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                                         SATURDAY'S JOKES


                                             Dictaphone

  A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?" 
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else." 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                        Bill Gates' Honeymoon

  After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft. 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                           Priestly Duties

  One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work. 
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?'' 
''No, I guess not,'' says God. 
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. 
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?'' 
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

 *******************************************************************************************************                                         SUNDAY'S JOKES


                                            Dirty Tricks

  A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. 
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going. 
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked. 
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                                                                        Prison Carpenter

  Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. 
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. 
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.'' 

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                                          MONDAY'S JOKES


                                          The Hired Help

  An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.
The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you. 
The gay guy said, Okay.
So she said, Take my shoes off, so he did. 
She said, Take my stockings off, so he did. 
Then she said, Take my dress off, and he did. 
She said, Take my bra off, so he did.
Then she said, Take my panties off, so he did. 
Finally, she said, You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired.

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                                      How To Sell Lawnmowers

     A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to thecounter.
    The customer put a bag ofgrass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plantthose seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut thatgrass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sureI'll take one."
    After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman thensaid, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."
    The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said,"It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"                                   ****************************************************************************************************
                                          TUESDAY'S JOKES


                                           Mountain Bike

  A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike." 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                        How to Sell a Bible

  Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment. 
So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?" 
The boy stood up and said, "35." 
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked. 
"He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied. 
He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impedement said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them''' 
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                                         WEDNESDAY'S JOKES


                          People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize

  1. Britney Spears & EminemWho, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.
2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
3. America''s Oil CompaniesFor a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.
4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel SharonFor those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.
5. Bill GatesFor creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.
6. The Editors of MaximFor managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models. 
7. JaredOf the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.
8. Jennifer LopezWho, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.
9. That 300 Pound GuyWho always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.
10. GlaxoWho has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces. 
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                                       Understanding Marketing

 You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing. 

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising. 

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing. 

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations. 

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition. 

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