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5-27-07 30th entry

Have you ever reached a point in your life that you can't help but think of the crossroads you've crossed? The dead ends in life that flipped around to be new openings? Pondered "What if this had happened this way or that that way?" Regreted, while at the same time not, regreted the paths you've taken? I'm having one of those times tonight. For the first time in what seems like ages, I actually have the house to myself for almost a full day. I've enjoyed chilling downstairs watching a few movies, talking to FizzFizz (my dog). Hell I even cooked supper. Just one of those Campbells meal in a box things but hey, I used the oven and mixed the batter for the bisquits so it was cooking. I watched "Over the Hedge", "Forrest Gump" (one of the all time best movies ever made, and of course it made me cry and think as usual). Lastly I watched "Somethings Gotta Give". Excellent movie. But another one that made me cry and think. And think. And think. Did I mention between the 2 movies I cried alot and thought? Did do some giggling as well but I mostly thought about Life and Death. Logically I know the 2 go hand in hand. You can't have a Life without Death. You can't have a Death without Life. The 2 shall for eternity walk hand in hand. Something that shouldn't be feared actually. We are all, after all, born to die. I actually don't fear Death. When She comes knocking at my door, I'm gonna thwappy Her just for kicks and jump into my next life. Is the Life that I ponder and pain over. I wonder if having the gastric bypass is something I should do. Is my moments of doubt tonight something that is a normal thought process? How normal is it for someone facing this life altering surgery to doubt if they are doing the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? Its meant to help my life get better but part of me right now wonders what is the point? Hell I'm gonna be 37. Whats the rest of my life going to be like *sighs*. Am I going to fall back to old habits of seclusion and hermitry? Will I ever feel like I can suceed, I mean truely feel it deep down and know I have? So many questions and doubts and ponderings tonight. Things I truely can't give answers to. The one that weighs the most heavily on my mind tonight. I realize that in another 20 to 30 years I'm gonna be old before my time physically. The damage that has been done to my joints with being fat will age my body faster then others. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I can't be a burden on anyone. The very thought of someone having to give up their lives to help me with mine like I did with my family kills me. Its seriously tearing me apart. I'd never change my choices I made for giving up things to help my family when I was in my 20's. But theres no way I could put anyone I care about through that. I also can't face the thought of old age homes either. Those 2 things terrify me out of wanting an old age. I mean literally terrify me. Guess I'm going to have to find some subjects that will talk with me concerning the thoughts they had in the time frame leading up to their surgeries. How they coped with the doubts and wonderings and fears. Any regrets they may have. I know I can't be the only one with these thoughts. Can't I? More to be written later.
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