SexiChica88's blog: "on my mind"

having a really rough time tonight. my uncle who was just 2 years older than I passed away yesterday morning. He died of a possible overdose of muscle relaxers. I feel angry and hurt. He has a 5 year old daughter and a baby boy who turns a year old in less than a week. I feel like no matter what I said to him would have stopped his drug problem. I am pissed off because he and I fought sooo much about him taking the pills like he did. He wasn't like an uncle to me. He was more like a brother. I don't know how I am supposed to feel but feeling angry just doesn't seem like it matters so why do I feel this way? Why can't I just cry and be over it? I miss the way he used to come into my bedroom and bug me until I flipped and got pissed off then how he would bug me telling me that he loves me until I couldn't be mad anymore. I miss how he rubbed my pregnant belly talkin to my son telling him how he couldn't wait to meet him. I am so glad my son got to meet him at least. He was such a great hearted person but those FUCKING PILLS took my uncle. Why can't people see that they are ruining their lives? He was such an amazing person and a great father to his children. His fiancee is having such a hard time and I can't even help her out. I just want to grieve like I am supposed to.. but how does a person really grieve? what is wrong with me?

I am feeling quite terrified lately.. Been having a lot of dreams about what is going to happen when I have my baby. When I let "HIM" come to the hospital to see our son... What will happen when I see him? What will happen when I am holding my baby knowing that the father wants and never wanted anything to do with loving me? Will I resent my son for his fathers actions? Will I feel like I am a bad mom for not wanting to be around "HIM"? I am so scared that I am not completely over "HIM" too... I still look at his blogs about when he said he loved me. I still feel like crying every time I read the blog where he admits to cheating on me and when I read him writing how much he loves other girls... How he blames me for things.. Idk.. I cry almost every time I think about him period... I have a great guy who treats me amazing and I'm truly happy with him but I'm not truly over "HIM"..... I'm scared. I want to be with the father of my child but I know that can't and will never happen bc he never wanted me to really have his child even though he said he did. I am going to be a great mother and I am a great girlfriend and I know I will make a wonderful wife... Why not me? Why could "HE" not be happy with me? What is so wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Was I too open? Did I show myself too much? Did I scare him off with my life? I can't help that I've been through some crazy shit in my life. I can't help that no matter how much I tried to keep him on the outside of my "wall" I let him in and got hurt. Whatever happened to "The day I turn 18 I'm gonna marry her and she will say yes"? Whatever happened to "I miss the way ashley used to rub me"? Whatever happened to "I knew I wanted her and it was too late"? What if it wasn't too late? What if you could have me again? What would you do to show me that you have changed?


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!

I can't hurt my boyfriend just because I was hurt. I know I don't give him what he deserves but I feel like I am damaged goods and that he deserves more than me... I feel like I can't give him all of me bc "HE" still has a part of me and always will.... I hate that I can't completely open up and give him my everything.. I could marry this man and be secure and know that my child has a good daddy and has a good life and he will love me and my baby unconditionally and never cheat or lie, but is it worth giving up on something that I feel like I can't get over? Like I should not want to be with someone that hurt me over and over and over and doesn't care but I can't help it!!! What can I do to get over "HIM"????!!!! I feel like I NEED him... Like I have to know what is going on with him and like I want to hurt him like he did me but when I do or say things that I know should affect him, they don't and I feel like a total bitch... I just want him to know what its like to be hurt... I don't think I have ever hurt him.. He hurt himself when it comes to his son but I don't know what to do with that situation either.. Is it so wrong for me to be this scared and confused?

Cam and I have a house and we have a dog and we have our vehicles and WE did everything.... not relying on parents and don't have to ask mommy or daddy for anything...... Is that why I feel like I need to be with cam? I mean I do love him but what kind of love is it? Is it the sexual love, the brotherly love, or the agape (unconditional) love? Why is it that I want to give him my agape love and I feel like I've given it all to my ex? Why can't I hate him? I hate what he's done but not him.....
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



I think I hate myself more than anything......

