iC51NerdyBitchxOGAHOWNERxHDsPORTxDNSxRGx's blog: "In General Random Crap"

 The main issue with me is I'm so use to getting hurt by others and hurt in general that I tend to hurt everyone around me... trust me if I could be warm and loving it would totally rock.. but because I'm only human getting hurt and then lashing out is really the only thing I can do! Do I feel better about myself when it happens HELL NO... but what are you gonna do? Not a whole lot someone can do in my situation... I still give alot because I believe that some day when I need it the most I will receive not that I haven't recieved already for the things that I have done but I'm hoping one day that I will get what I've always wanted and that is to be free... >

They say in order to get something that you always wanted that you must work hard in order to achive it... I would love nothing more then to get out of this house and all though I have tried as little as I can... Its still not to the best of my ability and I know that! I'm not good at change at all, hey some people arn't some are! But me yes defently not I still am yet to get over the fact that OCD controls most of my life and superstitions are always there yes I know their part of the devil working in your life not God's... but again only human and it will take time! As for changing my 5 year bendge of not leaving the house as well... I guess I just never had a real reason to leave the house... if I did I'd prolly go now... for example when Caddy got real sick with a UTI and I had to take him if I didn't he would have died... lil did I know that if I had waited a lil longer he would have the doc. said he was 95% dead when we took him in there to begin with and he might not make it threw... but with some prayer and 2 miricules God had givin us he lived and I left! I guess if I had something I really wanted to do I'd do it... like that! > As you can tell I'm pretty much patient... most people I know would kill themselves in an instant being stuck seeing the same 4 walls day in and day out... but me even though sometimes it gets rather depressing I still manage... you know as well as I do that I would love to have for example a new purse... now this is an example cause God knows you only need one purse and hopefully under $10 I mean as long as it held the shit you needed its all good! Anywho... its total materiallistic thats the way I see it! The only things in life that for sure you need is shelter, food thats including water, and something to keep you warm at night! >

 I don't belive that I have wasted any of my time being with you if you do decide that you don't want to be with me. I think that God puts people in your path for a reason... >

 I mean shit you really think that God dosen't have a plan for your life or even mine? Maybe just maybe I'm suppose to be in this house to figure out something for myself... and yeah it sucks and yes its depressing but God dosen't want me to be misrable hes all love... its a challange a test I suppose anywho i hate talking about that it makes me want to grab a bottle and take it right here and now! > So anywho....

I am not fond of kids they bug the shit out of me kinda!  I like it quiet, I like to be free to do what I love it gets me off to learn something new about graphic/web design its my nitch! And in order to learn you must be focussed and to be focussed you need no distractions... In my life as of right now I feel like if I had a kid it would screw up my chances of achiving what and where I need to go in life to have and support one in the first place in no way do I want to be one of those people that has a kid and has to flip burgers for a living just to make sure my child has a roof over their head and something healthy to eat on the table morning noon and night... I want to beable to get as good as I can to the point where whatever I choose to do dosen''t interfer in the love I give my kids... I want to master me before I can master them do you get what I'm saying... and when and only when after I get married I want to wat at least 3 - 4 years before I think about having a lil one as well adopting of course... because I would hate to put my child into a broken home... mother and father have to be present in the house.... so the kid has a safe and happy secure place he can call home as well!  

Ok... I'll write more later just trying to get all this crap out my mind haha you understand