87 and soon there will be 90
A lot of things can change in a period of time when you allow your soul to be serene. I sometimes can’t do that until I figure out where to hide. One place I can’t hide is in my house, unless everyone is gone seeking someone else to exercise they attention seeking with. Although, they are seeking mine, it gets in the way of quality time. I am one of them people that could get along with dead. They don’t fuck with you, even if you fuck with them. They always hear you. You don’t have to worry about are they there. It isn’t like you know you they not alive. Hell when you want to just be listened to they the best listeners. You don’t have to worry about someone trying to make you feel awkward or stupid for having feelings and emotions. Everyone wants to feel what they is saying is heard and valid at some point and time, since all the time is impossible. You might not see who is there, but you know their soul is there and more importantly God is there, where is he not?
Find it hard to understand how everyone claim they know what you feel, how you feel, and what you need to feel like. If I thought like they wanted, I would be sitting on their lap, with their hand in my back. Shit I get to the point I remain quiet, because then I could have the best feeling in the world work wonders on me and show me how I am growing. Because while life is existing and I am present I’m able to analyze who I am with and without the company around me. The disease work thru people and although they don’t understand how desperately it wants my company I know better then to wallop looking for different results or feeling things are going to change just, because I have change. I am still the same tall, black, with the same facial appearances with a couple of differences. The differences are manifest thru my actions of changed behavior. My thoughts to accomplish shit are my foundation I am building. My mind is the pyramid I am reconstructing to withstand bullshit of all kinds. The tools I am using is what God supplied, It always been there, a 12 step program. There is where a lot of craftspersons are with even more sound methods and equipment for me to use. They been where I been they are my guides to helping me better myself at whatever I dreamed I could or should do, but being and remaining clean must come first.
I have to learn not everyone is at or going to be where I am at the present. That is where personality roles have to be analyzed and situate in my life in categories, either I can use them or won’t. I must be acceptable with understanding my environment is not a race track, I am not suppose to run when life on life term sound like starter pistol and I take off. I must understand the disease or devil come with his doctor bag full with instruments to disassemble my life. It’s looking for is my feelings so it can damage my emotions. If my emotions can’t heal my spirit will hide until farther notice, A.C. (All Clear).
When I said, not everyone is where I’m at, most times it have nothing to do with knowledge, concepts, or principals. It is a mode that was built and is so hard for some to relinquish the energy it needs to fester. Many of us fear facing the disease’s backlash; so they stay clean, but still grip on to their negative attitudes. They ignore the disease that never stops looking for a way to creep in. I understand I am under siege and I am worster seeked, because now I am coping and learning more about how to exist without a drink or drug. This time around I do not doubt anything about my control over issues. I don’t want to be forced to deal with my unmanageability eventually. I know it isn’t going nowhere because I practiced being unmanageable more then being manageable most of my life. That also includes the company I managed to keep. If I weren’t unmanageable I wouldn’t have hand picked associates that eventually become nameless individuals I can’t stand after a while.
The difference today, I can look at how far I came with the little bit I accomplished so far. With the little bit I have been blessed with and the stuff I thought was a test, but in actuality they were preparation tools. God was strengthening me, so I could maintain what I have today and ready myself to build some more tomorrow. I don’t want the reflection of the company that invade my circle to paralyze my efforts to grow. Some people still mix friendship with confusion, drama, ordeals, situations, problems, because it is all they know. They haven’t yet thought to begin the process of change no matter how many days, months, or years. Easy does it my ass, if you think playing possum with me to get in my circle is all right with me, think again. You know when you got a problem when you have to escape just for freedom. Shit if I have to sit down at the end of the day and figure what was the purpose for their company? Very seldom I volunteer to violate my serene by looking for such off brand company. I don’t even like knowing it is coming by way of a phone call. Some people use phones like they locked up and it is their only resource to the outside world. I personally hate phones, because that is probably the only way to sleath mode my world.
I hate crowds and I am from New York, so I need to explain just what I mean, because limited thoughts would get confused. Sometimes people can be like having the same pieces to jigsaw puzzle trying to figure out what come next. Anyway I am from a large family like a pack of wolves or pride more like, because it was more women then men. God knew I had to get trained by the best, if I was going to be a man whore. Anyhow, I believe I don’t want to be made to smile, act when I don’t feel like working for an Oscar. I am very shy or private, I’m not masking up. See when people want to know something about me, they team-up and start assuming they could read me from mask I put on to ward of creepy spirits. I don’t always feel crowd approving, I just don’t like to be looked at. Myself tells my esteem they CSI’ing you. They don’t like whom they see. They wondering what else I don’t have by the way I try to stomp with the big dogs wearing hand-these-to me downs (thrift store clothes), wannabe accessories. Shit the only thing that is eye catching is my hands, because of the possible harm I could cause due to my hands packed with rings. That would be the only conversation piece that would welcome, because the rest most times fall into the ugly categories. I don’t find me intriguing nosy ass.
Well I know one thing; I don’t try to figure what other people are doing and try to lend them efforts on their affairs, whether business, private matters, or whatever. If I am questioned for my opinion perhaps I might cooperate, but don’t get happy, because whether concertrate on my own shit. I do feel honored someone respect and feel I am noble to share with. One thing they don’t know if I will stretch their business out of shape, trying to play with it like a rubber band. And I refuse to say too much, so you better listen up and hope I say what you want to hear. I really don’t look to stroke not feelings by agreeing with their wrongs or rights.
