Does someone want to help me figure out my mind, my heart, my life? Yeah I know it can’t be done but I keep hoping that one day it will. I spend my time lost in some semi-realistic world of thought lately. I am not sure what has driven me to it, not sure how to come out of it, hell not sure I want to come out of it right now. I have driven myself to a point that I don’t like in life, a point where I am confused as can be, a point where my reality is more than I can take right now. What am I rambling on about you ask? Well let me explain a bit shall I?
First of all, I have been working way too much the past few weeks. When I get no real time to rest between shifts for days on end my mind tumbles into this little oblivion. Too many days on not enough days off, too many hours spent doing bullshit and not enough spent at home unwinding. Next week my schedule should be back to normal though so hopefully so will the rest of my life.
Secondly there is the matter of this man in my life that a few of you know about. He I still on my mind more than I want him to be, and still no idea how to change that, or really if I want to change it. There is still that something there that I can’t identify and most likely never will be able to. Here is the fucked up thing . . . I smile when I get mail from him, I smile when he wants me to call him, I smile when I talk to him . . . Good god I am everything that I hate. I laugh an awful lot when I talk to him, even at the things that most people would never imagine to laugh at. Yet, there I am . . . Laughing and giggling. I’m a fucking idiot I swear. I’m like a little school girl and it annoys the hell out of me. But, then again I can’t find the real bad part of it though . . . So am I happy and just don’t realize it yet? Am I sabotaging myself and just haven’t formulated the plan yet? Yeah, hmmmmm, guess I’ll find out sooner or later - ok sooner!
Then, finally, there is the matter of impending death. I have a great aunt who is dying more and more each day and we are only waiting for it to be that time. She is not suffering at this point she is on comfort care with hospice and on so much morphine that she has no idea what is going on. She has metastatic cancer that has taken over her entire body now. She started bleeding rectally yesterday, maybe the day before, and so we know that it won’t be long now. It has taken a great toll on Papa (my grandpa) which in turn has taken a great toll on me. I can deal with the death, doesn’t really bother me at all . . . But watching Papa suffer kills me. He has never had to deal with anything like this and it is tearing him apart . . . It is very sad. I don’t know how much longer I can watch him like this . . . I spend much of my time away from work with him trying to comfort him.
Isn’t it amazing that we can comfort the dying so much but can do nothing for the living?! How horrible is it that I am wishing death upon one person in order to make another one more comfortable? Not that I really care at this point . . . But I should feel bad.
Anyway, so here is what was on my mind right now . . . I need to try to get my nails painted and try to get some sleep it’s back to work again in the morning . . . Woohoo!!!
