Thanks for giving me 108 days of no desires
Addict name Carlton on the only day I guess you are suppose to give thanks. I say that because this is the only tradition, such as Christmas that is publicized as a must do. I used everyday damn near months ago; year’s olds and I always gave thanks. I was grateful to be alive after some of the shit I did. I was mostly glad that I was not arrested, got something that was what it said, but wasn’t to my expectation, but it was close enough. I was thankful mostly to have money for another go around if God risk the idea of letting me wake tomorrow. Back then my self-centered core of my obsession made my thanks for giving real ugly when I look at myself of yesteryear. Today I am apologizing to God for being the way I was back in the day. Today, I am thankful he allowed me to survive after committing voluntarily mental and physical suicide. Those were just some of the things my insanity was thankful of. Everyday was thanksgiving. The 4th Thursday of November wasn’t a priority to celebrate, because although I didn’t know where I was at in my life, I knew who had my back and made things possible. Understand since he made the way, I was using and abusing my will and I was thanking God for the wrong things.
Now since I am able to be home from jail, I’m able to witness better days since yesterdays ago. I can honestly say Thanksgiving is just one of them days I don’t pay to much attention to, because everyday since being clean and serene has been thanksgiving to me. I choose be chilling here inside my business on this day by myself not celebrating by tradition, but by allowing myself to show thanks for what he had given me again. I am not looking to make a dollar, but I am here just in case. This is my thanks to the creator for allowing me to see how much of a productive associate of society I can and have been developing to be. I am also trying to revamp my talents, make it stronger, think outside the box and improve my conscience and produce more positive graphics. This is the gift I am utilizing that was given to me and in return delightful eye pleasing masterpieces is what I will give back, for a fee of course.
I could have been doing a lot of things today that I was doing last year, but I am honoring the blessing I have received by remaining clean no matter what. How about staying clean even though you don’t have any current communication with your family. I refuse to be with another family to use a substitution to feel accepted. Talk about believing if you reach out to one of your family members would be one giant step backwards, because of the anger still stirring. I tired it once. It didn’t work and I moved on without using behind that negative feeling I tempting me. How about this will be the first and many more thanksgivings and other holidays your baby sister won’t be around. How about you want to so badly to be with your children but they won’t answer your request. Just like your mother they are too hurt to response to make my day better. Their feelings are still fragile behind my neglect and abandonment. I forced on them to accept my feelings when I was using. I understand their issues and I can’t do anything until the Creator feels I am worthy of their forgiveness and accepting me back into their life. Boy do it hurt, because I am powerless, I must not use regardless. I don’t have a problem being faithful and patient. How about when you wake up and wonder why are you here. Don’t you know it is so many forces against you and some are more confused, but won’t stop battling themselves to be the official in charge of the game? Not once are they paying attention to my feelings, but there is that self-centeredness circling my moat clinging onto victimize label. I want to use that as my ace in the hole, because claiming to be a victim is all I know. Why don’t I stop being jealous of those relationship around me and realize I am powerless, limited my grow in that area. I am focused on change, but not locked fully on accepting this situation so I feel the confused emotions that surround my triangle of self- obsession. To me I feel like I am responsible for everything involving me and I am also responsible for everything revolving around me, because me being under their spell keeps them happy. The spell is not evil, but it sure seems selfish.
A lot of things I feel I won’t share, but those things needed to be said, so people will know where my head is at- one is in my pants and the other is being filled with confidence, but every now and then I fall sure. I still can dwindle in my pool of drowning low self-esteem. The control of capacity at my pity party had arrived at a major caution level. Immediately I did something I have never done in my past. I had summoned some help and I was God’s conspirator. He listen as I softly vented my inner most emotions and I had my feelings loosely gripped and I let it float on, as my thoughts dug a hole in my gut to release that disease from my soul I was locked up by. I was able to feel the chains unwrapped from ankles so I could walk away emotionally undamaged. I didn’t go to bed that night feeling alone and had company. I didn’t fall off to sleep feeling despaired, hopeless, fear with wondering of tomorrow. I hadn’t even given myself a chance to go to sleep yet and I am thinking about another day. I couldn’t possibly want to carry my same self pass go. I would have been like a surfer the moment a big wave came, WIPEOUT. What was left to do since it is no more drugs I could use for my trick and treat Cinerama? Have another conversation with God. This time I was thanking him for his giving.
