Closing in on 4 months
Addict name Carlton. I am today’s entertainment and you have the pleasure of viewing someone who been somewhere to discover he actually wasn't anywhere, but was steady focusing on going nowhere, till all of a sudden something amazing happen. The running I was doing later slowed to a 12-step process. One where learning to change direction passing some of the same people I was moving with in the beginning didn’t affect his process as much as he put emphasis on, when he passed them going in the other direction. Here is a man, who thought he was the human-net, just like the Internet, he thought he was the answer, move over Iverson. No more talking and not trying to listen or heard and never hear anything. Today’s lesson and it is not just for today to take for grant, but to take advantage of, take that chore boy out your ears and put it in your mouth. For those of you who need me to write for you to manifest or write slower it simply mean, the reason for having two ears and one mouth, is listen twice as much as you talk. The same for the two eyes, whether they crossed or cock-eyed, see what you need with one and see away with the rest with the other.
I experienced my first real experience at a convention and it wasn’t just the convention itself. I am glad I didn’t pay for the damage my feelings were stabbed by. I need to back up and identify how it all started. I really was out of order and I must make a verbal amends with the Free State Region for committing a fraud and I would do so for many of us still new comers, with less then 6 months, who didn't have the funds to have fun and learn some valuable shit. We recovering and trying to recover some of that free information and we did what we had to do. Hell we still addicts and now our drug is the information we want and won’t be denied getting. I was 51 days over the limit of 60 day requirement. This was one of many of times I failed to shared my honestly which I want and try to practice on a minute by minute bases, but for this particular moment I needed that gravy on my mash potatoes, because I was starving along with my pockets, so I went to addict means to get accepted in. I am not proud of what I did, but it had to be done. I know a lot of us was feeling the same way, but it is not about them, this is just for me. I did what felt I needed to do now I am confessing and trying to bring some balance order back to my life. God played along with me just to find out how serious I was about my recovery. I believe he wanted to see if I was paying attention to the message or the messenger. I think I passed but not before I realize I was under siege.
I really didn’t know how I was supposed to feel and I went with the flow. Sometimes I was very unhappy; I guess I was experiencing one of my moral or character defects digging into my emotions. I wanted to hang some garlic around my neck to ward off some of these ill feelings and moods gunning for my matrix reacting spirit. I felt if I wasn’t Neil or the chosen one I would have been willing to chose to further kill myself. Instead I stuck and stayed looking at the gold and platinum looking members that approached me glad I was still hanging on to God’s will and I have to admit I was sterling, with a slight tarnish from earlier events. To me my recovery is a job not a bill, I don’t owe anyone anything, instead I must live up to the creator's expectations and grow to show how grateful I am trying to grow to be and build on daily.
Now this is when shit hitting the fan will do only one of two things, blow on you or over your head. You determine the effect by your actions. I am just sharing my story, but I know if someone caught the ripple effect I hope you brush that shit off, because it is not as bad as it seem. I went thru what someone told me was just a mis-understanding. I failed to miss something I should stand under and look up at it like it is a higher up like God? Maybe they were right it is far above or over my head and it definitely isn’t something I want to use as a tool for my recovery. Or could it be? Now if you look at it the way I let the disease try to convince me to act out and jump to conclusion and know it had shit to do with your recovery. Instead I let the disease poison my mind, but being in the mental shape I was in I didn’t allow it to convince me who was right, because I didn’t want to be wrong. In hindsight I knew I was wrong, because if my eyes were playing a trick on me, then I was the one that treated them to the idea it was good for the goose so shared it with Carlton. I taught people how to treat me. I exercised a lot of cheating, lying, cunning, hideous, and baffling shit for people to accept and fight with the idea of trusting me. Ask me if I cared, I didn’t, but when shit happens and you can’t figure out whether you want head or tails to be the choice of your acceptance then what? If you anything like me don’t ever forget what was instilled in your ass. You know a few tools in the shed are not as sharp as others, but use them anyway. See my process of pray, go a meeting and don’t pick up was crucial in making the right decision. It seems like if I venture back where the meeting was and it was located steps from the situation and it had nothing to do with 12-steps either. I feared, I might make a pit stop and never make it to the convention, where the meetings were. I knew I would have been locked up in recovery praying for someone to bail me out. Talk about having a nickname called patience, because I remember people in the meetings said, more would be revealed. I am one of those folks that don’t look for what the mouth will say, especially since I read eve got tricked by the serpent, which talked and they should have killed it. And that bitch turned around and treated Adam to her forbidden fruit. So I look for what people can’t say their actions. I won’t go into how fast more shit got revealed, but it wasn’t even 48 hours of clarity tried to restore my insanity.
