Hello, awful by-products of pig fat, and welcome to another LOOOOOOOONNNNNGGG overdue edition of HackFest. Name's Law, but you can call me "Shirley." If you do, it gives me the perfect excuse to behead you. While I'm thinking of it, let's get into a rant about everyone's favorite young shit bucket....Justin Bieber.
From what I can tell, Justin was signed on by Usher and has grown in popularity with the little tykes and teenie bopper crowd. He's got a multi-million dollar tour in Europe and the U.S. right now, and just sends all the little girls' hearts aflutter when he sings. To which I only have one question....WHY?!?!
Don't get me wrong. I've heard a lot of his stuff, and back when boy bands were just coming out, he'd be quite impressive. However, we are now dealing with an age and era where boy band music takes a back seat to more stylized and focused musics. Now, I'm not a fan of any of those genres, but I know they are substantially better than Bieber's bullshit any day of the week. For example, Lady Gaga actually has some decent rhythms for some European whore, and Kesha, or Ke$ha however you want to spell it, is topping charts as we speak. Hell, with the recent death of the R&B diva queen Whitney Houston there are tons of artists coming out with memorial albums that are billions better, like Jennifer Hudson and Chris Brown, for starters.
It may sound like I'm just bashing Bieber....and you're right. I am. He's got about as much talent as one of those Disney pop sucktoids, and just about as much ego to boot. His voice sounds like a dying cat, his dance moves are straight rip-offs from greats like Michael Jackson and Omarion, and his personality is about as stale and repetitive as any other pop star backed by "kid-friendly" record labels. But hey, he has that awesome hair, in which someday I will set ablaze while chasing him down with a garlic rocket launcher and a water balloon filled with holy water and sulfuric acids.
What's more, his fans adamantly protect this jackhole, stating his music is better than anything produced....ever. They further go on to stereotype all other genres of music, most especially my favorite: METAL. Now, it's one thing to go around and endorse your favorite artist. I love Metallica and Korn, for instance, but you don't see me going online and calling their fans emo-kids or Satanists, do you? Want to know why, you adolescent pieces of whale dingleberries? It's because Metal and Rock fans are mostly violence-induced idiots. Talk shit about them or their band, and they WILL rip you a new one. Me, I'd just settle with kidnapping you and trapping you in a small confined room with a rabid honey badger and cover you with BBQ sauce. That would entertain me much more than your lame Bieber-induced seizures.
The moral, kids? It's fine to like or not like a certain kind of music. It's also okay to voice your opinion about said music. It is NOT okay to force it down people's throats and state that it's the only TALENTED music ever produced. Keep down that road, and a huge amount of whiskey-drunk bikers will show up to your door and do unsavory things to you, your parents, your pets, and possibly your old nanny. Again, still more entertaining than Bieber.
Well, that's it for this rant. Read my next blog....whenever I decide to write it, or I'll find a way to implant a bomb in your colon while you poop. Ta.
Greetings, piles of flesh with fruit salad, and welcome to a long-overdue edition of HackFest, which in some language means the slow decay of your own lives. You should know who this is by now, so I'm not going to grace you with any semblance of an introduction.
Tonight, as has been the norm as of late, I'm actually going to backtrack into politics and re-rant on a few things, just so people can get a feel on exactly how pointless this is.
First off, let's be clear. It is blatantly obvious that we now are a country divided. If it's not the mainstream media putting us at each other's throats, then it is the out-and-out ignorance of the human race that prevents us from seeing the big picture. I know that someone deep in the regions of that thing on the top of someone's neck called a head that a little organ called a BRAIN is working, so it should be obvious to everyone, right?
