Frayed Knot FM2 DRK's blog: "Woe is me"

Trying not to break down and cry. It has been a very hard winter. This foot of mine is hurt and hasn't healed and only seems to be making me sad. I am angry that it wasn't caught earlier. I think I am allowed to be angry about that. A torned ligament is pretty significant compared to sprain. Both take time to heal but ligaments are trickier. 

When I am low I don't want to talk or share my feelings. I want to close up shop and hide away until the storm blows through. 

The doctor wants me to immobilize back into the boot with crutches and be completely non-weight bearing. this is not something I wish to be after being forced to be weight bearing. I know they didnt know it was the wrong direction to push me in but fuck I hate cruthces!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

If you don't understand why this is bringing me down, you have most likely never lost the ability to stand or walk on your own two feet. LUCKY you! Be thankful for that!!

 

So this is all I have to say and I hope no one takes my silence personally. 

 

So here's the thing. We don't have to date long. Just buy me some flowers and spend the night with me and we can say goodbye.  But do buy me flowers that will die before my sheets are cold mmmmk.

 

Bitterness is a nasty pill to swallow. I don't want it. But I am sitting here explaining to my buddy why it is I am not going to be seeing someone I thought I was. Why do I need to explain someone else's actions or choices? FFS...I am so not in the mood for explanations when I know nothing. I know my job, my kids, myself, but as for anyone else I only know what I am allowed to know. I can assume...and I am probably dead on there..but it's not the same as knowing.

 

And seriously I know it's me. I don't need any advice or consolation. I am not interesting. I am extremely naive and incredibly easy. I am also fat. I am boring. Blah Blah Blah!

I will not stay bitter..it will pass quickly...but I might be a bit shitty or short for a while. I am not feeling spectacularly spunky.

But do feel free to lie to me :) It will get you anywhere you want to go.

 

OK pity party over..and don't stalk my page if you have nothing to say. I might just do something shitty like delete and block you for it. Who knows...I might not even like you. GRRRR.

Ok that's it! I am declaring myself incapable of dating anyone I choose for myself! So pay close attention all of you handsome devils...I don't want any part of you beyond laughter. You flirt, compliment me, say something naughty. I will be polite, I will laugh back..but in my head I will be thinking about anything but your handsomeness or your wicked ways. I am not angry. I am exhausted, and feeling very BLAH! If you gave me a room filled with 100 men. 95 of them decent hard working honest men, completely capable of having a healthy relationship, and 5 men who are incabable of having any type of healthy relationship due to any circumstance. Telling me to pick 5 men to get to know and see what comes of it...I'd pick the 5 who would never come to fruition. Why is that? I'm not stupid...but I feel stupid. I feel like a fool for bashing my head into the same wall at every turn. I wish I could remember what it was like to believe blindly and love like there was no tomorrow. I wish I could go back to the woman I was just 9 years ago who didn't want for anything but to raise her children and provide the best life for them she could. I am still that woman...but somewhere there is this gaping hole(and don't be crude..my mind is worse than yours could be) in my world that keeps sucking me in..making me feel incomplete...because there is no man beside me when i wake. Well fuck that nonsense. I obviously have shitty taste so I will be avoiding any intimacy like the plague. I may already care about you..I may be attracted to you..hell I might even love you. But it's not going to change how I feel at this very moment. I care deeply..my heart knows no bounds where my friends are concerned. And my friends aren't fucking numbered by importance goddamn fucking fubar to hell for that shit. This is a site I come to because I am lonely and like to be social. I am awkward as fuck out in public alone..and scared something terrible might happen if I do go out alone. Yes I have reasons for that, but no I won't share them. Basically I am just tired of having my head filled with dreams I can never achieve...feelings that can never be returned...and an overwhelming need to bitch slap someone for calling me BOOBIES! I want to be happy. I want to laugh. I want to hug all of my friends who know this isn't a fucking attack. I'm a frayed goddamn fucking knot! now..i'm getting drunk... :)

I am invisible...don't worry I don't expect you to notice I am around...it's not as if I don't allow everyone to see what I do so you wouldn't get alerts..you know I am really tired of it actually. Very tired indeed. Besides that mumms suck! I'm shutting off the shout box...bunch of half hearted convos in it anyhow. woe is me..later!

