Icarus's blog: "Hurts to watch."

So... as I stood naked in the shower
as I've been known to do when sober

I had this terrible thought about my cheating abusive psycho whore of an ex

What if
this goes somewhere
and I do something stupid like bear every soft spot necessary for this girl to destroy me?

It was the first time this really entered my mind.
I had to stop and ask myself
"what can go wrong"
"am I ready to do this again?"
"is it worth trusting this woman?"

I didn't really have a satisfactory answer.
I knew I was getting ahead of myself.
Way way way ahead of myself.

To think- what brought this on
was dropping the soap
and immediately flashing back to that bright yellow cell
that polyester velcroed schmock
the pencils made out of wax
the phones that never worked
the cricket chirp of that awful checkpoint baton

what brought me back was how cold the shower had become
and the big thick heaving gasps pounding out of my lungs.

I thought back to entering her number in my cellphone
this big black story I had to tell her
and how her name was right next to my lawyer's.
3 Down from menu.
In case of emergency
dial, wait for voicemail
scream.

I had been looking forward to this all month, and it all came down on me so fast.

What if this gets serious?
What if she seduces me and calls rape?
That'd be original.
That'd be about the last new way to hurt me.

Take my job, take money owed and sitting in the open, take my things, take my family, take my friends, take my sex, take my trust, take my good name.

Just another part of my every day nightmare.

I decided I wasn't ready.
I probably never would be.
That I could never plan the perfect strategy
the all encompassing escape
a riposte to every injury

I have to take these things an extra step
its all I have to protect myself
visualize the break
don't plan the defense, plan the recovery.

As far as I can take it...

She's pretty enough to be worth it.