Wrong. In fact, less people have decided to use this organ and continuously attack the ruling status quo hoping to make a dent. It's either that or make stupid comments on live radio or television that is enough to spark already spilled gasoline. Listen to me, people. Until we are ready to accept what we already know as a change, we will completely consume ourselves. We will be forever consigned to a life of perpetual strife and in-fighting as a nation. Yes, while it poses a huge amount of amusement from me watching you people shoot each other and attempt to make one another swallow organs freshly ripped from the other's gullet, it doesn't change the system. As long as we fight amongst ourselves as a nation, others will see us as a joke. Not weak, not harmless, but a joke. Mark me, people, it would be one joke that only THEY would be laughing at, and by "they" I mean THE WORLD.
So, as previously stated in my last rant, SHUT THE HELL UP AND FIX SOMETHING!!! If you cannot, meaning if you're not in a position of power to directly fix the situation, go through the proper channels and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Of course your rabble isn't going to do any good. Protesting just nets you on the news. Shut up and deal like the rest of us, or so help me you'll find the head of some other guy's dog lying next to you in the morning!!
I'm done with this rant. Read the next blog or I'll figure out a way to make you sleep in a vat of rancid cottage cheese. Ta.
Salutations, over-fed protein puss-bags, and welcome to a long ove-do issue of HackFest. If you're wondering who actually takes the time to write these damn things and haven't figured out by now who I am, well, let's just say breathing for you is a privelege, not a bodily function you should be exploiting right now. Tonight's little tidbit is going to be on the Media, simply because it's worth mentioning...again.
You know, it could be me, but I'm seeing the mainstream media make themselves more and more of a target each day. If it isn't dumbass politicing from non-politicians like Rush Limbaugh and his awful verbal spawn Glenn Beck, then it's some other yahoo advertising something idiotic that we in this fine country don't really need...like Slap-Chops. I sometimes pity the masses for being exposed to such garbage.
Then I remember that the masses are idiots and incinerate them with large amounts of napalm and bleach. Here's why.
You see, the media only gains power when numbskulls watch it and have faith in what they see. No, it's not believing what they see that's the problem. It's the whole "I like this" argument they automatically put into their heads. They fail to realize that all the negativity in the world is caused by people who feed you garbage on the tele or on the radio. It's exactly why the U.S. is divided the way it is now.
To those nut jobs who think that I'm some undereducated fuckwad just spouting out garbage, I have actual proof that the media's screwing us all with a giant spiked dildo. Just look at the healthcare tea parties. Leave politicians alone, they can come up with some really good ideas. Let a camera in, and they milk it up just because they're on TV. It's a common human response, really. Just look at Paris Hilton. By the way, just if you're wondering, my natural response to someone shoving a camera in my face is using said camera as a suppository for the camera-person using it....and then ripping it from his anal cavities by force to use it on his next of kin.
The point I'm trying to make is this: The media, in all the information it beams into our heads via television, is still run by fatcats who want to choose what information they dull out. It is a means to enflame or sadden the masses. Should you want to subscribe to it, it's all on you. However, if you're smart, you will read between the lines of what a news anchor tells you on that little screen of yours. It might be something more than what you think...or worse, it might get you to think. Can't have that now, can we, media moguls?
What I'm basically saying is be smart enough to read between the lines. Don't judge your opinion and inflammatory words towards someone or some issue without thoroughly thinking it through. Heavens know that people already don't use their brains enough nowadays. It could also be due to the fact that I'm adding radiated sugar in their cereal...but I digress.
That's it for this time. Read the next blog I post when I post it or I'll send Pork-Boy, the Breakfast Monkey Man to come to your house and teabag your grandma in front of you. Ta.
Yo, obnoxious dirt clods, and welcome to another edition of HackFest, the leading cause of deprivation on the interweb besides porn. I'm not going to bother to tell you my name, Because if you've been reading this blog long enough, you should know it by now. If not, I've alreaady sent you and your loved ones a delicious barrel of anthrax complete with a tart flavoring of swine flu to help you remember.
Today's rant is about politics, and, yes, how much I hate it. I'd think of something clever to say, but just the thought of having to even do this rant clogs the witty parts of my brain with rage.