Well I guess I'm done ranting... If in the future someone reads this that it is about I'm sorry but I can't control my feelings no matter how hard I've tried.. Hopefully SOON they change

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many isresearch.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never triedbefore.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.I got a full house and four people died.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now Ican ride a unicycle.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people weretrapped on the escalators.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave amessage and I'll call when I'm out."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it'sgoing to be up all night.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats onthem. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

So I never thought that perfection existed until I met this boy. He is everything I could have EVER dreamed of and SO MUCH MORE. He makes my heart stop when I'm with him (not literally bc that could be bad, lol) and he makes me never want to leave him. I haven't known him THAT long but in this short time that I have known him I feel like I've fallen in love with him. Everything abot him is amazing. From his smile, to his gorgeous brown eyes, to his "oh-so-perfect" hair, to his finding humor in everything, to his "Fuck the World" attitude sometimes. He is sweet and innocent, yet not at the same time. I haven't quite figure him out completely yet but everything I have I love. Is it normal to not find ONE THING you don't like about someone? Is it ok for me to let my guard down? I'm afraid to trust him though... Let me give you a little bit of a rundown on why....

So from the time I was 8 until I was 15 I was sexually, mentally, and physically abused by men... (yes as in plural) Finally when i got out of the abusive situations I was in it seemed like every relationship with any guy I got with was abusive in some way. I'm terrified to let anyone get to me. i tend to shut people out for fear of getting hurt again yet my biggest fear is the fear of being alone. I know I know it makes no sense, but I can't control how I feel...I read this amazing quote and its so true with me. "I don't put up this wall to keep people out, but to see who truely cares enough to climb over it to get to the real me"

So back to me rambling on about this guy.... He took me up to this place.. its "OUR" place now... Its baseball fields after closing.. its dark and beautiful. There is not a soul to be found.. we're completely alone.. Its where he first kissed me. Where we first danced under the stars and now where we first made love... Yes I said made love... He has my love and my life and they are HIS for as long as he wants them... I would go to the stars for this guy. i would live and die for him. I would do anything he wanted and wouldn't regret any of it... The more I think about it the more I've realized that I think I've seriously found my soul mate.... I never believed in that before but with him I believe SOMETHING had to have brought us together.. Idk what it is but I love it and I never want to lose him.

Enough about my boring randomness.. Just had the urge to tell someone about what's going through my head.. Even if no one ever reads this at least I got it out....

I just had another AMAZING night with my man. He told me he loved me last night. I was shocked at the fact that he said it so soon. I honestly think the thing that scares me the most is that I feel the exact same way that he does. I have found nothing about him that I don't like other than the fact that he cares too much about what others think about him... He's young, he'll grow out of that. Lol.

Two nights ago we made love under the stars. It was amazing. Everything so perfect. We watched a movie at his house afterwards and I loved being in his arms...

Back to tonight....

He had to work today from 4 to 9... He came over to my house and we hung out for a while. My sister and I dropped him off at work and when I left my grandpa Roger called me. I haven't seen my grandpa in over a year and haven't really talked to him at all in a few years... I've heard from my aunts that he is a bad man... (as in he's a pedophile and a huge pervert) I have never experienced that from him. Never even gotten that vibe. Anyways, he asked if he could pick me up and take me out for a burger (I had just eaten) and I agreed. He shows up at my house and we went to Huddle House to eat. I wasn't hungry so I got a piece of cheesecake. While we were sitting there we talked about everything. My mother and how I don't have a good relationship with her and why, my sister and how she thinks she's better than everyone else and how it makes me feel, my boyfriend and how much I love and adore him, my past relationships, cars, food, work, my future, and schooling.. Then he saw that I had pictures in my purse and asked if he could see them. I handed them to him and he told me that he wanted one of me. I said sure, of course, because he had no recent pics of me. Then out of no where he looked at my breasts and said, "WOW!" I said curiously,"What?" then laughed. He said,"Damn you've got a lot from your mother and I'm sorry to say this but my granddaughter is a FOX! You should do some modelling." I told him about some of the modelling I have done recently and he said,"No I'm talking penthouse or playboy or something. With a body like that you could be RICH! I'd buy the magazines" My heart jumped into my throat and all of a sudden I was naucious and I wanted out. I have been abused sexually and I should have listened to my aunts when they told me how he was. He is my grandfather and I didn't want to believe it. I just brushed it off and we continued to talk... He brought it up a few more times and each time I just changed the subject.

