94 days, wow.
Addict name Carlton again, and again, and yet again. I am like the disease I won’t ever stop. Stop what? I won’t stop staying clean as long as my days end the same way they started clean. Fuck all the bullshit that surrounds my soul casting judgment trying to reduce my faith, which is exactly what people never pay attention to, my faith. Sum resides around me in meetings day in and out trying show me how to wake and go to sleep clean. But since they are so busy trying to analyze who the fuck I am, they haven’t a clue I been cut my grass low, so I can see them long before they slither up trying to attack me with their cross sharing (trying to put a person down while they sharing). Why don’t they pay attention to whom I don’t act like, there fuckin self! What work for you did the program suggest do? It said, do whatever you do to stay clean, if it works. And it sure didn’t say mimic a mother fucker’s character, especially, those that carry that using mentality to maintain their cleansing methods. I don’t feel comfort just being clean and not trying to recover. Two entirely different things I hope or are they? Before I listen to people, I let my fingers do the walking thru a basic text, because I don’t need no temporary sponsor, who is still following the directions of their disease, either with or without a drug. I was personally, told by an old timer, they manipulate people stories, especially when they share and the basic text, so it sounds good themselves. Then they go on attack when they cross share trying to when the over those in the rooms. The rooms are their playground or arena to test out what disease ordered and they obeyed. And us new comers don’t know we volunteer to become victims when we demonstrate willingness, open mindedness, and honesty. We are so gun-ho on they got what we think they have and we need it. I’ll gladly take their time, but they can keep the concocted bullshit they passing off as Basic Text copy- right literature. Now I’m in the rooms and I am still getting burnt, only difference they using mis-informed information.
People who are responsible for the make up of home groups resemble society outside the rooms; clean living dirty, just that fucked up! The reason why I am caring about another person’s recovery, because they trying to bash my attempts just to make their invisible to the program makers eyes. I had better uncover in order to recover, or I might decide to shop around for one, and get my face covered, with that white sheet. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand what I am saying.
We maybe in a program that practice being abstinent from all drugs, but we still have people that still use and drugs is not the product in demand. They use people, places and things to benefit themselves for social enhanced enjoyment to fill their voids. Meaning, miserable motherfuckers are equipped with their applications disguising it as invitations to attend their pity parties. They use their same obsessions with a touch of compulsion depending how far they willing to take it or someone allowing them to be taken to attack at will. Then you got those that pretend misery is never option, all the while they trying to recruit members and then they claim they have no harmful motives. Lets not forget those who can’t remain in their own business, if it killed them. They twist, unravel, rewinds stories and manipulate them so they sound good for their enjoyment. Worst part is when they play it back the major parts have been chopped and screwed into something harsh or elevated beyond its capacity of painstaking. Not one is safe from a pained up individual who can’t divide common and learned sense. The negative shit they taught or been feed they believe it absolutely normal to hand feel new comers. I guess this is the way they feel more powerful over a person and their disease. Never once does it occur to them they one puff, pinch, or snip from being a new comer themselves. I heard the same demise you plot for someone is your own grave to bury your clean time in. Those who claim he or she are walking on water. And I am not talking about when it rain. I guarantee you they probably couldn’t admit to the group, if they were to ever relapse. I bet they wouldn’t be able to do it with someone else’s tongue.
I have been a participant of these foolish acts going on for sometime now. Through it all I just don’t use and won’t reframe myself to participating in there sit on the front row, don’t share until you got a year, cause if you want to know where to cop you will ask me, bullshit. Times have change grow with them or do like the dinosaurs become extinct. Oh and don’t ask me about copping. True be told, whom is to say one more might not be in your story today. There is no need Masking up trying to hide the fact you already got one. Just ask me how it was the last time I had it 94 days ago!!!
12-step guru’s, as they want to be recognized, basic text worms, or step makers, get a life and stop fucking with us new comers. We know what it feels like to get one more so the pain is fresher in our mind then yours. What you forgetting yours or are we taking away from when you use to be the most important person. You know what to do to get that status, so don’t try to chase us back out the fuckin door. The strong survive and the weak fade away. I know which one I am, which one you want to be?. I would rather be given the information freely. I am not trying to steal nothing, especially the 411. When I steal shit, I don’t normally keep it for long, so I am definitely not trying to steal nothing involving my recovery. Basically, the attitude of acceptance is not understood or followed with sincerity when the serenity prayer is recited. I don’t think God will give anyone the power to Change a new comers mind, to jump back in the pit with the wolves. Unless they made reservations and you was the perfect excuse. It don’t make the price of Gas and cirgarette right, so you play some part in that wrong piece. Double D’s watch how you choose whom to be baffling, and cunning with, because the disease, you know is tricky to. It might make you jump first and find the one you walk to the edge waiting for you trying to help you get out. See how it feels to have the fur torn off your ass. Then you can go back to what you was use suggest us new comers should do, since you did it your first time around sum-teen years ago, sit on the front row and don’t share your experience, strengths, and hope for a whole year.
I know a lot of people think this is an old timer vs. newcomer situation; no this is not any Willie Lynch Shit. I would rather make hearts be mindful mine beat just like yours. And what you have I want it to and it is enough time to go around. No one is trying to steal your shine. Hell you suppose to mean welcome and not be like some big bad wolf and think we red riding hood. To bad they got that identity crisis going on, because they still fail to realize they are still sicken without a use of a drug. I am asking God, to help them to realize this is serious, not a game and if they have to address their own mailman about where to deliver their misery. Keep that shit out the rooms or better yet play them games with other double D members. Lets see what they come away. I guarantee you hurt feelings won’t be just the minimum. No I am not telling you how to help me, I would rather you try not to disguise your pain and force me to accept it is my story.
