LadyIcedKatt's blog: "Journal...Life leading to/after gastric bypass"

Hey the entry that matchs my age lol. Maybe I'll be a smartalex and match my next one to my birthday to age lol (37 on the 21st, Goddess I feel old while at same time I don't lol). Fair warning, yet again this one is more then likely going to wind up being a book. But there are things I discovered about myself recently that I feel I must share. I need to open up more to make this journal "complete" in a sense. I've talked alot of myself, how I got to be fat etc etc etc. Now its time for more truths. Truths about myself that render me a moron at times. Its time for me to let go of more of my demons and move on and grow as ME. Truths that 2 maybe 3 people total in my life know about. There are things I will not open up about to anyone unless I know I'm safe with them. Even most of those I KNOW I'm safe with, don't know unless they've figured it out by my speak. Maybe not talking about some things is part of my holding myself back. Holding things in for me is not a good thing and they fester and get more and more poisonous in me. SO here goes. Might wanna grab me/you some snot rags and exedrin lmao. No drinking while reading because while this is going to be eye opening in some senses, I'm in a good and ornery mood *smirks* Need I say more lol. BTW even if what I say sounds sad or pathetic or like I'm bringing myself down, remember, I"M NOT! I'm being truthful and its ok. I'm letting demons go, or working on it I should say, that have rendered me an idiot, fool, twisted mentally, dipstick. It is true. Don't be sad or angry or upset with me. Be glad I'm facing them and letting them go and taking some baby steps in my life that are going to change me so dramatically its gonna be insane. Definatly pray though that I succeed. If I give up or fall back, there will be no hope for me to succeed with this Gastric Bypass. Because to fail means I'm failing myself, my chance to live as a HUMAN NOT a HERMIT, as I do now. As hard as it is, I want to begin changing myself before the surgery so I succeed after. I'm thinking that all these delays and problems are the Goddess's way of saying HELLLOOOOO WAKE THE FUCK UP AND LOOK AT YOUR LIFE DIFFERENT! So I am lol. *rubs head where she slapped me hard as hell to wake me up lol. Yea yea yea, I'm so hard headed and dense about MYSELF the Goddess tends to have to use a hard hand or a even harder brick to get me to wake up. Last time she broke the brick, poor brick. I spent weeks cleaning brick dust outta my head, yeesh. Its what I want. Its what I need. I'm tired of being upset and depressed. The reason for what I'm saying tonight? For many years now, I've never let myself do anything for myself that I've stuck with, other then keeping the internet. I've been a hermit that doesn't care about myself. I used to go fishing, hunting, swimming, camping etc. Outdoorsie stuffs. I quit them after Randy left me 3 months before my mom died. Didn't want to be in the sun because of skin cancer (what actually killed my mom even though she had lots of health problems) and without Randy, it was no fun. I've felt I'm not worth anything special. Not worth letting myself be a woman. Not worth letting myself enjoy anything in RL (real life) purrsay. Not worth letting myself live a healthy, happy, fun, outgoing life in my real life. I can be me completly on the internet because no one can see me. Yea, it all comes down to the physical me. Since I got fat, I've basicaly felt humiliated at myself for letting it happen. I've also used it to keep people away from me because of all the hurts people have done to me. 90% of my internet family and friends haven't hurt me. I can be myself in here. Tis why I am so good at making people laugh. My way of returning the happys I get from the people I talk to. Ironic how I won't judge others by looks yet am so totally harsh on myself huh. Granted I've made some good progress since I've moved in with Sue and family. But not enough. And I've taken some massive steps backwards since that crap with the doctors happend a couple weeks ago. Like Sue said in our talk, what I went through would be a major blow to anyone, I just take it harder. I was looking at it like I was being punished for some reason. I'd even begun to think it was because I'm such a horrible purrson. It got bad enough Sue stepped in and is taking a "firm" hand in guiding me back to reality. Firm being she Katt-napped me a few days ago and made me have an adventure outside up at the lake :) We talked. I bawled like an idiot and faced some realities, it was really hard (talking and sorting things through). But wading in the lake, taking a couple small walks with no one around, enjoying the woods and lake, petting the horses and seeing my first filly (7-12 birth) was something I enjoyed so much, I want more. I'd forgotten exactly how much I do enjoy going outside. For most, that little bit would be nothing much. Fun yea but no biggie. For me it was HUGE. Enormous. The heat danged near killed me but I didnt cower back into the car and say take me home. OH yea, my adventure was actually a reward *blushies*. She did it because I'd taken the time to shave rotflmao. Its hard for me to manouver around the tub so I tend to just not shave. Hey no ones touching my legs or anything and I don't wear shorts outside the house so why bother. A frame of mind I'm going to change. Besides contorting my big assed self around to do that is good exercise lmao. So basically the TALK, lead to me realizing just how much I consider myself worthless. Not worth doing anything for. I do start to try to do things but in time it falls through and I have as of yet to succeed in any of my goals. Well I'm actually going to count this journal as a success. I've kept it up for almost exactly