lol this isnt a pity party just wanted to vent...stupid marriage mumms make me GRRRRRR. Why is it that divorce is so the thing to do when things dont work out? And why do we say things we don't mean in our hearts. What good is a promise that isn't kept? blah i'm done...lol have a good night all

wow...this is the 5th pity party blog...I am such a dork 8-p this isn't totally a pity party...more of an epiphany..but my head is still up my ass so to speak...cuz otherwise that'd just be gross LOL I find myself all twisted up inside..over a silly man...there is no reason I should get all twisted. All indications are that I am retarded and putting emotional energy where it most likely is unwanted. So what the hell am I doing??? Who knows...its insanity most likely and perhaps I should seek help..LOL To understand why I do what I do it would take a damn novel to explain myself..and in that I would be as lost as anyone trying to follow it from start to end. I cannot start at the beginning...it all loops and turns and I never see it from beginning to end..more in the reverse kinda sorta..whatever I am confusing myself again. My non-friend boss told me something last night that kinda irked me...yes sometimes we have serious discussions...more to just get it out than anything..we dont like each other haha at all! but he says to me... "what you do is decide you want the unattainable, because you can't trust anyone with your love, and you are afraid to commit to anyone fully, so you sabotage yourself by choosing the one person most likely to fail you, so you aren't to blame, you become the victim, and therefore keep repeating the cycle and stay the victim." He isn't really as clever as this makes him appear..he cant even use the words for and so correctly in a sentence. but there may be some truth in this...and well fuck what am i doing? sharing yet more personal information than anyone really needs to know about me eh?!?!!! so as i sit here...smiling slightly..using this keyboard and blog as my venting tools..trying to get rid of my killer headache...most likely self induced...sigh I think what I need to do is just stop thinking so much about what it is i don't have..and just think about what i do....the silly man is important to me...i just have to figure out why. maybe i can figure it out before i finish driving myself completely insane... hahahahaha maybe :p it could be too late! LOL

"If I just lay here..would you lie with me..and just forget the world?" Ok woe is fuckin me! Here goes yet another rant from the woman in search of herself... I have hit a stumbling block..a slight obstacle in this path of mine. Communication..its a beautiful thing. I so wish to have an open exchange with the one person I want to make a place for in my world. There is a catch, and it is a major catch..I have no idea where I stand with this person. I am so out of my element here. I admit this with no shame. I have been so removed from any possible emotional entanglements that this is a bog I am finding myself in. I am trying to stay above the rapidly shifting ground i find myself in..and i can feel the forces weighing me down so that each step feels as if I have run a marathon to get to that point. I am not one to hold back, when a thought crosses my mind I follow it..and I have been known to say the craziest most unexpected things. It is one of my many flaws I am *a frayed* A little humor to keep me typing. So why is it that when I am at this place where I want to dive headlong into something that could risk the one thing I have protected this long, I am unable to voice the questions I have..get the answers I seek..and figure out what the next step to be taken will be? Fuck fuck fuck a duck...la la la la..a rambling I now go. I am scared. I do believe this is what it is. Still, the question raging in my brain is WHY? Like why am I scared..I know why I am scared..I have been interested in someone like this before..I have felt all of these crazy emotions before. Atleast twice :p But this time..there seems to be every indication these feelings of mine are misplaced. I can't explain that or I wouldn't be typing this. Simple to type but so hard to have inside my brain. I am in no hurry to have the illusion(s) dashed, but I am not enjoying the teetering on the fence either. I risk losing someone I feel is special if I push too hard for the answers..I know this. But I am 31 years old and I am far too old for any type of game. So I may not be so chatty with everyone I care about..and I may come off as slightly bitter or jaded until this is sorted out. So bear with me my friends..my head hurts..and my heart is not secure..emotions so unwanted and wanted tend to make me a bit off center when I don't have them compartmentalized. yet another of my many flaws. update: so i asked my question...i got no answer. game is over. :(

