I don't know what I want to say here, about the state of things, what has happened, where I am, how I am.
I'm still standing.
I might be propped up with pain killers and raw, hate-filled determination, but I'm still here.
My year review is any time between now, and next month. I've been a little on edge, but I'm fairly optimistic. I think my overall performance and output have been the same, possibly increased, and I've made a few splashes here and there. I even helped train a couple people, offered some helpful advice. I've even taken on more responsibilities when called upon. Not much more has been asked of me.
I don't think I've synched a promotion, or landed a HUGE payraise or bonus. I'm just doing my job, desperately, to get what I need.
Strangely that's somehow remarkable.
I'm trying to stay strong, but every now and then, when I really take stock of what I've lost, it can be really hard. The goals creep closer, and I bitterly ask "then what?".
I'm spending a lot of time with my brother.
Every day hurts.
My dog still loves me.
No news on the debt. No news on the lawsuits.
I'll survive despite them.
My heart is broken and in teeny tiny pieces in the dirt.
Not to where I yearn, and pine.
I'm not drinking so much.
But I don't even imagine myself feeling any more.
The last wick and pool of passion and warmth is spent.
... course they make -new- candles for when that happens.
I don't know what comes next.
I still want to make a valiant, desperate stab at being free.
My water, My food. My land. My sky.
I don't know if my battered body will permit it.
I still want to try.
I miss the hope. The random of being so entwined in someone else.
Everything else is a red haze of agonizing tension in my back, neck, arms, and head.
It's been a bad pain ... season? A very long summer of injury.
Winter will surely be a bitch.
I can't find the way.
The words are gone.
Like a knife that won't cut.
Not even your soft, sweet, pink little fingers.
Unbidden little bites, while you absently slide down the edge.
Dancing with excitement, and longing.
The sting and sever
all but ejaculatory glimpses of red and splitting skin.
Oh, how I miss these little talks.
My hands on your neck, bare and erotic disgust inside you.
Raspy coughs, safety squirms
and wriggly, feeble gestures for air or ecstasy.
I could never tell the difference.
The words are gone.
And she is, still.
Some things have been going on.
My brother and his wife are starting a business, final inspections are happening this week.
I'm receiving a raise and bonus after the end of my job's fiscal year (July).
I'm up for (and somewhat likely to receive) an additional bonus and raise for an undisclosed amount on my yearly review which is coming up shortly. Rumors of a promotion are being murmored here and there. I have little to no expectations as I've only just recently started this job, though I have had some sizable responsibilities shoveled on me.
I have already spent the first bonus on repairing my jank-ass car.
It was just barely the amount where it would have been easier to repair than to find a different car.
I'm aggitated by that, but it was free money I wasn't expecting that I am spending.
I have enough for a down-payment on a house, but not to live off of immediately afterward.
I have no attractive plots of land on my list within my price range, within driving distance.
-someone- in our region is building itty-bitty, new rural houses, and I'll be seeking this person out.
My dog hurt her left front leg (not sure how) and is kinda hopping around, she is showing signs of progress and recovery, but it about makes me lose my mind any time that dog is hurt.
I've filed suit against my old insurance company and am seeking an injury settlement.
We have a shot, not a great shot, and not at a ton of cash.
I have not been on any dates in the past six months, nor have I met anyone in town that I'm terribly attracted to or interested in.
I spend most of my days in a dead, flat-footed sprint from my own demons and anxiety. (that's not new)
Some really, really, really exciting games are coming out this retail season. Some really stupid distractions have been coming out (mobile and poorly implemented VR launches).
It's a great week for America, almost. If it weren't for the racist mass shooting in SC, America would look like an almost livable place right now. People are getting married, people are chipping away at big-pharm, big-insurance, and big med, and perhaps soon we'll catch up to the rest of the first-world. And a progressive commy is running for president.
I've been reading.
I have almost two weeks of vacation on the books, almost a month of sick time...
Some goals have left my sight, but they're coming back as more thins settle and more fires are put out.
I hurt every day.
I try every day.
I fail every day.
I succeed every day.
I have over half of my medical debt paid off, and I -could- write a check right now to wipe it out.
Tonight I dream of being snowed in.
Kindling. Naked in the bleak deluge of summer sun and sobriety.
The smoky drip of sweat and late barley.
A season of bad hair and blistering skin.
This is not a haiku. This is not an apology.
I depleted all answers between the last turnpike, and the last light before dawn.
Lamps popping as I ponder amber sky and tactless tendrils of saturated wet grass.
Piloting this meat suit prison full of noise and empty.
A well planned emergency jettison of mortality and in all hopes contemplation for solidarity.
If not, accountability.
Maps. Guides. Compass.
I tossed them for the stars fading in morning's crushing afterbirth.
Glorius, if not infinitely cruel.
Like some baleful ocean of willowy tryants and reveling heathens.
Beckoning me to drink the salty warm waters.
To drown obliviated among the captor sky.
Week 2.5 of the "Great Granny Migration".
Things are tense. That's what living with a manipulative, viciously passive-aggressive senior citizen (against their will) does to someone.
Surviving that so far, work stopped swaying so much, for now.
It's good to not sway.
I went through my old texts tonight and deleted a fair slug.
I didn't delete a single one from you.
Even out of context, fragmented, and half a year old- it felt good to see your words, and pretend for a moment that you could be reached.
There wasn't a great deal of yearning and agonizing, it was warmth.