But thru it all the recovery training and willingness kicked in and my process which was rattled a little and disrupted my peace. I also must share I have a blemish on my record. I had a brief conversation that did go to accusing in a round about way, but after I was able to release that short burst of anger the situation blew thru like a pity shower. It wasn’t even on the same level of a storm, because inconsideration don’t have a support group member called Carlton. It has a lot of members I know, but guess what they live by their own merits and I can’t let them silly rabbits feel I am one of them tricks or the kids. And no I am not running to my honeycomb hide out that was the old me. I faced the situation like an adult and never let them see me sweat, which would had been interpreted as being mad, jealous or scared. Shit I accepted that shit better then I thought and only because I gave out a lot of acceptance tickets for people to feel my pain. Today nothing physically is different about me, but mentally I am not thinking like my shoe size, letting something tell me I should be hurt by what I was just so suppose to see. How far or wide is the path on my trustworthiness road? Stick around and more will be revealed. Or should I say less space will be seen the more you claim nothing happened. So if you going to try to convince people it is raining and sell them an umbrella, make sure it is rain and not piss, because people get tired of cleaning up the same shit. Switch it up sometime I can accept bullshit to although I might not like it. If you are not so literate stop fucking with peoples mind and nothing won’t seem so hard in your life. And I am just speaking about me.
I am so happy I been going to the gym. Thru the process I know my recovery is going to get a workout. In the gym I attend it got all the right equipment it take to get the strength needed to be well conditioned, physically, mentally, and consciously for when you get backed into the corner and witnessing coming out clean is going to be a hell of a fight. I am definitely training daily so I will be prepared for it. I understand practice don’t always make prefect, because if you have to practice going thru the situation then what happens, if your behind haven’t trained well enough? I guess I don’t want to be one of them people picking up a one-day key or too ashamed to come back, so I don’t practice I play the game to the tee of recovery. I do my push-up in the books and remember when I am not in meetings, refresh my mind with the messenger’s support. This helps me to fight a disease that isn’t doing push ups outside waiting for me to slip up. It is pushing up on my ass 24-7 anywhere, even in my sleep. It is constantly trying to wear me down waiting for a slip up. It won’t go easy on me by beating down enough so I can be looking for a standing eight count or rise up by the count of ten. It is trying to take me out if allow my lack of sense I better be exercising inside out is a delicate part of my progress. I don’t doubt the disease is stronger then me, but with the information guess who won’t fall victim as long as I don’t volunteer to buy one of them tickets they aren’t even selling.
When I was at the convention I heard the main speaker quote quite a few things down to the period of my belief and I shared with people about on quite a few occasions. I knew no other way but to look at my gains and losses as doing math, because I subtracted my existence from a normal life. My addiction and obsessions multiplied easily with my assistance and lack of battling. I divided my morals, self-respect, dignity, integrity and values to the lowest dominator. In the end, I knew I ADDED up to nothing. Oh but what a tangle web I weaved till it started choking the shit out me and forced me to surrender. In my mind you didn’t have to say Stop The Fight, because I wasn’t even swinging. I was getting swung around, hung out to dry, and on sight it was like look what the wind blew in, because I was weighing close to 120 pounds maybe less, with identification in my pocket. The identification made me look like I was committing a fraud, because I was far way looking nothing like the individual on that picture. My last picture I took with my new name, 2253790 looked more like me. My face was disappearing. My cheeks on my face was touching with a Flintstone bone protruding at bone sides, so you know my cheek was now a bone with skin over it. My ass cheeks didn’t have enough meat to hide my tailbone. If it wasn’t for bones, skin, and organs I wouldn’t have weighed shit. I was filling in keyhole with my finger. I might, as well I didn’t own a key to nowhere. Just for today I will not take that lesson for granted. I will continue to realize I came a long ways, but I still have farther to go, because this road never ends. As long as I am an addict everyday will have to be a better day as long as I don’t use. Since drugs is not going to always be my issue, I have to remain mindful I can’t use people, places, or things to substitute for a feelings my addiction starves for, due to my obsessed and compulsive traits.
I heard some of the thing's I heard in the rooms seem foreign in this new way of life, but thru it all it is not the language that is foreign or I am made to believe. It is me not being use to it. Their are customs that don’t include using anything that in the beginning I didn’t like, but I used anyway. After doing so to be accepted I accepted the feelings it shared with me. Some people I never like I used. I was attracted by what they had and offered. I used them even when they had nothing to offer, because I knew there were no consequences or repercussions available. I grew accustom to forfeiting my vision on reality, talk about a culture shock being taught to open your eyes about what recovery can do that using couldn't. My applications forced me to lose now I was being trained I don't have to stay lost either. I recognized instantly the moment clarity was restored I had nothing that was valuable to me but my mind and it was in serious jeopardy if I was easily convinced by the disease recovery wasn’t the answer. Back in the days of my first time of getting a sponsor, I had to do it ass backwards of course. Instead I am looking at the ass instead of the door to get in the rooms to learn about recovery. To me her big butt and a smile was worth me being clean, until she forced me to clean up my act and try to recover on my own. When she dumped my feeling at the foot of bed and ordered me to journey down the road by myself with out a clue of what I was going to recover from. God stepped in immediately. I didn’t know he was their carrying across the sands and thru the bottom of the ocean, because I failed to recognize without him it would be no divine order I could single handedly restore, if I wasn’t willing to let God. I managed to obtain a thought to be impossible feat, but like my nature of being mentally and spiritually clumsy trial and error person, later on I tripped over my accomplishment of getting two years clean and thought I could conquer the world and use now. This process I made look as if I was locked up and when it was all over with I was going to get my commissary and celebrate like a rock star, I should had said a dumb one more like. I defeated my own purpose July 5th 1999 by taking my will and God for granted.
