"If I just lay here..would you lie with me..and just forget the world?"
Ok woe is fuckin me! Here goes yet another rant from the woman in search of herself...
I have hit a stumbling block..a slight obstacle in this path of mine. Communication..its a beautiful thing. I so wish to have an open exchange with the one person I want to make a place for in my world. There is a catch, and it is a major catch..I have no idea where I stand with this person. I am so out of my element here. I admit this with no shame. I have been so removed from any possible emotional entanglements that this is a bog I am finding myself in. I am trying to stay above the rapidly shifting ground i find myself in..and i can feel the forces weighing me down so that each step feels as if I have run a marathon to get to that point.
I am not one to hold back, when a thought crosses my mind I follow it..and I have been known to say the craziest most unexpected things. It is one of my many flaws I am *a frayed* A little humor to keep me typing. So why is it that when I am at this place where I want to dive headlong into something that could risk the one thing I have protected this long, I am unable to voice the questions I have..get the answers I seek..and figure out what the next step to be taken will be?
Fuck fuck fuck a duck...la la la la..a rambling I now go.
I am scared. I do believe this is what it is. Still, the question raging in my brain is WHY? Like why am I scared..I know why I am scared..I have been interested in someone like this before..I have felt all of these crazy emotions before. Atleast twice :p
But this time..there seems to be every indication these feelings of mine are misplaced. I can't explain that or I wouldn't be typing this. Simple to type but so hard to have inside my brain. I am in no hurry to have the illusion(s) dashed, but I am not enjoying the teetering on the fence either. I risk losing someone I feel is special if I push too hard for the answers..I know this. But I am 31 years old and I am far too old for any type of game. So I may not be so chatty with everyone I care about..and I may come off as slightly bitter or jaded until this is sorted out. So bear with me my friends..my head hurts..and my heart is not secure..emotions so unwanted and wanted tend to make me a bit off center when I don't have them compartmentalized. yet another of my many flaws.
update: so i asked my question...i got no answer. game is over. :(