Something like happy.
Maybe for the rest of the night.
I've been spending as much time with my brother as I can. His life is still quite the clusterfuck, or maybe something that rhymes with life.
Getting out hasn't been working out so great.
I still have good days and bad. Universe falling on my head one day, getting coffee the next.
It seems to be easier when I'm by myself, or with Clover.
Sometimes we go out and pick mushrooms (to look at) and talk to the neighborhood cats. One very much wants to be ours, and if I catch her by the scruff of her neck some day I'm taking her to the shelter.
I don't even like cats, they're snooty and generally lack personality, but this one thinks she's a dog.
So I'll take her somewhere that can have confused, skinny dog-cats.
It isn't perfect yet.
And it occasionally brushes against my fingertips within reach of budget.
Then something usually comes up, like new tires, or a kidney transplant, but I think this time next month I'll be talking to lawyers, and bankers.
Two of my favourite kinds of people.
And maybe I'll have some wet, green firmament to lay down on,
and pretend I'm home.
It will be place, but somewhat lacking as home.
Not without back porch cigarettes, and sheets crumpled in a heap.
I gotta hold it all together.
Just a little longer.
A lot longer.
Things are getting worse. I mean... before they get better.
I have to be fair. Things have been bad before.
Passed out on the floor, no sun for months. Bad.
Guns, broken glass, and post-morphine glee. Bad.
Something tells me I'm aspiring to those days.
My job is changing again.
I'm moving across the hall to be in a room with three other people instead of one.
My least favourite person at work overtook my (and this other lady's) office because she's
So my options were
learn a more complex job, for no raise until August.
Change schedule again, or
EVERY day with my least favourite person at work.
I obviously took the option that dumped the contents of my desk into a box, moving down the hall, and another 2 weeks of probationary training.
The good news is, the job I'm taking is going to look
on a resume.
Hell, I can even do it from home if I can get over the hump.
I'm also losing 80% of the panic inducing assignment (the last 20% pending). I'm rather pleased at that fact, especially since my favourite person at the agency, whom I only see on that assignment
is leaving at the end of the month.
So things are going to be hard.
If things stabilize (which they never have) I come out ahead.
A lot ahead.
I dunno how but the other shoe will land and I'll be doing this job, my six old jobs, and the panic job by June.
I'm winning out by attrition.
Though without some extra scratch, what I'm winning isn't all that clear, and only 6 people in an agency of hundreds have the salary range I'm gunning for by the end of the year.
I'll re-evaluate my options after land, fort, and freedom.
When there's a need, they ask me first.
So either I'm a chump, or go-to. I'll try to assume the best.
Ask again in six months.
Maybe this is that weird, tense, painful moment before everything turns in my favor, and I get what I want
or at least what I'm working for.
I've been listening to a lot of prog-rock. That whole, pre-punk era of high concept artsy compositional rock.
Procul Harum specifically.
A lot going on in the imagery of that song, that album, and A Salty Dog.
I sing when I'm sad.
I only dance when I'm happy.
You're not the only thing I think about.
I think about a cabin where there's no lamp-posts, or roads.
Tall grass tickling my wrist, and a run of nearly-wild dogs, and dirt trails to wilder pastures.
These days it's just me, and it doesn't seem to be quite enough.
My head can't quite wrap around a solution to that.
But there's perch on the fire, and a surprising lack of agenda and intent.
I guess that's what this is all for.
A life of weekends, and playing in the dirt.
I'll take what I can to get by.
Tomorrow I move into my new desk, and probably get hammered by a bunch of new shit that is weird, nit-picky, and could kill someone if I fuck it up.
don't fuck up.
I'm getting pretty good at that.
I had that dream again.
Your hand was catching the clouds.
And you could fix me with a glimpse.
Everything got worse when morning stirred.
I woke to a new stiffness, a new dead limb,
and the increasing hollow of dawn unaccompanied.
Did you stop loving me because I was broken?
Or was it simply that I was never there.
To be fair... neither were you.
I could still kiss you every day.
Bad breath, cracked lips, bleeding hearts.
Makes no difference to me.
Let's call this "reconstruction".
I guess that's progress.
But, I'm at the smorgasborg, and nothing looks good.
I have the faintest, most lukewarm of interests right now.
I hate when these slumps come on because they're tremendous time wasters.
I'll pull out of them, and look around realizing all the time I lost sulking or feeling grey.
I'm at the smorgasborg, and I had homecooked perfection for almost 2 years.
She's a hard act to follow.
I'm training half of my replacement. Still maneuvering to wiggle forward in the company.
Other half of my replacement may or may not be in-bound.
Won't know for a while.
Keep having minor explosions, and bailouts, and flakes.
I feel like you were the edge of the world.
Like after you there's nothing.
Maybe that feeling will disappear. Maybe you will first.
At this exact moment, I want neither to happen.
There's a silence that follows her through every broken window.
A lingering scent of dried pasta and cheap cigarettes.
I plead. I toy. I jiggle the fragments and blades still stuck in the wound.
Pawing at the scars and the oft-forgotten or outright ignored advance.
I got my first breaking the back door.
Stuck my hand through like magic, and twisted.
There was a crash.
The coy familiar beckon of spring, yard, and honeysuckle.
Squirrels conspiring and swearing in the pecan tree.
Came back red, and zig-zag all over my wrist. Like tiny tildas.
That's when I knew it was broken.
And so was I.