You see, I'm not the one to be involved in politics. All things considered, I hate the whole lot of filthy politicians that pollute my precious government. They are too self-absorbed in in-fighting to actually try and solve a problem. Our government is more concerned with debating who is right or wrong rather than solve the fucking problem.
First, you have the left wing people, who believe that competing with the right wing is more important than solving a problem. Oh, sure, they present ideas and other useless information on the problem itself, but nothing is really done other than a quick-fix solution. They only mildly address the little man's issues and get back to fighting the right. To these people, I want to say this: GO SCREW SOME RABID MONKEYS OR SOLVE THE DAMNED PROBLEM!!! Stop caring about what the idiots on the right say or do and get to actually presenting the issue and solve it!
Which leads me to the right. These assholes completely are obsesseed with fighting the left wing and looking towards the interests of the private sector (meaning the rich guys and business owners that pissed off the country to begin with) to actually set up anything worthwhile for everyone. A perfect example of this is Rush Limbaugh and his racist following. Rather than quit their (not crap, outright SHIT) against the left, calling them Communists, Socialists, and the ilk. I personally want to shoot each and every one of these rich-boy whiners with a salt-filled shotgun and watch them writhe on the ground which I've filled with pissed-off scorpions.
Don't get me wrong. Both sides, when they actually stop trying to beat each other in the heads with their own dicks, actually have some good ideas to help the country. It's just that they don't try to cooperate and come to an agreement that works for both the private sector and the little guy i.e US U.S. CITZENS NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW!!!
My personal belief is that once the country reaches a point of compromise, we all benefit. If we stop trying to incite civil war and actually focus on the problem, we can prosper. No, we'd rather fight each other than come to a solution in Congress. We'd rather sit around and bitch and moan about how things suck than actually do something about it!
To both sides I say this: Unless you actually have some useful ideas, or are trying to actively fix things, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BEAR IT!!!! Stop prattling away on useless talk shows and using the media to exalt your ideas, and do something about it. Personally, I shut the fuck up and bear whatever crazy scheme our powers that be have, knowing good and damn well that it's not my place as a citizen to bitch. True, I don't like some of the ideas and implemented policies that exist in our country, but I steer clear of that minefield and actually focus on me. I let the times roll by and do my part as a worker ant.
Yes, I do rant and rave, but only when there are ideas that lack the one thing this country seems to have left in the wash: COMMON SENSE!!! When something is stupid, truly stupid (like racism or transgender operations), I bitch about it. However, these are something that someone can actively ignore and leave alone. Besides, most people just shut up and accept the government and all their schemes because ultimately there is nothing a common man can do.
The moral? Unless you have a plan to get into office, shut up. Unless you have the political and financial backing to fix the problem you're bitching about, shut up. If you don't stick a weasel in it, I'll ram that same weasel in your anal cavity and set it on fire.
That's all for this rant. Read the next one, or I'll find a way to give you rabies with my mind. Ta.
Greetings, flatulent substitutes for goat cheese, and welcome to a much overdo HackFest. If you don't know who I am by this particular issue, congratulations, you've just made my "People who need to be wiped from the gene pool" list.
Many of you actual fans have been wondering for a long time when I was going to actually post commentary and editorials on recent events, such as the death of Michael Jackson and other things that light up your evening. Though I've tried desperatly to steer clear of those minefields, you people have been brazenly leading me back there through fan mail, so I decided to indulge you clods a bit and actually chose a relevant subject for the devastation that is the rant. That subject, as much as this pains me to do so, is on Iran.
Now the subject remains to be seen as to how the revolt in Iran will exactly go. Apparently, or at least from my knowledge, the Iranian government has been turned on its ear faster than Paris Hilton at a Chippendale's concert armed with lube due to the fact that accusations of a rigged election have placed some American-hating dictator back into office. What gets me is not the actual revolts, but the prattling of U.S. officials that something must be down in Iran. I, for one, want to beat each and every one of those turd-mongers in the head with a uranium shovel.
