Damn dude, you just put in work.
As you lay there between the darkness of her bedroom and the aroma of insatiable sex — cradling a bottle of ice cold beer — your mind races.
You marvel at how just how well you performed and from where that performance came.
There, in the darkness, with your outstretched arm between a cool pillow and her freshly shampooed hair tinged with sweat, a french manicured hand on your chest encasing a rapidly beating heart, two perky breasts adjacent to your torso, and one freshly shaven leg draped across yours, you listen to her breathe as she sleeps …
… and she sleeps soundly because…. well…. damn dude, you just put in work.
Just before she fell into her deep sleep, she uttered those words which make her annoying habit of popping gum bearable; those words that make the fact that she has had more sexual partners than she has fingers or toes insiginificant; those words that make that ex-boyfriend that always seems to pop up inconveniently not so troublesome; that magical phrase that every man wants to hear from every woman he has ever slept with whether the sex was a result of love and passion or a consequence of two horny ass mammals…
"Damn baby… that was incredible… no one has ever made me cum like that."
And there, in this poetic and satisfying moment in the darkness of her abode….
….. you twist up your muthafuggin lips and think "Oh heffa puhleeze!!"
Every dude that has put in work and heard these words has had this moment. I mean, yeah, you put in work, but be for real…. you?? the best ever??
Gimme.amuhfuggin.break.
Surely, you didn't rock the casbah like she says you did!
Not you!...... I mean, sure you got that swivel hip shit down and you are working with a stick that produces magic that even Copperfield would be proud of, but nigga…. she is just trying to boost your ego!
Not you!.... You??..... The best ever??..... BALDERDASH!! BOLSHEVIK!!
Some may say the dude in the above scenario is simply a pessimist.
Some would say that when you have givin a woman the best sweet lovin she's ever had that you won't have to ask or need a verbal confirmation, you'll just know.
I say that the truth lies somewhere in between.
In should be no surprise to anyone that has engaged in the bumping of the uglinesses that folks lie about sex.
In fact, many a movie and sitcom has garnered laughs, box office sales, and Nielsen ratings on the faking that people engage in during sex.
So it naturally follows that folks will be suspicious when you claim their stroke is more heavenly than St. Peter eating Haagen-Dazs on a pearly gate singing that O'Jays song about the stairway there.
Hey man, I wish I could tell you that women owned the corner on faking orgasms, but I simply can't.
Yes…. I… Kaviar D'edrick Del Juan Lewis…. has faked an orgasm…. many o' time.
"Damn Kav…. why fake?"
Because muhfugga!! I'm compassionate!! I care about people's feelings!!
Ya see, I have a theory.
And it's a well thought-out theory too, so don't even try to shoot holes in my shit.
And by well thought-out, I mean that I'm coming up with the shit as I type, but please don't let that deter from the genious of the following posit:
Men that fake orgasms do so out of compassion.
Women do the shit so the nigga will just get.da.fuck.up.
that is all.....and Im jus sayin.....
The times when I faked it, I did so because I knew the woman was trying her damndest to make the snake spit… and it just wasn't happenin. If a woman rides the dizzle like she's on a damn airplane experiencing turbulence and shit… all shallow-bumpy-and-arhythmic… ummmm…. yeahh…. we gon' have to fake this shit.
Yeah, I'm gonna need her to get on one of them kiddy rides outside Walmart so she can get a damn clue…. otherwise, prices won't be the only thing fallin' 'round this bitch.
But see, men don't fake it so that she'll stop, we fake it so that she feels likes she can take us there. The last thing you wanna do is kill a woman's confidence who enjoys partaking of the mushroomed tube steak.
To destroy a woman's confidence in sex is to put the pussy on injured reserve…. that shit won't be available for the next game.
We want her to continue to believe that she has that bomb shit… because that leaves the door open for other shit that may help her take us there and gives her sexual freedom.
Freedom is not just a buck-o-five.
That bullshit ass shit going around that says "men can come whenever they want to" is utter hogwash! Not just hogwash… but hogwash of the utter variety.
I WISH I could nut on command!
Do you know how that would have saved me from bullshit facial contortions and lip-biting?!?!
Then again… if I could nut on command, I would be the most commanding muhfugga the earth has ever known…. so I take that back… for posterity's sake if nothing else.
