Just around the corner 120 days
Addict name Carlton, help! I am facing a critical time in my life, because I have been faced with some situations that are not stressful or amusing, the disease is disguising itself as thoughts of my actions I been making. I do not want to believe my theory is normal. I think it is more severe then I can manifest. My thought pattern sometimes sets up a prototype of mis-advice blue prints. At the same time, I recognize it is the notorious disease weaving me in this web. I cannot ignore it, because it is not taking a backseat to anything I try. Instead, I have offered not the backseat, but the bus stop bench to my meetings, suggestions from those who care about my recovery, and I might well say the high power’s guidance. The guidance happens to be my step-work I started and stopped building links to farther my recovery. Here I am so wrapped up in my snowstorm until I am constantly trying to ignore the disease is trying to arrest, sentence and execute my ass by my own omission. Sometimes you meet people and judge them only to find out your judgment is nothing but jealousy. In my case, I saw an individual that was not half as bad as he seemed. He is young, living life, and having fun doing so. In my case I was not considered young, I living a double life of standards, mine and someone else’s, and I had to be advised what was fun. I was people pleasing and never even understood who I was supposed to really be pleasing. Funny part about it, it was and still is never enough pleasing to go around. Ask me if the disease didn’t claim a victory over me using my insanity and I won’t lie, because I am still infected with my ill-thinking.
Some one and I were trying to figure what it is that is making me feel something that does not seem normal. Not everything is going to be right, so why my insanity told me it is ok for now. I feel I just brought a ticket to my own pity party! I even allowed myself to have live entertainment. When the band heard the irritation in my voice that was music to their ears. I try my best to find a set of ears that do not let their tongue rule the conversation. I cannot resist spitting up my emotions to relieve my irregular sentiments.
Now thru this all I cannot figure out if me not going to meetings due to the trust of my peers. I do not believe I am hiding a reservation from myself I do not want to use nothing. I do not want to believe I am avoiding the opposite sex at the meetings. I do not want to use someone to justify what I am feeling that I really have not addressed. I am not looking for victims or volunteers I constantly educate myself daily, because I am aware of whom I want to say was, because I keep feeling still is. I am not trying to hash no old stupidity, but I do not know what I am really feeling. I do not feel stupid, filled with fear, or lazy. I want to blame money having something to do with it, but is it the corporate? I do not want to say it has something to do with me facing and trying to accept life on life terms one weekend. I did succeed with not acting out, but I am battling with feeling stupid for moving along. I am successful with ignoring and forging I accepted the bullshit. This whole situation, feel like a germ maturing into virus. Honestly, I feel it is eating my ass up.
I really do not want to embarrass myself by stating I do not know what I felt or smelt one night, but something definitely is not sitting right in my soul. I had to share my thoughts with a total stranger, because my insanity is attacking my spirit. I felt slightly better knowing now it is out of my system, but I am far from a cure. Now a stranger, my God, and I are aware. I do not want to be right, but I do not want to keep trying to prove myself wrong. I am not trying to be an addict trapped in world of mystery, because eventually my recovery could become history. I do not want to reschedule misery and not only let people down, but most of all myself. Yes, I do base part of my recovery on what people feel, because I enjoy the lime light even if it don’t seem sweet all the time. I do not want to always dwell in the cellar of suffering. I want people to keep respecting my ability and use me as a conversation piece when they talk about how people can just wake up after they was like a remote controlled car on the wild side.
I am fighting against myself and I do not know what I am supposed to be fighting. I wonder am I going to continue recovering in the rooms or am I going to try it on my own again? I have to live in the rooms, because I came this far. I am not looking for pats on the back any more or people praising me with their eyes, although I grew accustomed to that. I have to ignore I do not admire many things that circled the moat around the meeting grounds, because they not responsible for my recovery. I am trying not to use that as an explanation. I do not have any excuses, but I do not have any answers either. Most times, I think no one will understand what I feel or why I am using this scheme with out the use of a drugs or alcohol. To me it is my insanity penciling me in to play in this dirty game. I hate to admit it, but I am showing up and looking like the same team player that had a high batting average being pitched beer, crack, and weed swinging. Every now and then dope was the closer, but I would scratch myself from the line long before the umpire called strike three out your hooked. I cannot allow relapse to be a part of my story again. This time I am noticed I un-paused the button on my relapse story. Although, I do not plan to not use, but this is almost the same movie that I co-star years ago.
I need to challenge myself and do a 90 and 90 again. I must find some cuffs to arrest the insanity that has receive several 24-hour passes. I do not know what happened but I done picked up a dissertation habit. I cannot keep playing with my recovery. From prior experience will not start sooth my pains I blanket myself with. I do not want to stay wrapped up in denial (do not even know I am lying). If I am lying, I want to truly find out what it is I am lying about or afraid to admit. Could it be my relationships with me, myself, and who, I? It is certainly not my higher power, because I finally allowed him in and I am constantly trying to gain the wisdom to learn differences I am expected to make. I will not even peek at my current relations; because that is certainly something, I will not figure out. I am trying to avoid showing up to perform circus acts to please the crowd I am not comfortable with. I am certainly not caught up in the rapture, especially since half the time my mind require more of my own attention. I realize I have some of those familiar formalities back into my daily routine, if I am going to become strong again. So far, I am stronger in the wrong vicinity and that happens to stall my footsteps to keep strengthening my recovery.
Why this morning reality reared its possibilities and jump-started my curiosity to find a solution to my self-inflicted situation. This seems to be a reoccurring event that I feel entangled by every thirty days and now it is worst. I did not have a drug dream. I dreamt I leaped off the wagon. That was a clear indication I am in danger. I felt when I woke up my recovery had vanished. I looked around for my old self, but I could not feel my own presences. I think I slept with jeopardy and could not deny I back myself up into this corner. Now I have to pray, attend even more meetings and never feel I am above picking up anything that would give my addiction its get out of jail card. I am not going to tell myself I do not have the desires, because I do. I have to look out thru my peephole to see what the disease is wearing just for today, so I can be aware of his disguise. Of course, I remember my last day. I am trying not to include another day, because I my navigation system always been broke. I will not know when to stop so I can walk back into the rooms. I am scared and I feel, because I do not understand my choices just for today that no one is going to understand how to help me stop accepting them. God please instill my black behind back in them rooms no matter what it takes.