a year now. So I'm gonna say its my first true success. Since the talk I've been doing what Sue gives me as lists. Little things to do to improve my physical self. I actually painted my fingernails for the first time in years. Even put a couple flower stickers on them :) I used to always paint my nails. *gasp* I'm even gonna put some make up on at least 1 time a week just for the hell of it. Its gonna be a while for the actually going to the bar again or that type of outting but I'm not gonna totally overwhelm myself like I usually do. I'm gonna take the time to enjoy these little things and make them a routine. Nails 1 x a week, make up 1 x a week, shaveing, nature outting a couple to few times a month (yes that means I'm even gonna try something like sled riding in winter a few times, gonna be funny as hell if I fall off the sled or tube and go rolling downhill, self made snowwoman ROTLFMAO!!!!). Like I said, it aint much but its steps I'm taking to starting to feel like a woman and realize I am worth doing it for. I'm pondering even doing a web site for this journal and do a page for each month of entries. Each page having a different theme and then all the entries for that month on it. Simple but I really enjoy doing web pages even though its only with this 1 site that makes it easy as hell. Its going to include new monthly photo's of me if I do it. Thats a step I'm thinking to trying to show myself its ok for everyone to see me and I won't be laughed at etc. Gonna start trying new things too. Did my first the other day. Sue and I went out for GREEK food (she asked where and I actually suggested it). It was actually good. I still HATE olives (tried these cause they are different then the jarred type I've tried, I gagged lmao) but I like Feta cheese and stuffed grape leaves are an ok, once in a huge while type thing lol. We're gonna go there more often instead of doing fast food places (since I can't eat Chinese anymore without getting sick, not sure what it is but I always get sick now *sighs). I think its one of my favorites, some crab thing thats yummy as hell but tears me up. Its the only thing I can think of that I've had every single time (unless its the oil stuff is cooked in, I dunno lol). Anywhoo, its little things I'm beginning with but once I get used to this routine, I'm going to add things. I'm going to keep following Sue's "lists" and come up with things to reward myself. Simple things like a book or a cd or movie etc. The biggest reward I hope for though is that I really begin to feel like I'm worth it. Because I am. I gotta start liking me. OH yea, this month (after my financies get back on track, a couple weeks tops) I've been told I'm going through all my clothes and getting rid of the worn out stuffs. *giggles* Sue finally has her ammo to get me to dress better lol (I knew she was just biding her time!). Hey work ruins my clothes and I keep putting of getting nice stuff because of either $ or I'm gonna loose weight etc. Can't use that excuse noooo more (I told her I want to get a couple things, then later I was told about going through clothes lol). Granted I'm not going to get dozens of expensive outfits because I will be loosing wieght but I'm gonna get 1 really nice outfit to go out in then a few cheapy but decent outfits for work. I have lost enough weight that mine are actually slightly hangish on me. Makes me feel like a hag actually, my clothes are so bluckie now. So I have at least 6 months to prove to myself I can succeed. When the time comes for the surgery, I'll have another talk with Sue and decide if I should truly have the surgery. I know she will tell the truth, no matter if it hurts or not and while she'll make me make my own desicion (which it will ultimatly be me, no one else, I just want her input because she see's what I do to myself). If/when I do succeed during the next 6 months or so, it is going to show me if I can handle the next huge step in my life. So in 1 sense, all the delays and problems are a good thing. Its still frustrating, I'm still quite angery and resentful but the Goddess has her ways and I follow her guidence. I know she's leading me to my path of being a GOOD Shamanka (OMG Ok this may be silly but I just googled shamanka to make sure I spelled it right, its the word for female shaman, and I just found a school for shamanka's! I've spent dozens of hours trying to find shaman schools etc and never came across it and I have even used shamanka before too! Those that know me, know I'm quite good at finding information so its not like I shouldn't have found this before. See I take things like this as signs from the Lady that I'm turning the right way in things, that I'm beginning to think correctly.) Anywhoo, Brigit (my alpha Goddess) is leading me to the path of becomging a good Shamanka, Witch and Priestess (to clarify, Shamanism and Witchcraft are practices, NOT religions, both being nature aimed and I want to be a Priestess in religion, maybe Wicca, but not sure as I am ecclectic and study tidbits of all religions but follow mostly Celtic styles). Right now I think I can do. NO I know I can do it. Lets hope it lasts that way! I am actually worried about doing my normal giving up type thing. Oh yea, I'd also done a MUMM in one of my sites asking advice on if I should continue doing this journal because lately its QUITE embarassing to write in even though I've not really said much about my feelings on that. I got a big reply saying don't give up on both the journal and surgery. I had a few people help me get my head straightened out and I appriciate that. So I'm sticking with this in the assumption that there will be a surgery eventually. And on that note, I've just spent several hours working on this and I'm beat lol. So this book is done lol More to be written later.

