have had my baby blog in the #1 blog spot before. Its not there any longer but at least I can say its been there. I have made many cool friends along the way since joining and had lots of fun. My question that I pose to ALL of you that see this is "Do I deserve to make it to a legend for what I am trying to do here for parents who have lost babies as well as for the babies that live in our memories forever?" I keep hearing that what I am doing here is honorable and important. If you agree...please stop by my page and fan me....feel free to add me as a friend as well as all requests are accepted and I also fan and rate before accepting just to make sure I remember to do so. thanks so much to all those that have supported me in my mission here and also to anyone who chooses to stop by and check out my page and blog.
One of my last entries I was trying to figure out what was going on with my cycle because I was late by about 2 days or so and couldnt figure it out because tests told me I wasnt pregnant. The dr told me to wait it out another day or 2 because when you use the cytotec to cause your cycle to start after a miscarriage it can take a few months to regulate your cycles from what the dr told me and sure enough...later on that night "it" showed up. Thanks to my friends that were here for me to talk to and reassured me. I was actually more scared of being pregnant than excited because of the fear of losing another one but about the time I decided I wanted to be I found out I wasnt....such is life. lol
well here is my most recent story......
On Feb 3rd 2007 I found out i was pregnant.... Woo Hoo i was the happiest person around life was great... sure my bf and i had just split up but it was ok I love kids and wanted another one... My only fear was that I would either miscarry like I did in Oct of 2000 or lose my infant child like i did in 2004... ( yes i do have a 4 year old boy who is my life)...
I woke up suddenly at approx 2am i reallt was not feeling well and new some thing was wrong... As it had it I was right today on Valentines day of all days my fear came true i had another miscaridge.... I keep thinking that i should be the one who is no longer around but at he same time if i go my son is left without a mom... my only thing is how does one keep going after losing three kids.... Life is just not fair and sucks.... My life is so turned up side down right now... The only thing that is keeping around right now is the fact that i do have a 4 year old little boy who is my life at this moment...
If you want to post this on your blog it will be great.... sorry for this msg i just needed to write it somewhere and your page seemed like the right place...
Thank you for listening... Angel_Tears
Just when I think I am back to normal for the most part...having cycles on my own and such...I wait for this one to come to an end and the monthly to start and here I sit at day 29 and still nothing. My last one started on day 28 and my normal cycles before the miscarriage were around 26 days. I went into the clinic a little while ago to have a pregnancy test run and it came up negative. I was scared before and NOW I am just plain confused. The lady in the lab told me to give a nurse a call tomorrow and talk to them about it and see whats going on. I am just so frustrated and confused. Whether I am pregnant or not...both answers are fine but I want to know something so I can relax!
Over the course of the last few months...say since October '06 or so....my drive and mission has been to reach as many people as possible and help whoever I could that has suffered the same sort of loss as myself or worse in some cases. I wanted my blog to get to #1 and I wanted to get my page as high in the ranks as I could get it all in the name of reaching more people. Some might not believe that and thats fine...I could care less what the nay sayers have to say about me. I think I have grown past that need to get everything to the top because I know that no matter what...I AM helping people and if others out there feel the need to keep me down JUST so they can be better and higher up in the food chain so be it. I wont be the one with my conscience to deal with. So...my vow from here on...and my true friends please help me stick to it...I will continue to support pregnancy and infant loss awareness and support its survivors...but I will no longer be asking for blog rates or blast gifts....if people want to give them to me...GREAT but otherwise I will just have to earn them the hard way with writing in my blogs to get attention and entering blast contests or buying them myself. I dont want to be the person that relies on everyone else to help me out and take care of me. AND if all interest in me and my page falls because I back off then I will gracefully back out and just use my blog and my page for my current friends that need it and my own solace with my thoughts. Thanks for listening everyone!
I lend you for a time a child of mine," he said, for you to love while she lives and mourn when she is dead."it maybe six or seven years, or twenty two or three, but will you till i call her back, take care of her for me?
she'll bring her charms to gladden you and should her stay be brief, you'll have hey lively memories as solace for your grief
I can not promise she will stay , since all from earth return but there are lessons taught down there i want this child to learn
I looked this wide world over in my search for teachers true and from the things that crowd lifes lanes I have selected you
Now , will you give her all your love nor think the labor vain, nor hate me when i call to take her back again..
I fancy that I heard them say " dear lord, thy will be done. For all the joy they child shall bring the risk of grief will run
we'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may and for happiness we've known will ever grateful stay but shall the angles call for her much sooner then we planned we'll brave the utter grief
that come and try to understand
DJ SMOOTH'S da 1 name man
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