Pimptation's blog: "Random Musings and Filth!!!"

I remember one particular morning while an adolescent living at home, I decided that I wanted some of my Dad’s orange juice. He didn’t drink the crap we kids did — meaning me and the entire neighborhood that hung out at my house.....ours was called Bright’n'Early and it was more like Tang. It was the Milli Vanilli of orange juices…. fake! Girl, you know it’s true!! Ooo Ooo Ooo! I love juice!! But the morning in question.......I wanted to try some of that “healthy” juice my Pops drank........ And his was the orange juice with all the pulp in it....... So he poured a glass for me and when I took a sip..... immediately scrunched up my face and thought to myself......"What in the Ricky Bell hell is this mess?!?!” I mean, I like oranges....... I like juice........ But this orange juice had a whole bunch of stuff in it!......That pulp felt like a bunch of ants were playing spades on my gums! I finished the juice because.......in my household.......you don’t get food and not finish it — I found that out when I made that peanut butter, lettuce, tomato, mustard and mozarella sandwich. Not the hotness....... Anyways...... For a long time after drinking that pulp-laden juice.......I left real orange juice alone........ Why?.........Blame it on the rain!...... Nah, for real though.......it’s not that I didn’t like it....... it’s just that….. the texture wasn’t right. Anyhoo....moving on.....I love pulpy orange juice these days.....and living in Cooper Young has a brutha lovin’ sushi and sashimi more than I thought I ever would... However, there was a time when I would look at sushi like it was an alien on some take-me-to-your-leader-type ish. Salmon? Cod? Mahi Mahi? What the hell is all that?!?! All I knew were sardines, catfish, and tuna in a can! That’s Black folks fish! We don’t nothing ’bout no damn tilapia!! Just like raw oysters…. Have you SEEN those things??! They look like something someone with the pneumonia would cough up!!........ And chitlins?? Lawd Lawd Lawd CHITTERLINGS!! Lookin like the back of fat woman’s thighs???....... And smellin like the skin between her chins??? No......thank.......you.....or in Crackhead Whiteny Speak.... HELL TO THA NAWWWW!!!!!! Look, I like fish… but I liked my fish filet’d and fried! I love shellfish, but a RAW.OYSTER?? I like pork…well not really....it gives me headaches....but bacon on a burger from Wendy's is my ace boon coon… but chit’lins?? I mean, I’ve developed a taste for all of them now......except the pig guts...... But me and sushi is like that, son! A bowl of raw oysters and hot sauce?? I’ll slap your grandma for it! Ya see, it’s not that I didn’t like them before, it’s just that…. the texture wasn’t right. And this is the same reason why I didn’t like ricotta cheese..... The texture........ And Grape Nuts........ And watermelon — Oh ya betta believe it!....... The Kav- Boogie does NOT do watermelon!....or most soul food for that matter.....im prah'lee the worst negro ever when it comes to soul food.......becaus....like watermelon...... The texture is all off! And wet grits...... “Wet grits?!?!?” Yes Lawd, wet grits!!........ Let the church AY-MAYN!! Preach Pastor!....... Turn to your neighbor and say, “Wet grits…” Wet grits! “…be some nasty sh– PRAY FA ME SAINTS!” (Pastor is sho’ ’nuff crazy! ) The worst texture on earth can be realized by doing the dishes with your bare hands and feeling wet grits floating around in the dishwater!!....... All between your fingers!....... Or feel some wet bread roll across the back of your hand!...... Ugh. It’s the texture ya’ll…. the texture makes it not right! No matter how good something may actually be.... sometimes the texture makes it hard to enjoy. Which brings me to my HS jump off......She was a pretty young thing........ We were in the midst of a summer romance and spent all our free time together....... Right there, standing by the window in her bedroom in a sundress and heels, with the sun setting in the spaces between the blinds.......she asked me for something I’d never done before. She said she really liked me….... that I made her feel comfortable… that she trusted me… that she wanted me to be the one she tried new things with…(see where Im going with this?).... This is music to a teenage boy’s ears!........ I just knew she was finally gonna give in and let a brutha get his swivel hips on!...... So.......ya know.........I threw my game on her to ease whatever fears she had, and said........“You know you can trust me..... This is special; what we have here is divine......... I’m yours....... We can try whatever you like.” (real grown man talk at age 16...and since i lost my virginity at 14 I thought I had two years in the game.....like I knew what I was doing and all.....) She replied, “I want you…. to be, the ummm, first… to, ummmm, kiss me. Like, down there.“ WHAT?!?!? Sully the reputation of my virgin tongue?!?! You want me to go DOWNTOWN!?!?!? Girl, I live in the suburbs!!! I don’t even have my license yet!!! How the hell am I gonna get downtown?!?! I’m scurrred!!!! But I couldn’t say that!!........ Not after I’d just agreed to do whatever she wanted and tried to get all Oran “Juice” Jones on her!! Minus the pulp, of course!!! So I just took a deep breath, and tried to say “no” without hurting her feelings......... But all that came out was: “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that… the texture isn’t right.”