Well I guess I should bite the bullet and update this journal. Its almost 4 am and I'm pretty tired but figured I better stop delaying. (Update a little while into this, its already a long one, your gonna need time to read this one). I got updated on how things are going with the insurance company last week. I found out that I have to start the 6 month weight loss/watch portion of the process over. Yea, this 6 to 8 month process is now already up to 13 months, now I have another 6 months to add on and then there's no telling how long it will be for waiting on the surgeon. IF I get accepted, that is. Can we say major blow to the nerves and frustration? But I'm holding it together better then I thought I would. The first couple days I was teary and angery. VERY angery. So angery in fact, I fired my doctor. So yea, on top of the newest delay, I have to find another doctor again. Fun fun, joy joy. So here's the story in as brief a nutshell as I can get it. The doctors office that I just fired (I'll call it Doc E), the doctors office where this all started (I'll call it Doc F) and the surgeon office (I'll call it Doc N). "Twit" will be the fucking lazy assed, incompitent secretary thats made my life hell, since January!!!!!!! *snarls and wants to hit her big time right now* Doc E's office has been messing with me by not sending copies of Doc F's old records. The records that show I had completed the process for surgery except the sleep apnea test. I signed 3 times in Jan and Feb to have those records sent. In Aprilish time, I got a call from Doc N's office stating that they had not gotten Doc F's records but did get 3 months of Doc E's records, which were NOT needed. So a ticked off me goes to Doc E's and find out that they are not sending record copies because legally they can't send copies of copies. So I go to Doc N's and sign papers there to get Doc F (who, btw, is retired since Dec, aka months gone) to send copies. A couple weeks later, I go in for normal appointment at Doc E's and asked secretary about the sending. Found out she didn't do it! So Doc E sees I'm pissed, we talk and at end of visit, he goes out to secretary and tells her to send the records! So I wait a few more weeks and by now I've fallen into my 13th month with this process. Last week I called in Doc N's office to find out what the news was. Thats when I found out, that yet again, Doc E's office had NOT sent the copies! I blew a fuse! I literally got so angery so fast I was shaking full body. Sue aggreed to go into the office with me because I told her if I have to deal with that fucked up secretary again, I was going to dive over the divider and beat the shit out of her. She'd of had to of gone to ER cause I was THAT pissed and few can stop me when I start (yea I'm the bitch that tangles with 2 drunk men fighting, literally, I'm that nuts when angery). That Twit better be thanking her Deity she was off this day because she'd of seriously been hurt. Anywhoo (trying to calm myself down here and theres definatly fire flying from my eyes), I told the on duty secretary I wanted to see Doc E and explain why I was no longer going to be using his office. I also got her to give me copies of the records needed (there was 1 paper showing I'd signed, wonder where the other 2 are, lol). Found out also that Twit had sent the copies from when Doc E told her to, to their billing office, saying they didn't have the address! Remember here folks that they had sent 3 months worth of my records to Doc N's office a couple months before. They had the address, they just knew shit was hitting the fan right then and there and was trying to cover for Twit IMO. So they get Doc E to meet with me between calls and I explain to him in detail. He'd brought his business manager in btw so explained to both. He appolgized and seemed sincere and I said I was letting him know because he'd been tryig to help me. Sue thinks the reason the manager was brought in is so Twit could be fired. I hope like hell thats right! Those that know me, know I've got to be totally and completly pissed to say that. I've been told I'm one of the kindest peeps around (dang, there goes my hopes at having a Bitch rep, yeesh ;-) lol). SOOOO, part of the delay is because of firing my doctor. Now for the best part..... Doc F, when I was seeing her, was NOT keeping proper paper work. The whole 6 months with her was a total waste of time. If Doc N tried to send that in, I'd be rejected. Doc N will NOT send in the paperwork until they are almost 100% certain of approval. All that time wasted on nothing. Bitch of the thing is, if Twit had been doing her job right, back in Jan I would have found out about the bad record keeping and could have begun my 6 months then and be ready to be operated on in this time frame now! Instead its gonna be at least 7 months from now, more then likely longer. Oh yea, I have to have 6 months weight loss/watch consecutive, which means Doc N's office can't piece together any of my records to make this all work. So I'm sitting here with slightly watery eyes, frustration on my mind, numb feet, numb brain and as bad as it feels in some ways, I know I'm gonna pull through. I'll get the surgery eventually. I'll buck my way through this and hope like hell people learn and all my problems and delays help keep others from dealing with same thing. Guess I'm gonna play trucker and keep on trucking through it all. Anyone wanna toot my horn? *giggles with a yawn* Wish me luck on finding a new doctor with GOOD staff! I've been told about a lady by a friend at work and Doc N's office said they have had her patients come through and she does everything right. I'm gonna give her a whirl if she acceptes me as a patient. And all the while, I'm gonna wish that Twit has as much a miserble time as I do! More to be written later.