Some times I can have a plan of the century and I don’t know where the energy come from to redirected me from it. After it is all said and done, surprising of the outcome, I see where I am no longer in control as I thought. I wonder most times if I am doing the right thing by procrastinating sometimes, because damn, if it all don’t fall into place most times. I guess that is what easy does it really mean. Don’t rush too destroy your life by not thinking or having the vision to see what you doing in the first place. I know sometimes I feel I am wasting my time thru the day by chatting with my friends, well a lot of other people think I am, I personally feel they are the unseen force of a new fellowship. They my extended family I can trust, feel comfortable with. To me those that judge don’t matter. Those that matter I don’t ever feel they are judging they and me know who they are. I feel comfortable knowing or feeling God has made this possible, because even when I was trying to commit my life to a graveyard they were there. One of them was there after I was captured like an animal, trapped in a dorm with a 100 different personalities, and numerous turnkeys trying to institutionize my mind to keep coming back there. I still thank that individual for never denying me the privilege to communicate with a no-recycled thinking human being secluded with 24-7. I am forever grateful to know I will always have individuals out there in a fraction of the 50 states, who have never touched, but I can feel love me unconditionally regardless of my past faults. I know I am doing what the program said lead by attraction not promotion, because I do my best to follow GOD instructions, Good Orderly Directions.
I feel so much better today not be known as 2253790, but as addict name Carlton, who is also known by at least one or more people in 50 states and the UK for a excellent graphic artist, who is open-minded, honest, and willing to be both without question. I am grateful I was able to over come a lot of my thought to be secrets. I fought to hide the fact I was trying to let my addiction bury me alive. I am grateful I am an addict, who will always be, and don’t have to practice being an addicted one. I am more grateful I learned how to read not between the lines, but be honest when I undercover to discover this process of importance, which is my recovery. Hell I don’t mind letting my soul get buck butterball naked when I share about who Carlton is. He’s an awesome person and always been. I guess if I wasn’t scared of him I would have been came clean, but God knew the pain I had cause wouldn’t have never gotten my soul cleanse, until I experienced some pain to desire his will and forgiveness to become more appreciative for his blessings. I will always love the way my life is being mole to be used as a model for newcomers that are coming in the door that was open for me as well. I will be the tutor teaching them by examples I catch on to. The elders were my tutors. Knowing that the teacher, the great one himself never lead none of us astray or abandoned us not once. I will be honor to do his will not mine as long as I am able to distinguish night from day. God I got your back, because you got me surrounded.
What I am shown today is a reprieve from my former soul. The deleted times I utilized with the getting and using only added up to make my motivation unqualified. It is no wonder why I seemed lost as a result of it. I was a disaster and wouldn’t even admit it to myself. Lost with no direction away from them corners, alleys, away from the baggy clothes wearing nameless hopeless souls claiming they can guarantee me something which equal to nothing and help me destroy everything. I was even visiting establishments in hopes to get that other mood-altering element that was issued by licensed providers, who didn’t have to convince it was legal. It was all-good as long as I didn’t let anyone of a enforcement society find me mis-using its appearance in public. I took that most times to another frame in my saga’s editorial trying to form another destiny for an unknown arrival. In the beginning it seem weird, but in all I wasn’t no stranger to something I was doing since I was a toddler. My insanity each time made me think I was going to feel something different that would tutor my emotions how to be someone different. I knew I would have the courage I was starving for. The attention I would surely get, because everybody loves a drunk the disease said. I was under the misconception I wasn’t a drunk though, so whatever they was off I would accept and I would make them welcome me. I wasn’t shy no more after so many ounces; I was quite the unliked person I noticed later in life. When I looked back I noticed and didn’t have to assume I didn’t like me. I really couldn’t have recognized how much of a substance abuser I was until I got in the rooms and heard phenomenal stories of me being told by others, who I never met. People who I had no idea was really telling how the disease effect all of us the same and affect all areas of life dramatically.
