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                                          TUESDAY'S JOKE


                                         The Proxy Father

  The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon." 
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....'' 
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in. 
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'' 
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. 
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'' 
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'' 
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'' 
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith. 
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'' 
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'' ''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. 
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. 
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith. 
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'' 
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. 
''Yes,'' the photographer said. 
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?'' 
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'' 
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. 
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!'' 
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                                  WEDNESDAY'S JOKE


                                      If _____ Made Toasters

  If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. 
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. 
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. 
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. 
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. 
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. 
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. 
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. 
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. 
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. 
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box. 
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. 
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier. 
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                                         THURSDAY'S JOKES


                                       Microsoft in Detroit?

  At a recent computer expo (COMDE), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on theroad you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just acceptthis, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you wouldhave to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought"Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times asfast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, whichwould make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "generalcar fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

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                                       Wanted: Dead Or Alive

  An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one." 

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