No updates on insurance approval and no new doctor visits lol. I just felt like writting a little bit about part of my "support system" via internet friends etc. I've been writting this journal for nearly a year now. The longest I have ever kept! Its not easy at times but there are a couple people that keep me going just by simply asking if there are updates. I thank the Goddess for all the people that have put up with me during the last year. Who knows how bad off I'd be if I didn't have my friends. I think about everyone thats let me know in some form and even those that haven't and hope ya'll are having a nifty day or whatever it time it is when I think lol. But right now there are 2 on my mind, 1 more-so then the other (even though they are hooked up together, and its not really 1 more-so but more intently for some reason). I'm not gonna go into detail, not that I know much detail but needless to say theres tension and fighting within said couple and I worry about them. So basically what this entry is about is if ya'll don't mind, send up a prayer or whatever it is you do for the others in my "circle" that support me and also for yourself if you need it :) How's this tie into my gastric bypass life? Being my friend, makes ALL of you VERY imporant to me in my time of wackyness and hell. Ya'll have helped hold me up in even the tiniest of ways, and that tiny way is massive in my eyes. And everyone needs a prayer said for them at some point. I know I'll keep asking the Lady to watch over all of you as well as help me :) Heaven, this ones for you. Much thanks, my friend, for being the one that kept me going with this journal in the beginning. Hopefully mine, and those I've just asked, prayers or whatevers will be answered and you and Karn will benefit. No matter how stressed ya get, theres a wacky kitty thats saying HEY KEEP THE CHIN UP and go turn all 5 of your boys over your knee, give them a swat, then a tickley huggle :) If that don't work to give ya'll a giggle, go have a water balloon battle lol, it works wonders ;-), great way to have a giggle fest AND clean the house lololol and yes that means I'm saying do it in the house hehe (the kids did that here a few weeks ago, hysterical time it was lol) Or just wait for the package lmao. *hugs to you and Draggoo and give each other a huggle from me. And everyone else, wrap your arms around your waist and squeeeeeeze. Thats a Katt Huggle since I can't give you all one in purrson. My little thankie to you as well. More to be written later.

So, yet again I simply gotta stay....STILL WAITING!!! AAARRRGGGGG *rips hair out Still not word from the insurance company. Who knows how long it will be. I talked to my doctor about it yesterday (the 29th). He seems confident I will get approved because of all the health issues that are coming up for me (the list so far is...arthritis in spine and knees - on high level pain killer for this,,,,, diabeties- on 2 meds for this as doctor also thinks I have some female disorder that mimics diabeties and the treatment for that is same meds for diabeties,,,,,high blood pressure - on 1 med for this and its working great, my BP was normal even with stressing yesterday,,,,,of course obsese - supposed to be on 1 med for helping loose some weight but insurance didn't pay for it,,,,,on 1 med to help me quit smoking,,,,,sleep apnea - supposed to be using the C-PAP machine but I keep waking up FREAKING badly and have to rip the mask off my face to stop a full blown panic attack,,,,, and then there's my OCD problem - on 1 med for that.) Crazy ain't it. I'm not quite 37 years old and taking almost the same amount of meds as my mom and dad did in all their bad health issues! I had to go buy one of those weekly pill planner things just to get it all straight! I swear if the insurance company doesn't approve me after I've gone through hell to be diagnosed with all this stuff, I'll scream bloody murdering hell. Oh yea, as a side note, my doctor non-chalantly tells me yesterday the bad head cold I'm getting ISN"T a head cold. I have allergies. ALLERGIES??? TO WHAT? How ironic though that I think he is right! Yesterday when I changed to get ready to go see the doc, when I got in the car and leaned back, it felt like I leaned back onto a porcupine! I kept getting little prickly pinches everyone on my back and there was nothing in my shirt or on the car seat. It didn't leave up until I changed shirts and put lotion on my back. I also remembered this last load of laundry I did was in new laundry soap and thats around the time when this cold started setting in. LMAO Goddess with the adding to the list of problems ever end? I feel like I should be 96 not 36 lol. Oh well. The more problems now, the more likely for approval so I'll bite the bullets and deal with things. The only one that worries me is the sleep apnea. I'm telling you people, go look information up on sleep apnea and if you snore or sleep long bouts without feeling rested, TALK TO YOUR DOCTORS! Ask for a sleep apnea test. Its a simple thing where you go get hooked up to some wires and then sleep. Easy peasy. If I can get used to my breathing machine, many of my problems would ease up! I was sooooo totally amazed to learn just what all sleep apenea can affect. There are 4 stages of sleep that we go through each night on about a 90 minute rotation. Level 4 being the level where your body "resets" itself, thus letting you feel rested. I don't reach level 4 at all! I only get 0.3 on level 3. Hell its no wander I have no engery etc! My body is fighting to stay alive basically the entire time I'm "sleeping". Anywhoo, I just thought I'd give a lil information about what I've been discovering/dealing with. Mind you, I'm NO doctor, I'm simply going with what my doctors and nurses are telling me and trying to share some information to help people. Always talk to your own doctors before going with what I say. Its your body, if you want something to be looked into, ya gotta let it be known. I say ask