So I was thinking about what was said about my blog about my wall I have built up and have thought extensively about it . . . More than I care to anyway. I do understand that the wall is possibly keeping out the right man - but to let the right man in that means letting the wrong ones in too. I sound pathetic and I am too damn well aware of that trust me - I don’t like feeling vulnerable - but how do you change something that you have been for so fucking long?
It is not as if I can just wake up tomorrow and say “ok today is the day that I let someone really get to know the real me.” If it were that simple don’t you think I would have done that before now? But, perhaps it is that I haven’t found that one to make me want to open up? Of course doing that also means trusting someone and good lord y’all have no idea how hard that is for me. I am used to be me, it’s not as if I am lying to people about who I am - just not letting the see the “fragile” side of me is all. Why do they need to see that anyway? Why do they need exactly how to hurt me?
Would someone care to explain this to me? Explain to me how I can trust someone enough let them see “me” and not freak the hell out about it?! Explain to me how to be “me” without shutting down and becoming speechless when something hits me a little too close?! Explain to me how to let go of all the laughing and joking and let “me” show through?! Explain to me how to be whole?! I am officially lost and confused when it comes to all of this - which is a reason to just forget all of it and walk away from everything. I have never done that before though - I have never walked away - I have always forced others to walk away - so I’m not sure I want to start walking away now.
I want to change I really do. I want to be a whole person that can be more than just existing. I do want to be happy and with someone - but have been conditioned to believe that will never happen. It’s easier to sabotage life than to live it I guess. I am ready to start living an actual life - just need to find some help along the way. Maybe this is the sign I have been waiting for - letting me know it’s time to change and move forward. Hmmm, now I have something else to ponder dammit. Well ya know what that means - another damn emotional blog - lol.
