SexiChica88's blog: "on my mind"

I just had another AMAZING night with my man. He told me he loved me last night. I was shocked at the fact that he said it so soon. I honestly think the thing that scares me the most is that I feel the exact same way that he does. I have found nothing about him that I don't like other than the fact that he cares too much about what others think about him... He's young, he'll grow out of that. Lol.

Two nights ago we made love under the stars. It was amazing. Everything so perfect. We watched a movie at his house afterwards and I loved being in his arms...

Back to tonight....

He had to work today from 4 to 9... He came over to my house and we hung out for a while. My sister and I dropped him off at work and when I left my grandpa Roger called me. I haven't seen my grandpa in over a year and haven't really talked to him at all in a few years... I've heard from my aunts that he is a bad man... (as in he's a pedophile and a huge pervert) I have never experienced that from him. Never even gotten that vibe. Anyways, he asked if he could pick me up and take me out for a burger (I had just eaten) and I agreed. He shows up at my house and we went to Huddle House to eat. I wasn't hungry so I got a piece of cheesecake. While we were sitting there we talked about everything. My mother and how I don't have a good relationship with her and why, my sister and how she thinks she's better than everyone else and how it makes me feel, my boyfriend and how much I love and adore him, my past relationships, cars, food, work, my future, and schooling.. Then he saw that I had pictures in my purse and asked if he could see them. I handed them to him and he told me that he wanted one of me. I said sure, of course, because he had no recent pics of me. Then out of no where he looked at my breasts and said, "WOW!" I said curiously,"What?" then laughed. He said,"Damn you've got a lot from your mother and I'm sorry to say this but my granddaughter is a FOX! You should do some modelling." I told him about some of the modelling I have done recently and he said,"No I'm talking penthouse or playboy or something. With a body like that you could be RICH! I'd buy the magazines" My heart jumped into my throat and all of a sudden I was naucious and I wanted out. I have been abused sexually and I should have listened to my aunts when they told me how he was. He is my grandfather and I didn't want to believe it. I just brushed it off and we continued to talk... He brought it up a few more times and each time I just changed the subject.

All while this was going on I was texting my boyfriend telling him. He wasn't happy AT ALL. I understand why. He sent me a text message asking me if I would show my grandpa a message that he sent to me so grandpa could have a piece of his mind. I told him no....

Back to my story.......

Finally after watching my grandpa oogle over my pictures and every beautiful woman/girl that walked into the diner I told him I wasn't feeling well and that I wanted to go home. He said ok and then we left. On the way home he hollared at me a few times for being on my phone too much because I was still texting my boyfriend so I wouldn't freak out and have an attack (I have panic attacks and anxiety attacks when put in uncomfortable situations or when I'm extremely upset about something. I'm supposed to take medication but I choose to fight it without). Then we pull up to my house. I think my grandpa knew I was upset about what he said because he offered to give me a generous amount of money for my birthday which is in less than two weeks to get me a car. I agreed and then I got out and went inside.

I was so sick to my stomach that I went straight to the bathroom and threw up. I was so upset and I laid on my couch with my book and a pack of smokes (which my boyfriend hates that I do but I'm seriously only a stressful smoker) and I cried for half an hour before I finally started reading. I read 4 chapters and was so wore out and still extremely sick that I fell asleep on the couch. I was woken up by my sister yelling at me for falling asleep where she was going to go to bed. Then I waited for my boyfriend to get off of work.

He got off work and came and picked me up. The plan was to go back to his house and watch a movie or something, but he didn't want to do that because he said it's boring. I don't think it's boring at all but I'm not going to protest... Lol.. I just want to be with him. I could honestly care less where we're together at as long as I'm with him. We went to the movie theater and I was really quiet.. Still had the thoughts of the day in my head. We got a HUGE HUGE bag of popcorn from his friend and then he asked where I wanted to go. I told him I didn't care. So we went to this random road in the middle of a soccer field. We got in the back seat....

