What the hell is wrong with me? When did I become such a weak minded and emotional mess? I have cried, I mean literally broken down with tears in my eyes and cried about 5 times in the past 2 days. When did I become this person? When did I become a person who can not deal with reality, can not handle what is going on around me, walks away to shed a tear rather than standing there and facing the issue? Why the hell do I have to be this way?
I break down every time I go to the cemetary, I don't sob or anything but I tear up and have to leave the fenced in area. Do you know how hard it is for me to cry in front of someone? I do not fucking cry - Jessie does NOT cry, period! Then when Mawma tried to leave with us tonight when we left I cried when I got to the jeep. We were sitting there telling everyone that we had to go so I could get things together to wash the laundry and pack back up for morning when lapsed back into a different time I guess. She stood up all shakily and smoothed her duster and looked at Olive (my aunt)and said "yes I should be getitng on up the road home too" and tried to leave with us. It killed me to tell her she was home and wasn't going with me. She didn't know who I was but was sure I was going to take her home.
This is the woman that I spent every Friday night with growing up. Hers was the first house I ever snuck out of. I listened to her lecture me about hair and makeup and how boys would think I was easy if I kept acting the way I was. I blew her off at the time laughed at her more than once and just totally disrespected her in general. I never once felt bad for it because I knew she'd always forgive me and love me despite all of that and now she has no clue who I am. She can't forgive and love me any more - hell she can't remember me long enough to forgive me. She asked me a dozen times today who I was and when I told her she would smile and tell me that I was lying because Chester (my dad) hd no children and would be home from school soon so she had to get supper started. Then when it would spark in her who I was she would ask where my dad was. Then when I would tell her he was dead and had been so for many many years - she yelled and asked me why I kept this from her and why no one took her to the funeral. IT was just tough I guess . . .
Ok, I am gonna stop here just because I don't want to go on any more with this right now - I'll deal with it again later.