for sleep apnea tests because far more people have it then admit it. Another thing that will cause weird problems I found out via a friend is tonsils! Yep, if your an adult, make sure you keep an eye on those buggers to if you have them (I asked to have mine checked yesterday and mine are good to go whohoo, one less issue lol). Something else you should do to is keep your family doctor informed of any other doctor situations. I made sure to let my doctor know about the sleep apnea and found out HE DOESN"T use his machine because he freaks LOLOL. (I'm getting along better with the quack and we are learning to communicate better. My major anxiety attack last month really made a difference in how he is dealing with me and I him. He is listening to me!). I took all my pills, including my vitimins and nazal sprays in and asked him about interactions etc. I found out over the counter nazel sprays can be adiciting! He told me he had been addicted to them years ago! He prescribed me some thats not so bad for ya. He was pleased I took the initiative to take all my pills, both Rx and over counter and vitamins in so he could see what I'm on. Do that as well. Your doctor may not realize what she/he has you on or what other people have you on. Well I hope that my lecture helps peeps to realize you CAN get doctors to listen to you. Its YOUR body and doctors are only human, they make mistakes and sometimes first bad impressions could be wrong. Asking to get tests done like the sleep apnea and tonsil thing can only lead to good things. Your either gonna find out you have a problem you didnt know or your gonna find out your good to go. Now me and my misterious allergy/major head cold thats making me have Rudolph the red nosed reindeer nose and making me pretend I'm Sneezy from the 7 dwarves are gonna go do some house work and lie down lol. I hate being the Drippy Nosed Katt lol. More to be written later.

Sooo, Are ya ready to cringe yet folks? No need to, its a good day lmao. My infection is nearly gone (still seeping some slightly poisoned blood but its getting a better red and not bleeding as much since it "exploded" and its not much swelled) and my fever finally broke yesterday leaving me weak but getting better quicker whohooo, my head cold is nearly gone and I think I have figured out some of the problem with me being so sick so much lately. See my bed is on the wall that the shower is (no singing in the shower here or I will tease the tar outta ya lol). Last night I was struggling so hard to not have stupid thoughts and I asked my Goddess, Brigit, to help me pull through this stupid slump I"ve been in for so long. So I talk to her for a little more. My crazy mind actually started to settle down a decent amount. Then I looked up.... Right into a small mold looking patch right above my head. Upon further investigating, right where there is a crack in the wall above the shower stall. In other words a purrfect spot for mold to grow. Which mold will make people sick. And every night for a few months now, I've been sleeping in my usual jammed in the corner, back flat against the wall to help me keep from rolling onto my back (remember I have recently found out I have sleep apnea), and my head is RIGHT under the patch every night. So now I gotta get my room moved around like I've wanted to for a while actualy, get that section of wall and ceiling scrubbed and disinfected and see if we can fix the problem. Yea, what fun. But hey, if it means I stop being so sick all the time or even just part of the time, I'll do whatever I need to. Its not been fun being laid up in bed for nearly 3 full days, hardly able to walk because of major swelling and heat rash and then draining gooey blood from top of let (joint area). LMAO, if your gagging, bite me, at least you arn't the one living with it AND NOT KNOW WTF HAPPENED! Yea, I still have no idea whatsoever as to why I have this massive infection. NO cuts, NO bites, NO nadda cept heat rash. So anywhoo, I honestly hope that my stupid crazy thoughts back down enough to where I can get back to my normal self on a regular basis and make people smile so I can smile. I've enjoyed the last 36 hours or so by watching videos of movies and tv shows on here (DROOLS over Criss Angel and the guys in Supernatural, I REALLY gotta start watching tv more, gotta love shows with great theme and hot as hell guys lmao), making goofiness in Gangland (a pimp game I play a hell of a lot and I'm the goofball poster, shocking aint it lmao, for some reason when I've not posted in a while, I get something said along the lines of, finally a funny forum, go figure lmao), and stuck on reading JC's online book right now (note to self I had to stop on Slammer 2.3 and ask if I can put JC's addy in here one of these adventures). Weirdly enough reading his book thingy makes me think of my brother and cousin with a good mind frame and maybe I can do something to repair the damage going on with my downs syndrome brother (a case of he doesn't want to see me because of how my dad turned him against me, a fact which my aunt realized I wasn't bullshitting after dad's death and is witnessing it and at Easter she got fully pissed off at him for not telling her why he refuses to come see me and he's hurt me so many times I really don't give a fuck anymore type thing...I miss my brother, I've given up a lot for him,*laughs ironicly* like my own family, more then he can ever understand, but I can't let him keep hurting me. Think I'm gonna have to talk to the Goddess about this one to see if I should risk another hurt.) So hopefully I can keep my head out of my ass this week and do the SMART thing, suck up my anxiety and total fear of finding out either answer and call the surgeons office and find out what the progress is. I think there should be enough time for the sleep apnea results to have come in for some sort of progress to get moving. Hope my terror at either a yes or a no final answer doesn't stop me. More to be written later.

