SexiChica88's blog: "on my mind"

I am feeling quite terrified lately.. Been having a lot of dreams about what is going to happen when I have my baby. When I let "HIM" come to the hospital to see our son... What will happen when I see him? What will happen when I am holding my baby knowing that the father wants and never wanted anything to do with loving me? Will I resent my son for his fathers actions? Will I feel like I am a bad mom for not wanting to be around "HIM"? I am so scared that I am not completely over "HIM" too... I still look at his blogs about when he said he loved me. I still feel like crying every time I read the blog where he admits to cheating on me and when I read him writing how much he loves other girls... How he blames me for things.. Idk.. I cry almost every time I think about him period... I have a great guy who treats me amazing and I'm truly happy with him but I'm not truly over "HIM"..... I'm scared. I want to be with the father of my child but I know that can't and will never happen bc he never wanted me to really have his child even though he said he did. I am going to be a great mother and I am a great girlfriend and I know I will make a wonderful wife... Why not me? Why could "HE" not be happy with me? What is so wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Was I too open? Did I show myself too much? Did I scare him off with my life? I can't help that I've been through some crazy shit in my life. I can't help that no matter how much I tried to keep him on the outside of my "wall" I let him in and got hurt. Whatever happened to "The day I turn 18 I'm gonna marry her and she will say yes"? Whatever happened to "I miss the way ashley used to rub me"? Whatever happened to "I knew I wanted her and it was too late"? What if it wasn't too late? What if you could have me again? What would you do to show me that you have changed?


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!

I can't hurt my boyfriend just because I was hurt. I know I don't give him what he deserves but I feel like I am damaged goods and that he deserves more than me... I feel like I can't give him all of me bc "HE" still has a part of me and always will.... I hate that I can't completely open up and give him my everything.. I could marry this man and be secure and know that my child has a good daddy and has a good life and he will love me and my baby unconditionally and never cheat or lie, but is it worth giving up on something that I feel like I can't get over? Like I should not want to be with someone that hurt me over and over and over and doesn't care but I can't help it!!! What can I do to get over "HIM"????!!!! I feel like I NEED him... Like I have to know what is going on with him and like I want to hurt him like he did me but when I do or say things that I know should affect him, they don't and I feel like a total bitch... I just want him to know what its like to be hurt... I don't think I have ever hurt him.. He hurt himself when it comes to his son but I don't know what to do with that situation either.. Is it so wrong for me to be this scared and confused?

Cam and I have a house and we have a dog and we have our vehicles and WE did everything.... not relying on parents and don't have to ask mommy or daddy for anything...... Is that why I feel like I need to be with cam? I mean I do love him but what kind of love is it? Is it the sexual love, the brotherly love, or the agape (unconditional) love? Why is it that I want to give him my agape love and I feel like I've given it all to my ex? Why can't I hate him? I hate what he's done but not him.....
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



I think I hate myself more than anything......

Well I guess I'm done ranting... If in the future someone reads this that it is about I'm sorry but I can't control my feelings no matter how hard I've tried.. Hopefully SOON they change