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DarkNymph LFH's blog: "Laugh your ass off"

created on 11/27/2012  |  http://fubar.com/laugh-your-ass-off/b351555  |  2 followers

Anniversary Surprise

An older couple on their 50th anniversary are staying in the penthouse suite and sitting on the balcony drinking champagne over a catered meal.

The man looks around and says "This hotel is really nice, and we're in the penthouse. What a great surprise!"

The wife says "So you like the hotel?"

He says, "Oh yeah, it's great!"

She's like, "That's good because we own this hotel."

The guys like, "Wow, that's amazing!"

He starts eating his meal and he comments, "This meal is wonderful!"

The wife says "So you like the food?"

He says, "Oh yeah, it's great!"

She's like, "That's good because we own that restaurant."

The guys like, "Wow, that's unbelievable!"

So they are looking out at the high rise building next door and he's like, "That apartment building over there looks nice.

It's all lit up so it must be popular."

The wife says "So you like that complex?"

He says, "Oh yeah, it's great!"

She's like, "That's good because we own that building."

Finally the husband's curiousity gets the better of him. He's like, "How in the world can we own all these places?"

She's like, "Well from the day we got married, every time we had sex I put money in a shoe box. Over the years I invested the money and bought all these things!"

The man is like, "Well damn, that's great! I wish I'd known, I'd have had sex at home more often!!"

Magic once a year

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.... 

The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' 

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!' 

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over,and I don't want to continue?' 

The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more sex all She has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, it will not rise again for another year.' 

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. 

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the best stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised. 

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123 for?"

Taser Test

You may have read the following before - but it's always good for a laugh out loud - even better, try to read it out loud to someone else! 


Dear Friends, the mind is a wonderful thing; curiosity is not a wonderful thing. To much of one and not enough of the other in the wrong hands can be lethal in some cases.

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes...............

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn (Name of the establishment changed to protect the innocent) that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that, if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat on my couch, my dog, Mini, looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Mini) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Mini for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to the wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and BBT hat on my head, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Mini looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HO**************! DAaaaauuuuuung!!!


I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, chest on fire, you-know-whats nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Mini was standing over me making funny sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, astime was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (whatlittle I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My hat was on the mantel of the fireplace. How did that get get there??? My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching. My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my you-know-whats? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get'em back.

HeartbrokenRemembering those that died for our freedom. My mom's c...
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