So I am sitting here, extremely sick and jamming to the VampireFreaks Music Player (If I lay in bed much longer, I'll be as flat as the stupid thing, I've already got the shape starting lol). I missed work today I was so sick. Its been a rough week emotionally on me. Lets see, it got so bad I nearly gave up. I won't go into details on it exactly but lets just say I was wacked in the head with stress and run down and just plain nowhere near my normal self. I'd taken notice of the fact that most of my journal entries have been low level, not cheery like I like. Tooooo many things added up and created a different me that few will ever see. Luckily I have total trust is MrPeteyTypeDude and he got me holding on by a thread. I'm still down in spirits for the most part but I'm beginning to think that this week has been so bad due to the fact I was getting sick as well as I ran outta my meds again the other day and can't get them til Friday (didn't think of that until a little bit ago). Also got the female thing kicking my arse and a couple lumps mixed with heatrash (one of the banes of being fat is skin rubbing on skin getting it all heat rashy and painful to say the least). The lumps has Sue telling me to get it checked out but I got so sick today I wouldn't have been able to make it back to the doctors today to save my life (I had a visit yesterday and that was soo stressful, I broke down in his office and let him know what I thought of how his place was run etc. He didn't know of some of the issues, like the transfering my old doc's medical records and he took care of that by telling his secretary to send them now, will see how that went tomorrow. Needless to say I didn't even think about the lump issue). Anywhoo, lots of little things slammed at what all seemed at 1 time and its been a week from hell. But a little bit of good did happen concerning getting more information to get me approved for the gastric surgery....My sleep apnea doctor wrote a letter to my fam doc and the surgeon and its already been received and my fam doc told me it says the sleep apnea doctor recomends I get an extreme amount of weight off type thing. Another strike against me concerning health issues brings another plus to encouraging the insurance company to accept me as a candidate. So thats 4 doctors so far. Hope like hell its enough and is enough now to get the ball rolling a hell of a lot faster.....Before I break totally. I can't help it. I'm a Leo and I truely do carry the weight of the world on me at times and it breaks me down when it gets to be too much. I think thats why I'm getting sicker more and more often. The more stressed out I am, the more often I get sick. I been holding a lot in as well. Oh hell a massive thunderstorm is hitting (I've got headphones on with music full blast, yea I know, bad for ears but helps me at times, and I'm hearing and feeling the thunder/lightening strikes). I wish I wasn't so sick so I could go outside and enjoy it!!! I LOVE massive summer storms....standing outside as the wind and rain whip ya so hard ya weave and at times when its really bad get damned near knocked on your ass lol, the smell of the fresh rain...mmmm makes me smile just remembering past storms. They make me feel alive. Theres nothing as theraputic as facing Mother Natures rage and beauty in it :) Walking a beach at night with wind storms whipping the waves into a white, frothy mess comes in a close second, specially when the waves and the wind are so heavy it damned near pulls ya into the water lmao. LOVE IT! Storms on hot summer nights are the absolute best time in life! And I'm stuck in the house sick lol, how ironic. THANK YOU LADY GODDESS FOR THE TORMENT! LMAO More to be written later.

