Snake Skinner AKA Motordromerider's blog: "JOKES 5"

 SATURDAY'S JOKES

                                 If Microsoft Was Looking for Drivers

 
 If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                                                                 Rules For Work

 1.  Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2.  If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going.  That helps.  Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.  It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5.  If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority.  I am psychic.

6.  Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.  I have no life beyond work.

7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8.  If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be popular in conversations.  I was born to be whipped.

9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing me with useful information.

10.  Never introduce me to the people you're with.  I have no right to know anything.  In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.  When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11.  Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12.  Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.  I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check youreceived for being such a good manager.

13.  Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

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                                         Dr. Doctor 

 Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." 
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." 
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again. 
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives." 
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds" 
"Analysis and Anal Cysts" 
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes" 
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council: 
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

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              Why I Am So Tired  

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. 
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes. 

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                                          MONDAY'S JOKES

 
                                    Step Back, I Know First-Aid

 When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
 The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                   From the WordPerfect Help Desk

  This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the wordswent away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on thescreen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything Itype."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like aTV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where thepower cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it'splugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that therewere two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and findthe other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely intothe back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean wayover?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it'sbecause it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have iscoming in  from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now.Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

 "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up justlike it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."                                         ****************************************************************************************************
                                          TUESDAY'S JOKES
                                            Compliment

 A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
 I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
 His wife said, 'Thank you.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                            Big Boss Man

 When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. 

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." 
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. 
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit! 
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.