The mask for some turns into a wall. They want to hide and not wonder about shit. To many of us still do what they done while addicted. Prioritize things according to feelings, like what, who, or why we want to fuck with it first. I like being around people that are doing their own thing that don’t require anything from me. It they want to vent or share something with me, I don’t refuse them to become my temporary company. If I don’t like their spirit I don’t want to get trapped like an animal again. In fact they might get a lesson why they shouldn’t be like a virus and have a negative influence on someone day.
I like meetings because I know since we are supposed to be a fellowship; we bring a different brand or should, if we are going to change. I wouldn’t want to go somewhere I am uncomfortable or constantly made to feel like an outcast. It is a difference with being in a crowded room and still feeling alone, the same way it is feeling wanted and uncomfortable, it depends on the individual(s), topics, emotions, subject(s) and mostly, if it was free will or force to attend. In the beginning I felt I was going to not like meetings or feel singled out. Instead I was latched on to and I been holding on since. I’m enjoying the ride. I don’t want to fail and not because I am scared, but this the most wonderful time in my life. Talk about enjoying the reality of being clean and about ready to start step work. I feel, this is just I speaking for thy self, but I am living the principals of the 12 steps everyday. I practice to live them is what I should say, because it is not going to be an easy task everyday. That in return make me want to be with a group of people practicing the 12 and 12, (steps and traditions). This gives me more insight on how, what to do, and why I should be willing. I don’t mind being a follower today, because it won’t hurt me, if I’m lead by the spirit. I know now what is right, wrong, and what happens when I try to justify or substitute one of the other.
Not too many people want to admit to being a greedy motherfucker. I can, so they still don’t have too. One is too many and 1,000 will never be enough for. Because once I get that one, it is like feeding a gremlin after 12, I get obsessed and my compulsiveness takes control and shows everyone how unmanageable I am. It doesn’t make sense to start something I won’t want to finish. Patience is delicate to me, if I rush and don’t use the require details for smooth sailing; I am liable to capsize, because of my ignorance. I am not going to say I love being broke, but I am met at the levels of my needs. I don’t need anything that later on down the line is going to back me into opposite corner I just came out of looking for a way out in the dark. I been in enough corners in the dark, to know if I just remain still and adjust my sight to the darkness I will find that light switch eventually.
I was talking to someone in another state long distance and the question about compulsiveness came up. I stated I don’t know how to do a little bit of nothing. I went on to say I don’t know how to drink a little, If I drink I got to go on till it is all gone or I volunteer to pass out. If I do drugs before the night is out, I will have enough left to get one more. I don’t even know how to fuck for a couple of minutes, I want to fuck for a couple of hours, and I want to do a lot of shit in such time. And I am so greedy I want to keep going with out taking a breather. I even want company to join in. then I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind. I remember when girls played hard to get. I would say just let me get a little bit or just put he head in. As soon as she cracks the seal, I didn’t lie on purpose. I really don’t feel I liked. I just don’t know how to put a little bit anywhere and I might as well try to put my legs and feet in it, because I am going deep. I want it all.
I been getting a lot of good support from a lot of people, who don’t even know who they given me treasure worth of knowledge, in my eyes. I need that information too regain my responsibility, because being responsible to me was letting her do or go find her, so she could do it. First of the month, I wish would never come around, because I don’t know nothing about paying no bills with legal money. I very seldom worked a real 40-hour job. Hell the longest I worked and got a pay stub was probably 3 years. Funny thing about it I was on the job hustling and making more money then my check. So that was another influence to make me say FUCK a job. I don’t want to be JUST OVER BROKE (JOB). Today I need glue just to repair the broken pieces, but don’t think I can’t take care of myself. I didn’t say I was homeless (although, don’t have the house in my name. that is the only technicality) or a bum. I can take care of myself, but I would rather someone else down. I was trained, to be taken care of by a woman, her family, my family, and very seldom I relied on self. I relied on whores and their tricks, which knew kick the house and you can kick it in one of my rooms. I always thought I was supposed to be responsible to find someone else willing to share my responsibilities or take them on with their responsibilities. I knew quite a few, times I was eligible also. In order for a woman to want to do it, I had to come with some things also. And I did. I provided a foundation, food, pleasure, and I was great for their self-esteem. I would wrap my words around them like a coat and make them feel welcome, in the beginning of course. When my fingers ran across things I needed to borrow. Just to show my appreciation I would get little things for them too, because I heard from television little things mean a lot See I believe in stealing from the rich and giving to the less fortunate and I would give me and whoever was there, but I came first, since I put in the work of course.
I can’t monitor, control, manage, or operate shit today concerning drugs and drama. I am learning what to do with the spare pieces left over from my puzzle. I know they go somewhere I got to keep looking. I got to say I really enjoyed thinking everything was unlimited for my use. I never knew I would be powerless over drugs, alcohol, money, thoughts of sex, or anything I used to block reality. I am addicted and very greedy with my compulsiveness. If I thought I could use successfully, you wouldn’t be reading this.
