I can't wait till this emotionaly gambit I've been running lately goes away. I hate this up and down crap I'm going through. I sit and wonder how much more I can take waiting wize and I wind up telling myself I've gone this far, I can go a few more months. I just have to change the time frame of my plans for the future.
But the hardest thing in that is I have to find a way to give up having kids. One the things I've wished for since I was around 17. I wanted to have a set of twin sons in my mid 20's.
It ain't gonna happen. People keep telling me that it can. Keep trying to help me not give up on that but I have to face reality. I can't have kids now because it would more then likely put me in a wheelchair due to destroying my back with the weight addition. So by the time I get the surgery, get the weight off and would be capible of carrying the rugrat (or rugrats in my hope), I'd be over 40. Too old in my eyes to have kids.
So I gotta give up one dream that I've never truely given up. Maybe I'll hit it lucky, get rich somehow and be able to "hire" a surigate mom to carry my rugrats for me :) (leave it to me to start thinking of alternatives lol). I'm seriously beginning to think about going that route. I've actually already looked into the sperm donor route, so no different for getting a carryier. I know, rather harsh of me, but I'm not one of the lucky ones to have kids without these options.
Well unless the Goddess desires elsewise, but she's not closing off all my options just yet so I can still dream ;)
Wouldn't be the same as me carrying the rugrats, but would be my eggs so my kin. Just gotta find a carrying momma and a sperm donator, and the money to do it lol. Hey my mom raised me and my downs syndrome brother for years on her own. There is no reason I can't raise kiddo's myself.
Yea I'd rather they have a daddy but who knows if that would ever happen. I'm Krazy, not Stupid lol. Here's a secret I've not let out yet. I want to be a football mom of a Raider or 2 hehehe. Yea I know, silly thought but hey its true lol. I may be from Steeler country but I'm a diehard Raider fan lol. Don't mind me, its a giggle moment at my silly thoughts and dreams. But then again, what makes any dream of a purrson's silly? To be honest, nothing. Dreams may not come true, but don't seriously think of them as silly, no matter what they are. I've held mine for damned near 20 years and havn't given up lmao. Silly me ;)
So anywhoo, I need to yet again thank all those that have been so supportive of me and help keep my spirits up when I'm draining fast and seeming to be more down then up now. Without all of you (you all know who you are, be you spoken out or just in thought), I'd be totally lost in frustration. I truely appriciate all of the well wishes and encouraging messages I've gotten. May the Lady bless each of you with a nifty gift of some sort :)
I seirously doubt I'd be able to keep on going if it weren't for the encouraging. I can't understand for the most part as to why this process is going so much longer with me then with others. Maybe its because of this journal. I've never been able to keep one like this long. Been doing it for almost a year already! Thanks mostly to Heaven and Petey on keeping my interest going :)
I guess this subject today isn't really purrtaining to the gastric bypass but its twisted in there together in my case. I hope its just my case.
Now to figure out how to keep my chin up, my spirits goofy and my mind clear. Gotta love being the crazy Krazy Katt ;)
More to be written later.