All while this was going on I was texting my boyfriend telling him. He wasn't happy AT ALL. I understand why. He sent me a text message asking me if I would show my grandpa a message that he sent to me so grandpa could have a piece of his mind. I told him no....

Back to my story.......

Finally after watching my grandpa oogle over my pictures and every beautiful woman/girl that walked into the diner I told him I wasn't feeling well and that I wanted to go home. He said ok and then we left. On the way home he hollared at me a few times for being on my phone too much because I was still texting my boyfriend so I wouldn't freak out and have an attack (I have panic attacks and anxiety attacks when put in uncomfortable situations or when I'm extremely upset about something. I'm supposed to take medication but I choose to fight it without). Then we pull up to my house. I think my grandpa knew I was upset about what he said because he offered to give me a generous amount of money for my birthday which is in less than two weeks to get me a car. I agreed and then I got out and went inside.

I was so sick to my stomach that I went straight to the bathroom and threw up. I was so upset and I laid on my couch with my book and a pack of smokes (which my boyfriend hates that I do but I'm seriously only a stressful smoker) and I cried for half an hour before I finally started reading. I read 4 chapters and was so wore out and still extremely sick that I fell asleep on the couch. I was woken up by my sister yelling at me for falling asleep where she was going to go to bed. Then I waited for my boyfriend to get off of work.

He got off work and came and picked me up. The plan was to go back to his house and watch a movie or something, but he didn't want to do that because he said it's boring. I don't think it's boring at all but I'm not going to protest... Lol.. I just want to be with him. I could honestly care less where we're together at as long as I'm with him. We went to the movie theater and I was really quiet.. Still had the thoughts of the day in my head. We got a HUGE HUGE bag of popcorn from his friend and then he asked where I wanted to go. I told him I didn't care. So we went to this random road in the middle of a soccer field. We got in the back seat....

Hold that thought... Let me tell you what was totally freaking me out other than the whole grandpa being a dick thing.... My dad before I left pulled me aside (which he NEVER does) to talk to me about my boyfriend. He is only 17 and I'm about to be 21. Age isn't anything but a number to me but apparently society and the law says otherwise. My family loves him and I love him and his mother has no problem with us being together either. I don't see the problem as long as we're happy. So dad says to me that if I do ANYTHING to piss off his mom or dad that I will go to jail for statutory rape and that it will go on my record as me being a sex offender for my whole life. I won't be able to work with kids (which I LOVE to do) and I will have a hard time getting a lot of jobs and things as well. I don't want any of that! I love the person I'm with. I honestly don't know how I lived 20 years without him. I would do anything for him and he knows it now. I just want everything to work out between us and I don't want to get in trouble for being in love with someone..

Back to he and I in the back seat....

We get back there and I lay my head in his lap. I'm thinking to myself that at that very moment I am the happiest woman in the galaxy. I then smile. He looks at me and asks why I was smiling. I like to keep things to myself sometimes... I still hadn't talked a whole lot... He asked again.. I just smiled and kissed him. Then we laid down and he got up and started kissing my stomach. (Now I'm very self conscious about my belly because I used to be bigger. It is ok now but still.. I like the way I look I just don't want him to find any flaws....) He then proceeded to tell me to move over so he could lay next to me. We laid there and he held me for a while then I turn around and I kissed him. (I love our kisses.. They are so passionate and so real. It's like every time we kiss I give him a bigger piece of my heart and I am given his in return. We don't shove each others tongues down each other's throats.. We don't lick each other's faces.. Its so amazing and soft and real....) So we're kissing and I was beginning to get a little, well you know, horny. lol