The way I see it, the U.S. has interfered with enough countries and their governments for a lifetime. I mean, we completely dropped the ball in Iraq, and look where that got us: Mountains of debt that our current prez is still trying to clean up. If that weren't enough, every country that has had U.S. intervention wants to set up an embassy and a Starbucks there. As if our hypocritical B.S. wasn't enough, now we have to give third world countries crappy coffee, too?!
Listen, here. We have enough problems of our own as middle-class Americans without having to hear all this bullshit about Iran and other countries in peril. Maybe if our government actually looked at who exactly was paying their fat f-ing salaries they'd second-guess the whole thing and start trying to get some more revenue for our country. Instead of relying on bailouts and other countries, why not try to create some solutions for the problems we ALREADY have?!?!
Back to Iran. I say let the country sort out the crap it needs to. If they kill off their entire population, great! We get first dibs on oil from there, and we can build a Middle-Eastern Disneyland there. What I'm saying here is let them sort it out. If they have an American-hating sociopath for a prez, that's their eggs and coffee. Why should we meddle in the affairs of this country to set some "shining example" when we are the biggest bigots and hypocrites in the world?
Don't get me wrong. I love this country and the freedoms it gives to us common folk, but it's the way the boat's sailed that bothers me. I mean, is it just me, or is it that every election we have we choose only one guy from two political parties and completely ignore the other guys whose ideas ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE?! (Yes, Ron Paul fans, I'm talking to you!!)
Case in point: Leave Iran to its own devices. Let them duke it out and completely stomp each other out of existence. Gives me a great excuse to steal their crap and gain some black market organs.
That's it for HackFest tonight. Read the next issue, when I feel like wriiting it, or be subjected to licking the scrotum of a hairy man with lice. Ta.
Howdy, condensates of sentienance and cold salami, and welcome once again to Hackfest, home of all things immoral. I would make you bow, but I see you're all trying to stab your own eyes out in hopes that the rant in this edition won't corrupt your very core into a blur of babbling voices. Tonight, I wanted to show most of you an unwarranted display of mercy and pleasure. Seeing as how there are tons and tons of new movies being released, I thought that I would unburden your brain by letting you know my interpretation of how some of these movies end.
I Am Legend: Basically, this dude called Legend finds out that all of humanity was eaten by Roseanne Barr. There's this huge final battle in which he defeats the mutated version of Roseanne, also known at this point of the movie as "Rose-zilla" by stuffing an oversized chicken bone down her throat. Then there's a huge dance number where Will Smith thinks he can salvage his music career by showing his "gangsta" side.
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem: It turns out that the hybrid predator/alien was Dick Cheney, and that the whole thing was planned by the outer-space version of Condoleeza Rice to take over the United States and turn it into a huge intergalactic sweat shop. The hybrid, unfortunately, was shot in the face repeatedly by angry townspeople led by the local whore, also known as Paris Hilton.
Enchanted: Two words: Gangbanging bestiality.
Sweeney Todd: Case in point, the "Demon Barber" was none other than a frustrated John Malkovich struggling with his career. He goes off to behead Ted Turner, who for some odd reason buys his crap and criticizes it as "worse than baby drool." The movie climaxes around a huge John Woo-like gun battle between Malkovich and the beheaded Ted Turner, who turned out to be an android. It ends with Malkovich with a bullet in the eye...and not in a good way.
Beowulf: Basically, the whole movie was a documentary based on the true story of Christopher Walken in his early days, and the Grendal was really the embodiment of Satan, portrayed by Angelina Jolie strictly for the fact that the film industry liked the fact that Lucifer was hot. It ends with a hot sex scene between the two, followed by Walken sucking all the blood from Satan and becoming lord of the Underworld.
Well, that's it for Hackfest. Read the next blog or I'll figure out a way to make your clothing explode. Ta.