Have you ever reached a point in your life that you can't help but think of the crossroads you've crossed? The dead ends in life that flipped around to be new openings? Pondered "What if this had happened this way or that that way?" Regreted, while at the same time not, regreted the paths you've taken? I'm having one of those times tonight. For the first time in what seems like ages, I actually have the house to myself for almost a full day. I've enjoyed chilling downstairs watching a few movies, talking to FizzFizz (my dog). Hell I even cooked supper. Just one of those Campbells meal in a box things but hey, I used the oven and mixed the batter for the bisquits so it was cooking. I watched "Over the Hedge", "Forrest Gump" (one of the all time best movies ever made, and of course it made me cry and think as usual). Lastly I watched "Somethings Gotta Give". Excellent movie. But another one that made me cry and think. And think. And think. Did I mention between the 2 movies I cried alot and thought? Did do some giggling as well but I mostly thought about Life and Death. Logically I know the 2 go hand in hand. You can't have a Life without Death. You can't have a Death without Life. The 2 shall for eternity walk hand in hand. Something that shouldn't be feared actually. We are all, after all, born to die. I actually don't fear Death. When She comes knocking at my door, I'm gonna thwappy Her just for kicks and jump into my next life. Is the Life that I ponder and pain over. I wonder if having the gastric bypass is something I should do. Is my moments of doubt tonight something that is a normal thought process? How normal is it for someone facing this life altering surgery to doubt if they are doing the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? Its meant to help my life get better but part of me right now wonders what is the point? Hell I'm gonna be 37. Whats the rest of my life going to be like *sighs*. Am I going to fall back to old habits of seclusion and hermitry? Will I ever feel like I can suceed, I mean truely feel it deep down and know I have? So many questions and doubts and ponderings tonight. Things I truely can't give answers to. The one that weighs the most heavily on my mind tonight. I realize that in another 20 to 30 years I'm gonna be old before my time physically. The damage that has been done to my joints with being fat will age my body faster then others. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I can't be a burden on anyone. The very thought of someone having to give up their lives to help me with mine like I did with my family kills me. Its seriously tearing me apart. I'd never change my choices I made for giving up things to help my family when I was in my 20's. But theres no way I could put anyone I care about through that. I also can't face the thought of old age homes either. Those 2 things terrify me out of wanting an old age. I mean literally terrify me. Guess I'm going to have to find some subjects that will talk with me concerning the thoughts they had in the time frame leading up to their surgeries. How they coped with the doubts and wonderings and fears. Any regrets they may have. I know I can't be the only one with these thoughts. Can't I? More to be written later.

I got an extremly nifty phonecall today.....I no longer have to wait until July 3 for my sleep apnea test results! I go this wednesday!!!!! 2 days! OMG I'm so relieved right now I could cry lol. Its been so hard waiting and waiting and now just POP, almost 2 months time is knocked off the wait time. It means resceduling my doctor appointment with Doc Quackers, which means I'll get scolded again, which means I'm just gonna tell him to go shove his head up his ass and find another doctor. Well ok, maybe for this month and June, I'll bite my tongue and pretend patience. The last thing I want to do right now is miss this month and next month appointments when its the last thing I have to do (unless my old doctor has sent my old records, which if thats the case then I have no worries. This is just a precaution to make sure I have the 6 month doc thing in.) I'm so excited and relieved and feel silly for how low I've been (I always feel silly when I've pulled through a low time but hey, it happens, I'm human and a Leo, I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and stress easily). I should have known the Goddess would do something to pop me on the ass and put hope back :-) THANK YOU LADY!!!! Also found out (ironically, both these issues were within 2 hours of each other) that if our friend decides to go with the trailer and not the house down the street, I might be able to get into my own little place. Might even been able to buy it on article of agreement. Its just the first sniffing of that idea but it would be so nifty if I got into my own place. Its only half a block from here and I know Sue wouldn't allow me to seclude myself like I always did before :) But can't get my hopes up again. Just thought it was rather nifty as well as the phone call lol. A 3rd nifty is, Sue and I planted my plants I bought last week rotflmao. She laughed at me cause I was using my hands when she came out to help lol. I guess my forlorn look and pouty "They's gonna die" line didn't help matters lol (I had a good day and was a tiny bit silly). Wow, my shoulders feel rubbery, so much tension has drained out so fast. Now to get through the hurdle of waiting for the insurance company to approve the surgery. Also that my old doctor sent the records to surgeons office. Thats all thats left as of Wednesday evening :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF More to be written later.