Hold that thought... Let me tell you what was totally freaking me out other than the whole grandpa being a dick thing.... My dad before I left pulled me aside (which he NEVER does) to talk to me about my boyfriend. He is only 17 and I'm about to be 21. Age isn't anything but a number to me but apparently society and the law says otherwise. My family loves him and I love him and his mother has no problem with us being together either. I don't see the problem as long as we're happy. So dad says to me that if I do ANYTHING to piss off his mom or dad that I will go to jail for statutory rape and that it will go on my record as me being a sex offender for my whole life. I won't be able to work with kids (which I LOVE to do) and I will have a hard time getting a lot of jobs and things as well. I don't want any of that! I love the person I'm with. I honestly don't know how I lived 20 years without him. I would do anything for him and he knows it now. I just want everything to work out between us and I don't want to get in trouble for being in love with someone..

Back to he and I in the back seat....

We get back there and I lay my head in his lap. I'm thinking to myself that at that very moment I am the happiest woman in the galaxy. I then smile. He looks at me and asks why I was smiling. I like to keep things to myself sometimes... I still hadn't talked a whole lot... He asked again.. I just smiled and kissed him. Then we laid down and he got up and started kissing my stomach. (Now I'm very self conscious about my belly because I used to be bigger. It is ok now but still.. I like the way I look I just don't want him to find any flaws....) He then proceeded to tell me to move over so he could lay next to me. We laid there and he held me for a while then I turn around and I kissed him. (I love our kisses.. They are so passionate and so real. It's like every time we kiss I give him a bigger piece of my heart and I am given his in return. We don't shove each others tongues down each other's throats.. We don't lick each other's faces.. Its so amazing and soft and real....) So we're kissing and I was beginning to get a little, well you know, horny. lol

I grabbed my phone and looked at the time. He had to be home by 10:30. It was 10:22. I said,"SHIT!" He looked at me funny and I told him we didn't have time. He said,"We do if it's a quicky but then you won't finish." I just smiled and said I don't care... so we hurriedly took off our pants and he slowly put his fingers in me.. (I have NO problem at all getting wet when I'm horny) He just looked at me and was like WOW! Then he said something that just amazed me because most young guys don't even care,"I didn't bring protection." I told him I didn't care I just wanted him in me right then. So he then slid himself into me. It felt so amazing. Every thrust, every breath, every kiss.... Every inch of him and every time we touched was so perfect. I could feel every part of him and I wanted him to have every part of me from that moment on forever and ever as his own... To have me and to touch and kiss whenever he wanted and to talk to cry whenever as well.. I want to experience EVERY part of life with him. I could see him fathering my children. I could see him getting a house with me.. I could even see him and I on our wrap around porch in rocking chairs when I'm 80 and he's 77 talking about the night we first kissed and watching the great grandchildren playing. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man.... So anyways... He tells me that he can get out and finish outside the car and then clean himself.. I was not having that AT ALL.. The passion is so gone when that happens.. I wanted him in me as long as possible.. It felt so great.. I then pulled him closer as he was going deeper in me and I whispered it.. "I love you" He looked at me with those big brown eyes and said " I love you too" then he told me he was cumming and then I came.... Then we fumbled around looking for something to clean ourselves with and went to the gas station and went home. lol

He gets home and sends me the sweetest text message EVER. "So... You're pretty much the most amazing person ever. :-)" Of course I asked him why... this is his response.. I cried.. but in a good way obviously
"You're beatiful. You're kind. You're poetic. You're, at one second slow and romantic, and the next sexy and passionate. You're funny. You're energetic. You're a lover of life. You're a love of and a lover of me. And most of all, You're all mine"

So I guess today has shown me alot.. It has shown me who I am in a few different ways.. I am a forgiver... I am a victor and no longer a victim.. I am a survivor as well.. I am a lover... I am loved... and I have found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with...

until next time.................................
Ashley Nichole