Hmmmmmm....damn!
I think…. hmm, then again maybe it wasn’t….
Weeelllll…. I don’t know. It coulda been…. hmmm….
I wanna say his name was George though…. yeah, I think it was.
Yes! It was! It was George! That’s that muhfukkas name! George!
Good ol’ George…. *sigh*
Man… that dude provided many a laugh for the Black population at my suburban middle school with bussed-in lil nigglettes.
It still amazes me that a bunch of 13 year olds could religiously crack on a peer who was bigger than all our lil azzes and get away with it daily.
Oh but we did! But a lot of the shyt was either warranted or just playin’ the dozens with dude. Like dude used to just ASK to get cracked on…
…. for example….
Ya’ll remember back in the 80’s when nyggas were cutting their hair all kinds of dayum ways?? Flat tops, Ronald Reagans, Pee-Wee Hermans, slants, 45 parts, and steps in the shyt???
Well, there was a period of time in my middle school when every dude wanted to get a Gumby.
*if you don’t know what a Gumby haircut is or looks like…. please turn in your ghetto pass at the nearest post office or 7-11.
And if you’ve already turned that in, then please contact Michael Jackson for instructions on turning in your melanin as well.*
Well good ol’ George got a gumby.
But like a lotta poor muhfukkas that age, he cut his hair himself.....And if you’ve ever cut your own hair, then you know that sometimes the shyt looks tight to you and looks tore-da-fukk-back to everyone else.
*George proceeds to center stage*
Example-fuggin-A.
George rolled up to school one day bald-headed….
except for a block of hair….
yes, a block….. of hair….
approximately two inches in length by two inches in width centered on the SIDE of his head right around temple area. LOL
This was his attempt at a Gumby.
Now, if you know like I know, then a gumby haircut is supposed to look like … well…. like Gumby. With an y=x(squared) progression to it….
*ahem*
and for you liberal arts muhfukkas, that basicallly means a sort of slope.
But there are three basic elements to a Gumby…. low hair on one side… high hair on the other side…. and a gradual progression between the two.
Dammit… it looks like Gumby.
I can’t explain the shyt.
Google a gumby image, or a Bobby Brown picture circa 1988, and help your brain out.
Ok, so, George’s shyt??
His gumby was just gum-bad.
Ya’ll remember Bert from Sesame Street?
Well, take that little patch of hair shyt on Bert’s head, and stick it one the side of his head.
That, dear readers, is what George had.
A fukkin oasis of nappy patchiness on the side of a bald head.
Pokey, maybe. Gumby, never.
So we cracked on George all.day.long.
It wasn’t mean… it was factual.
And sometimes the truth hurts….
oh the life lessons we taught him that day!
That was George… everyone’s friend yet the butt of everyone’s joke yet everyone still like him yet....
*is there a limit to how many yets one can say successively?*
Yet … there was one rumor going around about George that I never believed.
And, in fact, to this day, I don’t know if George ever knew that this particular rumor was being said about him behind his back.
I’ll never forget the first time I heard it…
it was something I couldn’t possibly even conceive.
It was a rumor so vile to my virgin ears that I think my life changed upon being on the receiving end of the rumor’s utterance.
After leaving a group of folks in the cafeteria, me and my boy left to go chill outside. As we were walking, this conversation took place:
Me: Man, when you said George’s mamma had three arms and stirs Kool-Aid like this — *doing the Cabbage Patch* — I thought I was gonna pass out!
Him: LOL! Yeah man…. but you heard about him, right?
Me: Nah, whatchu mean?
Him: You ain’t heard man??? Everybody knows…
Me: Knows what??? Tell me!!
Him: Man…. *sigh*…. George, man…. that nygga….
Me: What?? WHAT?!?
Him: That nygga be fukkin COWS man…. fa real.
At that moment, my life changed.
I think I stopped in my tracks!
My brain simply wasn’t fast enough to process everything I just heard AND continue to walk!
Syntax error gahdammit…. you can’t run Windows XP on a Commodore 64!
It took me a few moments to fully comprehend what I heard.
I mean, at 13, I knew about sex.
But the most I was trying to do was kiss with a little tongue in it and maybe get a hicky or two.
So though I knew there was a extremely small portion of people at my middle school that actually went beyond the stinky finger, I never imagined that any of them were doing more than that, though somebody probably was.
Additionally, I never even knew sex with anything other than your hand or another person was POSSIBLE.
So to hear about THIS!
SHOOK! SHAKEN, even!! Like a James Bond Martini! No… wait… he liked it stirred, right???