I can't wait till this emotionaly gambit I've been running lately goes away. I hate this up and down crap I'm going through. I sit and wonder how much more I can take waiting wize and I wind up telling myself I've gone this far, I can go a few more months. I just have to change the time frame of my plans for the future. But the hardest thing in that is I have to find a way to give up having kids. One the things I've wished for since I was around 17. I wanted to have a set of twin sons in my mid 20's. It ain't gonna happen. People keep telling me that it can. Keep trying to help me not give up on that but I have to face reality. I can't have kids now because it would more then likely put me in a wheelchair due to destroying my back with the weight addition. So by the time I get the surgery, get the weight off and would be capible of carrying the rugrat (or rugrats in my hope), I'd be over 40. Too old in my eyes to have kids. So I gotta give up one dream that I've never truely given up. Maybe I'll hit it lucky, get rich somehow and be able to "hire" a surigate mom to carry my rugrats for me :) (leave it to me to start thinking of alternatives lol). I'm seriously beginning to think about going that route. I've actually already looked into the sperm donor route, so no different for getting a carryier. I know, rather harsh of me, but I'm not one of the lucky ones to have kids without these options. Well unless the Goddess desires elsewise, but she's not closing off all my options just yet so I can still dream ;) Wouldn't be the same as me carrying the rugrats, but would be my eggs so my kin. Just gotta find a carrying momma and a sperm donator, and the money to do it lol. Hey my mom raised me and my downs syndrome brother for years on her own. There is no reason I can't raise kiddo's myself. Yea I'd rather they have a daddy but who knows if that would ever happen. I'm Krazy, not Stupid lol. Here's a secret I've not let out yet. I want to be a football mom of a Raider or 2 hehehe. Yea I know, silly thought but hey its true lol. I may be from Steeler country but I'm a diehard Raider fan lol. Don't mind me, its a giggle moment at my silly thoughts and dreams. But then again, what makes any dream of a purrson's silly? To be honest, nothing. Dreams may not come true, but don't seriously think of them as silly, no matter what they are. I've held mine for damned near 20 years and havn't given up lmao. Silly me ;) So anywhoo, I need to yet again thank all those that have been so supportive of me and help keep my spirits up when I'm draining fast and seeming to be more down then up now. Without all of you (you all know who you are, be you spoken out or just in thought), I'd be totally lost in frustration. I truely appriciate all of the well wishes and encouraging messages I've gotten. May the Lady bless each of you with a nifty gift of some sort :) I seirously doubt I'd be able to keep on going if it weren't for the encouraging. I can't understand for the most part as to why this process is going so much longer with me then with others. Maybe its because of this journal. I've never been able to keep one like this long. Been doing it for almost a year already! Thanks mostly to Heaven and Petey on keeping my interest going :) I guess this subject today isn't really purrtaining to the gastric bypass but its twisted in there together in my case. I hope its just my case. Now to figure out how to keep my chin up, my spirits goofy and my mind clear. Gotta love being the crazy Krazy Katt ;) More to be written later.

Guess its been a while since my last update. I've been feeling rather burned out lately. The only thing that catches my interest of late is playing EverQuest. Kind of funny right now that I have a bit of urge to write but gotta have the music of the game booming in my ears. Could be cause of how sick I am to that the music is soothing and giving me a bit of a push. Not much though *sighs* I had the sleep apnea test. Went fine. Kind of weird having all the wires hooked to my head via some icky pasty stuff. Didn't take me long to fall alseep either. The bed was really comfy. Anywhoo, I was told in the morning that at first, while I was sleeping on my side, there was very little apnea activity. Then I rolled onto my back. *sighs*, the way it looks, I'll be back for sleep apnea treatments. However I won't find that out until July 3rd! ANOTHER couple months of waiting! Makes me wanna cry, literally. I can't take the waiting anymore. I keep thinking that they are going to reject me now. By the time I get the actual results from the test, its going to be 13 months I've been working on this. NO ONE I've talked to has taken that long to get their surgeries. No wonder I'm so frustrated. That doesn't count the time I'll still have to wait after to get into the surgeons office and schedule the surgery! IF the insurance approves (STILL no answer with that) I'm sitting here in tears, barely able to see the monitor because just talking about (well in this case, writting about) the subject makes me tired. I'm so tired of waiting. SOOO many things are now becoming irratating and frustrating and no where near as fun as they were a few weeks ago. I've even noticed yet another group of friends is drifting apart. We still talk but not all together like before. I hate the thought of another group slipping apart. I hate the thought of waiting another couple months. I hate writing right now. I'm getting too damned old to live my life like this. And tomorrow is Mothers day. I hate not having my mom! I FUCKING HATE MOTHERS DAY! I miss my mum so badly right now. Miss how she could make me laugh even what I was stoney emotioned with a goofy face. Basically what I do to my friends. No one did it better then my mom though. She could always cheer me up. *sighs* I miss and need my mom so much right now. Hard to beleive that up until a couple years before she died, we were damned near enemies. She was my best friend for about 5 years before she died. Not enough time! Guess I'll shut up and go play EQ or go to bed again. I'm sick big time right now and that may be a big part of my anger and tiredness. More to be written later.