This may be a surprise to some of you, but I have an oral fixation.
Before I even get started....... let me pull your mind out the gutter.
Yes, this is a Kaviar D. Lewis blog, which basically means things are bound to turn sexual and/or racist at some point.
But please, let me take you to the gutter… don't get ahead of me or it'll ruin all the corny jokes and allusions that I have in store.
Trust me on this one… I'll get nasty when I've run out of shit to say.
Ok? Thanks.
Now… what was I saying before I was so rudely interrupted by your gutter ass thoughts??
Oh yes! Oral fixation. I have one…. it probably stems from licking twat and shovin my dizzle down heffa's esophaguses… or is it esophagusi(??)
Hell, I don't know…. but either way, I have one.
And that paragraph was nasty just for YOUR nasty ass.
I knew I had to appease your penchant for smut in order for me to continue on.
Are we ready?....... Bien!....... Let's proceed…
Seriously though, I do have a fixation of the oral variety.
I tell people all the time that this is the main reason that I chew so much big read after finally kicking the smoking habit.
Fugga nicotine… it was the act of smoking that had me hooked, not the ammonia, rat urine, and panda nuts that Truth.com would have you believe is in every ounce of cigarette smoke… making smokers responsible for rodent-incited plagues as well as the cause of the panda's placement on the endangered species list… yet we got no credit for utilizing ammonia on our lungs.
Hey, if it can help Mr. Clean to get up that soap scum from your tub, think of how spotless your lungs should have been after a few applications!!
Trust me, I get sick less than most folks because bacteria and viruses…. or is it virusi(??)…. simply can't survive in my lungs!
Ammonia, son. Just what the doctor ordered.
You know where I think my oral fixation originated??
Most psychoanalysizing folks would try to trace it to breast-feeding, but that ain't it. I didn't start breast-feeding until I was 14… and my 17 year old girlfriend wasn't lactating so that shit don't count.
In fact, titties were all the same to me for many years…. shyt, it didn't matter if they were A cup or A glass!!
Whether they were ZZ cups or ZZ Top!!
I didn't really care.
And even now in my old age, nice breassessess… or is it breassessi(??)…. aren't required reading… simply extra credit for in-depth study.
"So if not there, then where?"
Wood.
*snicker*
Ok…. timeout.
Remember our little talk at the beginning of the entry about not getting nasty ahead of me??
Remember how I was saying that when it's time for your mind to get gutterfied, I would take you there??
You do? Ok… well, then, I'm gonna need for you to adhere to that.
May I continue?....... Merci.
Fa real though, it was wood that caused my oral fixation.
When I was younger, I would spend the summers with my Grandmother in the country ass country of Hernando, MS.
It was so country that even the roaches had slaves!
It was so country that even the pigs ate pork!
It was so country that even the trees picked cotton!
And me, being the NYC claimin though Jersey bred suburbanite that I was, would go down there and learn lessons about country life.
I learned how to fish down there.
I learned how to go a solid week without bathing.
I learned how to open beer bottles with my teeth.
I learned how to blow up cans of bug spray when you burn your trash.
I learned not to fuck with baby chicks or the mother hen would get in your ass.
I learned that electric fences will.fugg.you.up.
I learned that a live goat in the day is dead dinner at night.
And I learned that wood tastes good when chewed. (and I mean that in the most hetero way possible).
Now, I'm not talking about just any wood…. I don't mean going and chewing the bark off a pecan tree is the bomb shit.
I'm talking about that sweet, sweet wood… one like none other.
"The wood… what's its name?"
Sugarcane!
Ask me again and I'll tell you the same!!
Have ya'll heard that before!!?? My moms used to say that ALL.THE.TIME.
Oh wait….. it's Puddin' Tang… not sugarcane.
LOL What the hell is puddin tang anyway???
I know what pudding is…. and I know what tang is…. but what the hell is puddin' tang?
Well, it's my name… of course.
Dude…. sugarcane is guh-huh-huh-hoood!!
For those of you Western and Northern muhfukkas, lemme hip you to what the shit is.
The way you drunks know sugarcane is in the form or Rum… sugarcane (aka Sorghum) is used to produce it.
But the way we Cubanos and Carib folks know it is in its raw form.
Southern folks should know it by the name used to make that sticky assed molasses that they sopped up with their hot water cornbread.
but anyhoo....
Sugarcane is a tall ass bamboo ass looking plant.
When you strip the reed from a ripe stalk, the wood inside is juicydennamuhfukka.
And so down south, my uncles would go cut a few stalks and bring'em back.
And the kids would sit there and chew the juice out the damn wood with a fervor seldom seen.
It was soooo good. And then, when you had chewed all the juice out the wood, you spit the wood out.
Man, I chewed up so much wood nyggas would thought I was a damn beaver.
We had my grandma's yard looking like a damn sawmill!
But the feel of the cane in my mouth was so refreshing, so satisfying.
I was a fiend ya'll….
And that love of wood in my mouth turned to toothpicks which then turned to candy which then turned to Big League Chew (ya'll remember that???
Man, I would have a big ass basketball sized wad of that shyt in my mouth!
Nygga perpetually looked like Ihad the mumps fuggin with Big League Chew -- which then turned to straws (I know I ain't the only high schooler that thought it was cool to chew on your straw from lunch all day long) and then turned to the plastic tips of Black'N'Milds.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
So now, I'm orally fixated.
And that fixation has stemmed my love for carbonated drinks to feel the bubbles in the back of my throat and liquor that burns on the way down.
But it 'twas sugarcane that began my love affair.
On my way through Desoto County last week, I noticed that there are thick fields of some kind of plant with flowery white tops atop a 7,8, 10 foot high plant.
One of those fields was harvested the other day and revealed the familiar reed that began in all.
Yes folks, there is sugarcane in my vicinity.
And I shall soon be the most splinter-mouthed termite ass Negro the world has ever seen.
I'm gonna chew so much wood that I'll be spittin out notebooks.
What'll it be? College-ruled or Legal pad.
Ya'll pray for me…. I think I'm about to be addicted to cane.
I'm on the verge of my fixation turning into fetishes….
…or is it fetishi(??)
True story.....
