wow...this is the 5th pity party blog...I am such a dork 8-p
this isn't totally a pity party...more of an epiphany..but my head is still up my ass so to speak...cuz otherwise that'd just be gross LOL
I find myself all twisted up inside..over a silly man...there is no reason I should get all twisted. All indications are that I am retarded and putting emotional energy where it most likely is unwanted.
So what the hell am I doing??? Who knows...its insanity most likely and perhaps I should seek help..LOL
To understand why I do what I do it would take a damn novel to explain myself..and in that I would be as lost as anyone trying to follow it from start to end. I cannot start at the beginning...it all loops and turns and I never see it from beginning to end..more in the reverse kinda sorta..whatever I am confusing myself again.
My non-friend boss told me something last night that kinda irked me...yes sometimes we have serious discussions...more to just get it out than anything..we dont like each other haha at all! but he says to me...
"what you do is decide you want the unattainable, because you can't trust anyone with your love, and you are afraid to commit to anyone fully, so you sabotage yourself by choosing the one person most likely to fail you, so you aren't to blame, you become the victim, and therefore keep repeating the cycle and stay the victim."
He isn't really as clever as this makes him appear..he cant even use the words for and so correctly in a sentence. but there may be some truth in this...and well fuck what am i doing?
sharing yet more personal information than anyone really needs to know about me eh?!?!!!
so as i sit here...smiling slightly..using this keyboard and blog as my venting tools..trying to get rid of my killer headache...most likely self induced...sigh I think what I need to do is just stop thinking so much about what it is i don't have..and just think about what i do....the silly man is important to me...i just have to figure out why. maybe i can figure it out before i finish driving myself completely insane...
hahahahaha maybe :p it could be too late! LOL
