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MONDAY'S JOKES
Too Lazy
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?" Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.
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Final Day
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." **********************************************************************************
TUESDAY'S JOKES
The New Guy
The new hire calls in sick on Monday. And then the next Monday. And then the Monday after that.
His boss calls him into his office. “Do you plan on being sick every Monday? What the hell is going on?
The guy explains that every Monday he has to drop off his kids at his sisters house. She always gives him a cup of coffee. She sends the kids into the backyard. Her robe falls open revealing her luscious breasts. They spend the rest of the day making passionate love.
“That's sick, says the boss.
“Well, I told you I was sick, replies the new hire.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hair Smell
An office secretary stands by the water cooler taking a drink when a male co-worker stands in front of her and takes a deep long inhale and says, your hair smells great. The secretary says thank you and returns to her desk. This same situation occurs everyday for the next couple of weeks, so she finally makes a complaint to the office supervisor. She explains the situation and says she wants to file a report for sexual harassment. The supervisor says I know this has been annoying but how can you claim sexual harassment? She says it's Keith the midget that's doing this. *********************************************************************************
WEDNESDAY'S JOKES
Help Wanted
The Government is looking to hire a new assassin, someone who can kill anyone for any reason. They go through a interview process with many applicants and finally narrow it down to three individuals, two men and one woman. They bring in the first man and tell him what they are looking for. The man tells them that he thinks he can handle it so they slide a gun across the table and tell him, your wife is in the next room, go and kill her. The man says that he cant do it so they bring in the next man and they tell him the exact same thing. This man picks up the gun and walks into the next room, only to return a few seconds later and tells him that he just cant do it. They tell him that its ok, but he just wasn't what they were looking for. A little discouraged they bring in the last applicant. They tell the woman the same thing and slide a gun across the table. The woman takes the gun and quickly disappears into the next room. The interviewers had their doubts but were suprised to hear two gun shots. The gun shots were followed by what seemed to be a struggle, followed by two or three blunt slams. The woman returns to the room where the interviewers are confused by the noises. What happened in there? they ask. THe woman calmly replies........... that damn gun you gave me had blanks in it, so I had to beat him to death with the fucking chair.
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Somebody Important
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. 4 weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our Secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals asked the Others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool...! For 4 weeks we've been eating supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!
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THURSDAY'S JOKES
Writing's Powerful Message
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make themscream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bring Your Daughter to Work Day
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he hasjust taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with yoursecretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed hereyes when you laid her down on the couch."
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FRIDAY'S JOKES
Inventions by Idiots
1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ After Great Britain's Beer Festival...
After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.
The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please."
The bartender gives him one.
Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"
The Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