My list of likes today is whole lot different then what I thought I liked. I can’t seem to find the old blue prints that describe how, what, where, who, and why I like certain things. Wow what a difference reality looked like after a 12 and 12 member explained to me, I will be learning who I am when I begin my steps. More was revealed after I learned new shit is not a coincidence. It is the same common things, but new ability to me; I ignored and failed to use when I was trapped and holding myself hostage. I knew when I was using what I liked, because it was all I was subjected to. More likely I knew what my money was going to be spent on, the time it was going to happen, and with whom I wanted in my company. The things that use to be fun for me were pushed to the side, because I couldn’t do that and get high at the same time. My high was much more expensive and I couldn’t get that feeling that feed my emotions with just anything. I noticed this when after having fun was miserable, because I didn't have enough money to enjoy my desires to cap the night off. And this new fun could be found on corner, alleys, and storefronts most times sold buy people wearing the latest styles and very baggy jeans, not to mention limited English skills. If I was lucky mathematic skills also and then I would always look for them with shorts.
I even figured out I picked my woman by what I enjoyed them doing to me, not looking at the fact shit is always sweet in the beginning and then I got to figure out step by step how to deal with the reality I later get exposed to. If she wasn’t wearing what I like, feet didn’t look like I wanted, she didn’t think, sound, or look the way I like she had a problem. If I just happen to allow her to make my acquaints I had to transform her to my standards. I was thrilled then. I got the privilege of directing her how to be with me. I knew she would not care if my love stood for her legs opened very easily. I preyed on the ones I thought was below and beyond in the opposite direction of being smart. Time changes everybody and the 12-steps make the adjustment understanding and acceptable. I am a prime example by what I wrote I can’t fit my own self in the new me. I am under attack by my choice of women. I have to change my obsession about my choices of what I see her looking like is what I a must have and not what I must get to know about her and then build on that. I want them slut looking appears, because it don’t matter what she think or don’t think before she say anything, all I was willing to listen for was what we doing, where at, and don’t stop!!! I based my life on who was willing for me to venture where other men have been before. I don’t know these people, but to her we all friends. Now I am a static she not willing to share what number I am. It shouldn’t be my concern who was stretching out the taffy, as long as I made her chime my name follow by go deeper was all that should matter. At the same time she would coo in my ears, you the only one. This bitch really thinks my head pops on and off, but I don't have a problem with her as long as I am that while we eye to eye of course. I know about her lack of education, maybe not sexual education, but as long as her pussy and head game does most of the talking I was alright. I was turned on like gas and electric switches when she started stroking and pumping up my ego. My emotions told me by her omissions my pipe is good for any woman, especially if she look at me hard enough. If she winks, I will follow her ass into a moat filled with alligators, which haven’t ate for weeks. Today I am controlling my destiny better then yesterdays ago. When I turn women down it is not easy as turning down my collar. I struggle with my transformation and I like it. I know one peek at the wrong pretty set of toes in them peek-a-boo stilettos, with the mountain road curves that would make you dizzy from a peek. And I know how I want to touch them, the Mac lips accompanying those bed room eyes trying to put me to sleep. Only to wake up from my daydream to keep witnessing this cover girl made up willing to go. Woo and a soft voice send chills up my staff, especially when she reply, “Ok, we go”. Cancel the trip to Vegas, because I think I just hit the jackpot. I can cash in my recovery, because I was addicted to what I see and wanna fuck long before I was addicted to drugs. When I first started using I made up in my mind the drugs and pussy went hand and hand. Any chick I thought was emotionally and physically addicted to tricks and treats became my responsibility to do whatever to get her to perform for me. I did whatever to make her my company to get high with. I was willing and sometimes able to get the best of both worlds, if she was willing and of my standards to do something STRANGE for some CHANGE or a hit. I am not ashamed to say I am afraid of myself with pussy, because I know I can be the most ruthless and cunning individual who has no mercy on volunteers. It isn’t a game when you want to play Russian roulette with my gun.