I grabbed my phone and looked at the time. He had to be home by 10:30. It was 10:22. I said,"SHIT!" He looked at me funny and I told him we didn't have time. He said,"We do if it's a quicky but then you won't finish." I just smiled and said I don't care... so we hurriedly took off our pants and he slowly put his fingers in me.. (I have NO problem at all getting wet when I'm horny) He just looked at me and was like WOW! Then he said something that just amazed me because most young guys don't even care,"I didn't bring protection." I told him I didn't care I just wanted him in me right then. So he then slid himself into me. It felt so amazing. Every thrust, every breath, every kiss.... Every inch of him and every time we touched was so perfect. I could feel every part of him and I wanted him to have every part of me from that moment on forever and ever as his own... To have me and to touch and kiss whenever he wanted and to talk to cry whenever as well.. I want to experience EVERY part of life with him. I could see him fathering my children. I could see him getting a house with me.. I could even see him and I on our wrap around porch in rocking chairs when I'm 80 and he's 77 talking about the night we first kissed and watching the great grandchildren playing. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man.... So anyways... He tells me that he can get out and finish outside the car and then clean himself.. I was not having that AT ALL.. The passion is so gone when that happens.. I wanted him in me as long as possible.. It felt so great.. I then pulled him closer as he was going deeper in me and I whispered it.. "I love you" He looked at me with those big brown eyes and said " I love you too" then he told me he was cumming and then I came.... Then we fumbled around looking for something to clean ourselves with and went to the gas station and went home. lol

He gets home and sends me the sweetest text message EVER. "So... You're pretty much the most amazing person ever. :-)" Of course I asked him why... this is his response.. I cried.. but in a good way obviously
"You're beatiful. You're kind. You're poetic. You're, at one second slow and romantic, and the next sexy and passionate. You're funny. You're energetic. You're a lover of life. You're a love of and a lover of me. And most of all, You're all mine"

So I guess today has shown me alot.. It has shown me who I am in a few different ways.. I am a forgiver... I am a victor and no longer a victim.. I am a survivor as well.. I am a lover... I am loved... and I have found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with...

until next time.................................
Ashley Nichole

    Yea so I was talking to this guy out here and we started dating. We were together for about 3 weeks b4 I finally decided I was gonna put out. That's not long for some but for me it is. LOL.. Not that I sleep around bc I don't but anyways.

  He and I rented a Hotel room with a HUGE jacuzi tub in it. He had to work that night at 9pm. Well the sex was REALLY GOOD and I wanted more so I told him to be late to work since he'd just spent 250 on a hotel room he couldn't just leave me in it ALL ALONE.. Well he reluctantly stayed and we had ourselves quite the night. He told his boss he was sick.

I didn't hear from him for a couple days after that and finally I texted him. He had lost his job. We have not talked AT ALL since that night he told me he lost his job. I'm wondering if I should call or text him. I already told Him I was sorry but no responses. I know the sex wasn't bad for him and I'm wondering if he's really that pissed about the job or not. I mean I'd be mad but he could've left if it were THAT important. lol

anyways, just felt like telling my latest chica story. lol

kisses!

"I Think I Love You"



I'm sleeping
right in the middle of a good dream
when all at once i wake up
from somethign that keeps knocking at my brain
before i go insane
i hold my pillow to my head
and spring up in my bed
screaming out the words i dread
I think I love you!
this morning i woke up with this feeling
i didnt kno how to deal with
and so i just decided to myself
id hide it to myself
and never talk about it
and did not go and shout
when you walked into the room
i think i love you
i think i love you
so what am i so afraid of
im afraid that im not sure of
a love that theres no cure for
i think i love you
is that what life is made of
though it worries me to say
that i've never felt this way
believe me
u really dont have to worry
i only wanna make you happy
and if u say hey go away i will
but i think better still
i better stare out and love you
do u think i have a case
let me ask you to your face
i think i love you
i think i love you
so what am i so afraid of
im afraid that im not sure of
a love that theres no cure for
i think i love you
is that what life is made of
though it worries me to say
that i've never felt this way
i dont kno what im up agaisnt
i dont kno what its all about
i got so much to think about
i think i love
so what am i so afraid of
im afraid that im not sure of
a love that theres no cure for
do you think u love me?
i think i love you
i think i love you
i think i love you