80 for 80
Addict name Carlton. 80 for 80 mean 80 days clean and serene. 80 days in a row I thank God for obtaining. At this point in my life I am able to see how many people really didn’t trust me or my word. When i was using my word was the only thing I had left, I was trying to keep that neat. The worst part of sticking to my word was when money was owed out. Back in the day, if I said I would pay a person back, it normally was the local dealer. An ordinary person might have gotten ducked out, but TODAY, I comply with my promises. Sometimes I don’t want to, but I’m held more accountable. People think since I’m not chasing, I’m not going to turn up missing, if I am about what I say I am. Some of my associates might look at the less money I have in pocket the lesser I should to be tempted. When I owe them they are on my heels, my door steps waiting, or be my shadow on pay day. I have to smile, because most of them characters, I won’t mention no names, but I see they haven’t got over or addressed their own money issues. I know when a nigga ain’t use to have nothing they get money hungry, busy adding up the money u owe them before I even get it myself. I guess using or practicing trained me to live with nothing, especially money. Now days I might not have money, but I learned how to be happy. I can suffer from empty pockets as long as my stomach is not empty I am alright. But what I am saying is I run into individuals that believe just because I have a dollar I am doing great. I don’t even get mad at them, but I pay attention to them. Their behavior may seem harmless, but how do I know they don’t have other motive? I keep that picture up front to keep me on my toes, yes; just because they clean some still have addicted behavior traits. Today, I not only say no to drugs, people are included on that short list also. I had to identify who is an addict and what made me an addict, compulsive and obsessive thinking. Hell, if I am going to do the same things looking for different results. Just for today that area of my life is slowing being arrested. And no I am not talking about myself doing the asking, I’m talking about not volunteering to be a victim. Now I pay attention to those usual Suspects. I must stop trying to make up for some shit I am not responsible for now, I am an addict not addicted. I had to realize, if I offer anything without being asked, I am going to be held to it. I aware of what part I play in the process, so I must learn to stop opening my mouth and let my tongue do it’s own will.
I really hate women. Hate is a strong word, but I really hate them for who they fail to realize they are and where they came from. Stop acting like you living dirty. They sometimes forget they got principles in life even if they haven’t done their step work yet. Here is the hit, stop using the “easy does it” cliché, it look like you make it an excuse. If you call yourself moving out the way and letting God, then like the serenity pray say know the difference. And I am not talking about myself, but those who claim this and that and I have to be their venting machine processor, not answering a machine. I said to myself I can hear, listen, and it doesn’t require me to answer questions not asked. When I answer questions not asked, it might not seem like a suggestion. The disease tells people they orders. I have control issues and I can’t even control the shit going on in my head, I should be mindful of what I say. People, like me fear being controlled by an addict. It don’t even have to be an addict, it could be anyone. Let me keep it real, I’m talking me, Carlton. If I say something it is going to get twisted like a Rubik’s cube and immediately I’m trying to control something. Who he think he is didn’t he get high like me, didn’t he do some foolish shit, don’t he know he exposed and constantly is exposing him? I don’t need to talk about myself; I got too many people doing it for me. My character been assassinated, I am stubborn I won’t bury it yet. When God says I’m the first piece of shit he made name Carlton, then I might feel unworthy. I know how to hold my head high and laugh at what a mother fucker say. I will be damn, if I will allow that mother fucker to see me crying about what they said that fucks with me. If It didn’t I wouldn’t be writing this shit. I am talking about me, because my feelings can be shredded. Thank God for recovery tools. I learned, eat that shit up and grow from it. I have to admit, when I know I’m the center of that bitch ass ying yang, I really feel they are praising me, because of the recovery program and who I let in my circle. Getting mad at someone with that backward ass wrong shit they reporting can’t stop my recovery. Since they paying so much attention to me in the meeting, do they understand how much control the disease still have on their dumb asses? It is oblivious they not worrying about their own recovery. Don’t thank me for relapse. I will do my best to be there upon returning when they get their ass kicked out on them streets again! I was told relapse don’t have to be apart of your story. I know one of the tools I use to not become a victim is stay out of people business for 6 months and stay minding mine for the other 6. And I can’t forget pray, go to meetings, don’t pick, I got my home groups, along with an excellent sponsor and soon I will be guided thru my step work. Don’t think I am just hanging around to stay clean. I’m addict to my recovery.
I use to hate the hell out them motherfuckers and try to avoid them, but what the hell am I running for? Then I tried to relay messages on the slide, hoping to flush them out their hole like a rat, because I want to burn them up like crack in a pipe. I don’t really want to act out like a child. I know and today I am suppose to be a model ex-activated addict learning about recovery. I am not afraid to talk about me; I still got some old feelings I have to put away, because they don’t fit into my processing of mature recovery.
The basic text says “I can’t change over night so easy does it”. Just for today the things I noticed and been told is not acceptable behavior I examine constantly. I’m look at ways to avoid that erratic behavior. I wasted too much time with my life already. I don’t want to dwell on mutha fucka’s with their secret resentments against me. Then the disease said, yeah it talks to me everyday, “You look good. They want you.” Sometimes I can’t get all the credit to my insane defect, because they painted this pretty picture for me to stare at. The disease steady boosting up my confidence, hoping I eat what it is serving, so I can make a fool of myself. “They pissed off they didn’t catch you before you stopped using.” My disease knows I would have twisted their door knob 80 some days ago. All of a sudden the recovering side yelled out, “They don’t deserve a turn now, so keep it moving. Let them keep spreading their hate around like business cards. Be happy your face is on their mind and not between their legs.” Now a days I have to watch where I strip down and who I give a turn to, because niggas and bitches are trying to send a nigga like me, a certified male whore (only for the women), back to school to re-learn some of their alphabet HIV.
