iC51NerdyBitchxOGAHOWNERxHDsPORTxDNSxRGx's blog: "In General Random Crap"

Hey all I know that alot of you are worried or concerened about me so I figured I would just make a blog about it sence I prolly won't be on as much anymore do to alot of things.

I'm in a hard place in my life... some of you know that I was Agorephobic for 5 years of my life and finally God has rerleased me from that. After praying alot and I mean ALOT! My Mother, Surreal & DJ Deoblo from Fubar have been trying like hell to get me out at much as possible so that I can get use to once again being able to cope with the outside world.

Well recently I have been having God awful pain's from hell in my chest, lungs, heart, and Ovarys... (yeah yeah go to a doctor... I know I've heard it all before) A. I have no health insurance it will cost for a single person 2K for 6 months to get it and I've honestly only had about $35 to my name for 5 years! B. Agoraphobia, Hypercontriac, you name it. i know most of you won't understand all this being that you would have to live it to know it!

Anyway's I'm not one to give up but these past two weeks have been so hard! Matt aka Surreal you know the fu hubby has not called all this week... I heard from him 2 times he left me a YIM in 3 day incerments that he had to get an MRI and that he was sick... now usually if your sick don't you usually let the love of your life know whats up? Call them all the time? He hasen't  once said I love you or that he misses me all week! And it hurts more than anything in the world.

I have called all the hospitals in his area in a 6 hour radius, called his place of work and they said they have never even heard of him... I even called his Ex Wife and she basically told me to go Fuck myself! I also tried conntacting ppl he was close to on facebook, nothing posted some stuff on his wall asking that if they know of where he is or how he is that they would let me know!

We haven't talked sence Vday... he sent another chick back and forth spicey gifts and why? WTF? No double standards my ass? Ok all i know it's Fubar who can you trust... Fubar is like a dating site designed for hookers and Players I get that but for the good ppl of Fubar keep on going! A few of you have said that Surreal was a player... that hurts even more!

I love Surreal I really do he's been my best friend and love of my life for so long and i know in my heart of hearts that were ment to be together! I wanted to go down and see him but sence none of the work and talent I do for any of you ever gets anything but some fubucks because bling packs you can pay for fake shit but graphics no no no fuck that... so I'm broke I sit here all day and do up wonderful things and I get nothing back for it basically because this is just a website its not real life! All I ever wanted was a chance... and I almost got one when my parernts had put money down to buy an art store of mine and my moms dream but that failed to its kinda like God has me as his #1 in who should we give the most shit to? Oh theres a lucky canadate... don't get me wrong I love and believe in God because I have in my life felt them around me and do great things in my life but lately and for well sence 2000 its been nothing but shit shit shit... and why I still sit here time after time and give  two fucks about anyone is beyond me!

Ok so your like ok shit happens to everyone and no ones happy... and alot of that is true... and I am still thankful everyday for the things God has given me... Ive done with the bare minimum a crappy TV from the 80s, the last popular game system the PS2 cause i'm a sony lover... the Wii... but come on hellllllo no friends =s no wii fun... Ive never once had a brand new computer the one I'm on now's about as new as the tamagochis you got when you were a kid or when the first ninja turtles came out... but I'm not complaing I'm thanking God I guess you could say I'm pretty humble!

So I'm sick wtf ever right... I could be dying... oh fucking well... you know that I use to paint alot? Have you noticed anything new lately? Nope... pretty much gave up on that as well... being that the inspiration for it can't even call me! Hmmm New Fubar song? Fuck it... Just can't get it done no more... maybe one day but thats if I can stop crying and all that!

Am I wrong to let the love of my life not call me, not  even care and still love him? Maybe I'm just crazy... but as most of you know I'm not one to be alone. I hate it shit I'm a scorpio we value most highest our relationshis and our friends! Not y the stuff we got possasanals but by whom is in our life! Which reminds me Thank God For Caddy!

I don't know what Imma do to be honest... no money, no love, no life! gotta love it! And hey I'm all about "the secreat" as the next person but I think I'm at a point that I just can't get passed... as much as I do pray and as much as I do hurt... who really cares? No One point blank its all about omg how many NSFWs can i put on here so that Someone will get me an auto bomb or a bling pack so that i have a reason to get up in the morning and be a whore... poor kids thats all I can say pooooor kids! People seem to forget this is a WWW kids have computers in school... how devestating to be them and be like imma look up my mommy! BAM! I can see it now... My Mom/Dad they whores.

Anyway enough bout that all Im saying is I prolly won't be around here much anymore...

Late! Comment if you like... C51