Well, fukk it… I was all of them shits…. STIRRED, SHAKEN, and SHOOK!!
OMG! Sex with cows?? in fukkin New Jersey???
UGH!! Say it ain’t so Lawd!
Say.it.ain’t.so!
Of course, this is a running joke about West Virginia, Mississippi, Kentucky, Iowa hillbillies and those kinds of….
Uhhhh….. ok, this hasn’t happened before but ummm…
I see one of the blog lurkers raising her hand….
Ummm…… yes? You in the back….
“Uhhh… so like, dayum Kavi… why you decide to write about this?
What the hell they doing to you at CBU???”
Well, I’ll tell ya.
I was reading the news — online of course, it’s 2007, newspapers are only good for airplanes, crosswords, and sudoku puzzles, and the last two you can get online! — and I come across this story in the Yahoo Odd News section, which is non-stop good reading:
Man Pleads No Contest to Cattle Relations
NEILLSVILLE, Wis. Dec 23, 2006 — A 64-year-old man has pleaded no contest to charges in Clark County Circuit Court after telling police he regularly had been using calves for sexual gratification.
Harold G. Hart was placed on two years probation Thursday and ordered to have psychological counseling and an alcohol and drug abuse assessment after pleading to charges of sexual gratification with an animal and disorderly conduct.
According to the criminal complaint, the family living on the farm Hart visited, installed a motion sensor because they had seen suspicious footprints and vehicle tracks.
When the sensor sounded, Hart was caught leaving the barn. He later told police the farm was a routine stop, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Marshfield or Neillsville.
Hart told police he had gone to the farm at least 50 times in the last year, sometimes two to four times in a week.
I know, dude. I know.
I mean, does not this shyt just make you wanna pray!!?? LOL
About something… anything!!
But I just feel like I need to walk with the Lawd after reading something so apalling as that!
Hey man… I like beef.
I’m all about getting my filet mignon on!
I love me some burgers!!
I can fuck wit a rib tip or two!!!
Hell, I even eat raw beef in the form of Gored Gored from that Ethiopian spot on 18th St back in DC!!
But umm… this dude….
who you just KNOW was white — do the math: Wisconsin, 64, stroking cows. Thank you. — takes fulla BULL to a whole new level!!
I mean, I like ass too… (And Im talking in the most Hetero way possible....Nullus Elton John)
but I’m talking about the human female body part! Not ass, the farm animal!!
I even like doggy-style….
but not with no dayum doggies!!!
Ewwww!!! BOVINE BOOTY!!!
*faints*
*somebody bring me one of those church fans with Martin Luther King, Jr. on the front and an ad for Ford Funeral Home on the back!!*
*I can’t take it!*
“C’mere Bessie, you big assed heffa you!! I see you lookin at me with those big ol’ eyes. Ol’ Hank is about to tenderize your sirloins! Oh yeah… that’s it… I know you like a little foreplay… why don’t you give me a little New York Strip tease….I know you like it when I pinch that udder…. yeah baby, that’s it… give Papa that non-pasteurized, non-homogenized calcium for my strong bone….. mmmm….. now this is what I call Grade A beef, and that’s no bull….. heh heh… get it?…. Ol’ Hank made a funny…. but enough of this jokin… Lemme give you some cud you can chew…. I got a cattle prod for that azz…. C’mere!”
LOL… disgustingly sick AND hilariously funny all rolled in one!!
I bet when he rolled up on the farm, after going to a “bar or a strip club” which is just an invaluable quote after reading that, the cows were all stampeding like hell to get away from ol’ Hank. Cows running all over the pasture like Ludacris:
“Mmmmooooooooo Bytch… get out the way!!”
Whew! Ok…. no more cow jokes. LOL
On a serious note, I hope dude at least wore condoms and shit.
Fukk around and catch that mad cow shyt!
Hey man, they blamed AIDS on Africans fukkin monkeys (racial), I gotta believe herpes began from white folks fukkin farm animals!
And really, dude should pray that ol’ Bessie doesn’t have any babies!
Dayum baby come out lookin like Brandy!!
Full Moooooooooon indeed!
Or worse, coming out looking like an Iota…. a fukked up centaur an’ what not….
*let all the NPHC Greeks say, “Oooooo…. .that ain’t right!”*
So thanks to good ol’ Harold G. Hart — the G stand for Guts Bovinus — I thought about George.
I wonder where he is now….
what he’s doing… and if he ever found out that people called him the Pasture Pimp behind his back…..
… or if he knew and just didn’t give a shyt.
Life lessons indeed.
*wasn’t that ending so mmooooooooving??? heh heh heh*
I'm just sayin....
