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What are you waiting for?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many isresearch.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never triedbefore.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.I got a full house and four people died.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now Ican ride a unicycle.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people weretrapped on the escalators.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave amessage and I'll call when I'm out."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it'sgoing to be up all night.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats onthem. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