ok..ok..ok..you'll feel a little pin prick..there'll be no more ahhhhhh ahh ahh..but you may feel a little sick I would like to be comfortably numb right now. There is nothing worse than taking time to talk to someone that does not talk to you. I watch my page do nothing for hours my friends are busy with their lives or other friends and thats cool because lord knows I am guilty of the same. I don't flat out ignore, its rude. I have so much going on in my head right now and no one to talk to. I started this page and got all of my good friends(almost all) and hoped that it would make it simpler to keep in touch with them all. It does in a sense, but when they aren't around or are too busy what do you do? I don't like so much quiet...I really like to be busy..I need to be entertained as well as entertain..otherwise I have no social interaction. maybe I will just say goodnight and consider staying offline for a while. I don't like that idea...I really enjoy the visits I do manage to have during my day...but waiting for one is driving me crazy. Why does it bother me so? Well I am going to go say my good nights...answered or not..and I think I will call it a night. If you read this...thanks for your time. Chris the shoutbox died..I can't send out and am not receiving..kiss Bri and squeeze her tight so you get yours in return :) Denise..no wanking at work ;) night all

sometimes I know I am not the only person in the world. I know there are other people that are special to other people and its not all about me. But then sometimes when I really miss someone and I want to talk to them, and I am not even worth more than a hello I really want to cry. I know this is stupid, and I am being selfish. Its my turn dammit!! *stomps foot and pouts* So when I am sick I must be the whiniest bitch I know...and i am whining now. I want attention!!!! Make me forget I am sick. Or just straight out ignore me..I will go away. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! I hate being sick! and just so you know I know I am loved and liked and I love and like everyone back. This is my pity party and welcome to it :p

I have decided to whine in a blog as opposed to my friends, who do not need to be burdened with my moods. Each of these blogs are to be abbreviated PP followed by a roman numeral...standing for Pity Party. PPI... Without disclosing personal information I will sum up an event that has caused me some distress. Recently I had a very remarkable night, these nights do not come along very often for me, and it left me feeling wonderful and elated. I was as bubbly as I get and very excited that I was capable of feeling so much. It has been a worry of mine that perhaps I had become too numb. Now I wish I was numb, but I am skipping ahead. I was expecting a phone call...just a hello really, as it is way too early for anything serious, but I was really hoping it would come. I am not known for my patience and I decided to make that call happen and I dialed the number. No answer. No biggie, I would try back the next day if no response came. So I did this. One call per day for 4 days, then decided I must have done something wrong, said something wrong perhaps...maybe I was not appealing in some way...or perhaps his mind had changed..there is no end to my options on this...I will always find fault with myself because my ideal man couldn't be flawed in any way...I am picky..but perhaps I am picking wrong. whatever the case may be, I am extremely saddened that there is NO communication and all I have are my assumptions. Maybe there was nothing wrong whatsoever and I have jumped the gun in my impatience, but it matters little now. I sent a message saying bye. I deserve so much more than i settle for. I know this and it is time for me to say so. But what gets me down is this one thought....in the last 2 years, of the few guys I have been interested in...it comes down to a one night stand or a very brief span of time and then nothing. Which leaves me to feel as if I am beyond hope. What the hell is wrong with me that I cannot find one man that I am crazy about that feels the same about me. it must be the sex....I tried the waiting... I have rushed right in...no matter which course I choose on this I feel completely disposable. And its really a crappy place for me to be..emotionally. So as I was driving to work...listening to cheesy ass love songs..I had this overwhelming sadness which was welling up in one direction...I grabbed my cell phone and dialed his number...not the guy i like...but tommy...my estranged husband...and I was fully intending to tell him how much i hated him...because it is his fault I am alone....and then after I got his message...I hung up without leaving a message and I cried. It isn't his fault I am alone. Our marriage failed, he didnt want it anymore..but honestly when it crumbled I didnt either. No laying blame...I am a grown woman, and I am afraid I may remain single for the rest of my days, as I appear to be more emotionally unstable than even I will admit to being! ok I have gotten out the contents of my head for now...I am off to sleep....and hopefully no dreams will come to me...I don't want to dream of anything or anyone tonight.