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                                                                               WEDNESDAY'S JOKES


                                                                                  Japanese business

  Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is your last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!" 

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                                          Selling War insurance

  Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first? ****************************************************************************************************
                                          THURSDAY'S JOKE


                                        Lost in Translation

 
 The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."  ****************************************************************************************************
                                          FRIDAY'S JOKES


                                         Funny Store Signs 


1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

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                                         Fourth Husband

  A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."  ****************************************************************************************************
                                         SATURDAY'S JOKES


                                  10 responses to telemarketers

 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed forbankruptcy and you could sure use some money.


2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm soglad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and Ihave all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashesare sore, my dog just died . . . "


3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them tospell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Thenask them where it is located, how long it has been in business,how many people work there, how they got into this line of workif they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continueasking them personal questions or questions about their companyfor as long as necessary.


4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my nameis Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second andwith a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"


5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, howhave you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few briefmoments of terror as she tries to figure out where she couldknow you from.


6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of eachone, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying tospeak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.


7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family andFriends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don'thave any friends, would you be my friend?"


8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"


9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or herto marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that youcan't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.


10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company,and they can't sell to employees. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                        Boss in Trouble

  The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, Iknow we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expectyou to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as youplease around here ?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,...."My lawyer."

 ****************************************************************************************************
                                        SUNDAY'S JOKES


                                          New Rules

  Dear Employee:


As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.


This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.


SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.


SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).


Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.


If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).


As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.


Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.


Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

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                                   AND A SPECIAL ONE FOR THE LADIES


                                           Female Comebacks 


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.


Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.


Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.


Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.


Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.


Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.


Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.


Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.


Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?  

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