But it's not just women who can't fuck that require the fake fuck face… it's those that kill the mood too.
For example, I was with this girl a few years back........ We never had a relationship....... it was pretty much just sex.......... At one point, she wanted it to be more, but umm… as far as I was concerned… the groundwork had already been laid… along with the pipe......... And the pipe and groundwork said, "No."
So the last time I was ever with her, she turned into a chocolate ass Cathy Bates on my ass! She started staring at me with a scowl on her face — while I'm pumpin my ass off, mind you — and saying shit like, "You never liked me.
You just wanted this ass.
Ain't that right??
Yeah nigga.. that's it right there… right there…
You just using me, huh?
You never liked me."
Timeout Ref. Flag on the damn play.
Unsportsmanlike conduct, defense, #53, 15 yard penalty, automatic first down, and break da fuck out.
I faked that shit, and got the hell outta dodge.
But before I left, she was talking me to death talkin' 'bout, "I'm glad you really enjoyed that one…. it'll probably be our last. It's a shame, ain't it? 'Cause now you know just how good my shit can be when I don't hold back on you."
Bitch, please. Psycho much?
But women??!?!...... Oh oh oh!
Women fake because they are thinking, "I wish this nigga would just get OFF me!"
After hearing a dude talk shit about all the shit he really AIN'T doin', they just want him to get up.
I'll admit that women can be kind and give dude an extra few minutes to try and finish, but enough is enough dammit.
So they fake it to get dude to get up so he can go watch the game or kill a spider or some shit.
Could it be?? Could it be that Kaviar has found one of the few instances in life where men are more compassionate than women??
Yes. It be.
See, it makes sense for men to fake it, because making the woman feel like she is the bomb-shit reaps rewards in the future.
Your compassion now turns into her doin' hoe shit later.
And friends, that investment is better than a high-interest yield mutual fund…. in fact, it's better than buying real estate in Maryland or California in 2000 and selling in 2007!
But for women, I just don't get it.
Now, while my ego is massive, I'm not dumb enough to think that every woman that said I made her orgasm actually meant that shit.
I'm sure some heffa was on the False Nut Express fukkin with me at some point … rather, points… in life. And I'm ok with that.
Do what you do gotta do…. 'cause I damn sho' did.
But women need to understand that men are creatures of habit. Therefore, if you fake shit with him, then what do you think he's gonna do the next time???
Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
If dude is pounding on you like he's John Henry vs that damn machine, and it's horrible to you so you fake it to get him off…. everytime you two do the do, he's gonna get on that same John Henry shit singin' Negro spirituals.
It's in your best interest, ladies, NOT to fake it.
Trust me on this one…. unless, of course, you want to boycott orgasms like the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People boycotting some corporate organization for calling a Black person 'colored.'
The irony is blinding.
So as a result of all the above, I am a skeptic.
I've heard that magical phrase from a woman more than once, and I'm sure that more than one of the utterings was a bald-faced lie… as opposed to a lie with mustache and goatie.
Naturally.
But, you know what I surmised in the end??
It doesn't fuckin matter.
As far as I'm concerned, she is telling that lie for herself.
Because any grown ass woman with some sense knows that if she wants me to change what I'm doing, the best way is to tell a brutha and leave the fibs to that fake ass Dr. Pepper drink.
Oh, wait. That's Mr. Pibb…. Pibb not fib…
But you get the point!
And for those other times when that magical phrase is uttered and she means it??
Well, that ice cold beer sure does taste good there, in the darkness, with your outstretched arm between a cool pillow and her freshly shampooed hair tinged with sweat, a french manicured hand on your chest encasing a rapidly beating heart, two perky breasts adjacent to your torso, and one freshly shaven leg draped across yours, you listen to her breathe as she sleeps … laying there between the darkness of her bedroom and the aroma of insatiable sex….
… thinking to yourself, "damn dude, I just put in work."
This is the entry that results from a drunk dude — me — overhearing two white dudes in a bar talkin about how they can tell if a woman is faking.
They didn't have a clue…. their final conclusion was it was a real orgasm was "the nipples swell up an' shit… I saw that on the Discover Channel… ain't no fakin that."
And this, my friends, is the future of America.