Newcomer don’t just step into the rooms to get your feet wet. I wetted my first once and it took me damn near 10 years to get dragged back to shore. If I had only lifted the anchor I had wrapped around my mind I would have not experienced so much self-inflicted trauma. People tell me all the time it wasn’t your time and I know they are right, because when I had the time to get the blessing of a moment of clarity, I didn’t know what to do with it then so I would have only been wetting my feet again. Shit I might have now have been drowning and refusing to break my fingers from the tight grip wrapped around my own will. I am self disciplined now because I know my fairy tale is not going to be a happily ever after ending, because being an addict is not going to always come with sweet beginnings and happy endings. There are going to be those bitter wishing it were sweet times ahead. I can’t say I’m ready for the tests that most of us believe are so painful. I know what is not going to make that pain go away giving that addiction parole Pain is pain no doubt, but if we compare the most evilest times to what we are going thru or going to get a turn to go thru we will have to admit to our selves, we sometimes can over dramatize things just so we can have something to bitch about. I have experience death while I was using and I buried my head into my addiction. This time around I have the knowledge not to use. I actually am not fearing the experience and nor do I welcome it, but what can I do about it? I am powerless over that, but I am empowered with my knowledge of I don’t have to use. I have been enriched with information to reach out immediately. I must pray, go to my meetings and let someone know, I am having a crisis’s I cannot handle by myself. I know my disease is going to rear its ugly face. I know the only thing the disease want is me to join the departed, so my life must go on without the use of a drink or drug.
I can’t just be talking about myself, because I hear everyday about someone going thru something. Newcomer – old-timer don’t test the waters. The light is always brightest in the rooms. Them epics don’t have to star you or myself, because in the rooms we get our chance to shine in a better light. The more we keep coming back and replaying our own story more will be revealed. We all are noticed for being who we are instead of who we were not. All the time we were trying to protect our disease with our alter ego. I am responsible for my recovery and I can also be responsible for sharing my efforts to keep walking strong while recovering. I don’t need no seconds, thirds, or any other chance to become a volunteer to victimize others and myself. My resume’ states I am a trained technician in the field of stupidity. Just for today my choice is to mind my business, which is my recovery. I don’t have to measure my or anyone else’s recovery. All I have to do is follow the traditions and remember recovery is my theme. The joy my spirit feel is my confirmation I am doing God’s will not mine. Not once will I have doubts about my faith limiting my blessings. I can’t believe in someone that I can see more then the spirit I can’t.
The process of my life is beautiful. I am learning how to be happy. Thru trial and error I am beginning to learning what acceptance really is. Discovering who accepts me really don’t matter any more or less, because I know who won’t deny me. It is a ultimate force that is greater then any human being. This force has done for me thru people who don’t have an idea it is not of their doing. The Higher Power don’t need their permission to use them to give me a blessing thru them. The knowledge I have to appreciate less is probably the way the HP is humbling me. He won’t allow me to bear no more then I can handle. I had more then I could think of and I fucked up. This time around I am following the advice written in the basic text “easy does it.” Talk about being over joyed to be committed to something, a place, and a society that is not governed by man, but thru God sharing his grace and mercy with addicts around the world is priceless. Every addict earned a seat in the rooms to learn how to live again. So when certain members talk about me they are really providing me with a test that I must first understand, even if I don’t want to accept it. I must pray for the guidance to remain strong, because it shall past. Their character defect isn’t my problem to solve. It is a situation to ask for guidance to resolve. I could be suffering from the same acute defect. Through them they may be helping me to recognize I must change myself, because I am powerless over them. My God have a funny way of showing me stuff or seeing if I am worthy of his fruits.
I am thankful for all the credits the program have to offer and those credits are of those who are walking the same path, at different strives, and most of all with the 12-step motivation process. This process gives me goose bumps it is so awesome. I am just a part of a growing society that needs me and I can’t survive without it. This is certainly a thanksgiving time I am glad I was able to share not just about my accomplishments, but my commitment to remain clean and serene no matter what.
