Hope- by any other name. Blog by Ick R Us
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Last people you hung out with?
uuuuh my dog? .. wait people... I hate people.

When's the last time you were surprised?
When someone told me they were 19 and not older >> God I'm old.

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
Tap water.

Do you prefer pasta, salad, or coleslaw?
Pasta, because I know how to cook it you fucktwits.

If you could have one wish what would it be?
Giant robots sounds pretty good... but more money than I need to research dev and build said robots is goodester- but then again, so is control overtime with control over aging. ... hey its time related.

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
Probably, but why would I? In fact... *pours a drink*

Who's bed were you on last?
Mine.

When was the last time you changed in front of someone?
Fuck, its been about 2 years.


Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships?
I'd rather be in love, but if I didn't die alone... and I'm fucking supermodels like Hef, who's to judge?

Last person you had a deep conversation with was?
*scratches his head* probably Chris.

Is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind?
There usually is.

Do you like to cuddle?
Only after sex, or on the couch leading up to making out, leading up to sex.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
yeah.

What's going on between you and the last person you kissed?
uuuuh- we're not on speaking terms, cuz she's a whackadoo and annoying.

Where is the person who has your heart?
Probably with her boyfriend, but that's okay I'll see her tomorrow at work. :/

Have you ever been awake for 2 days straight?
Five days.

What are you craving at the moment?
Soft serve frozen vanilla yogurt with whole roasted almonds.

Are you in a good mood right now?
Fairly. I could use some sex and icecream though.

Who was the last person you said i love you to?
My dog.

Where did you get your last bruise from?
My dog.

Are you looking forward to anything?
Coffee saturday morning.

What’s on your mind?
Not wanting to go to a party sunday afternoon. How I wish I had an excuse on the spot for the invite.


Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else?
*checks* Nope, though the silver dollar in my wallet was a gift from a dead man.

What is the last thing you did before finally falling asleep last night?
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh... did I crack one off? I think I woke up a few times, and eventually talked myself in logic circles til I fell asleep- what? it's like counting sheep only more productive.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
uuuuuuuh this would be before Marenna... *whistles* Aims. And that's goin way back. Still love you wiggles... but we all know how that goes... don't we?

What color shirt were you wearing when you had your last kiss?
Holy CHRIST! Who remembers this shit? ... I wasn't wearing it very long.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
It's always nice if someone does... unless those people annoy or repulse you- as they do in my case :/ well, the ones I can tell have a thing for me anyway- the ones I hope are into me is with fervent desperation.

Are you a patient person?
Oh my... No.



Are you happy when you woke up today?
I kinda was- but I had to go boom- and there wasn't enough time :(

Do you have a bad temper?
Not as bad as it used to be.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
*shrugs* the next chance I get my crush in an elevator and use my mind control.

In the past week, have you felt stupid?
Not really.

Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Power side! Woo! ... if you're not familiar with the term you probably haven't seen or participated in many sleep studies.

Your enemy is at your doorstep begging for forgiveness, what would you do?
Enemy? I don't really have a use for such a thing, though there are people I loathe, and forgiveness is for suckers. Everyone gets x amount of chances with me, if you're to that point its already over and you've already fucked me over enough times.


Are you waiting for anyone to call right now?
Nope.

Do you have a best friend?
Several.

Are you a jealous person?
Probably.

Are there any stressful situations in your life?
What most people would consider normal day to day life is like having a gun to my head- constantly. I hate people.

Is there anyone who will always have a place in your heart?
several.

What is something you wish you had more of?
Time... Sex. ... WHAT!? I've got a job, my dog loves me, the people that matter still matter and I still matter to them.

Does anyone know your password besides you?
Not anymore.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Not really.

Have you ever liked someone who didn't like you back?
HAH! ... god everyone has.

Do you currently have a hickey?
I do not. And I've interrupted sex to prevent getting one.

Have you ever felt replaced?
Yeah.

Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point and aren't around?

Tons.

Sick with a great many things.
Fever, nervous corkscrew guts.
Hacking, wheezing, sniffling sneezing.
Mostly sick with fear.
Mostly afraid to see you again.
Mostly afraid to leave things how they are.
Unspoken, assumed, and oft unreciprocated.

I need someone. I think we've established that.
The problem is, I only want one someone.
Now maybe the problem isn't so much that I'm broken.
Unable
Unwilling
Unmotivated.

I can feel, I have a name.
But for some reason this candle only lights for you.
A mere pinlight when you deserve a wildfire.

It's the best I can offer, fearing as I do
knowing what I know
sheltering what little I have
in such a vast darkness.

I fear that you already know...
and that smile is just a bandage on a missing limb.
Salve on cancer, ointment on a burn ward.

Would I be right in assuming that I can love you better than him?

I get pretty fucking loopy, pretty fucking easily as it is
drinking on top of anti-hystamines may not have been the best plan, but there's no NCIS on right now, and there's a stupid "protection mission" on AC4FA.

I'm in no mood to protect anyone.

It's past time to start another chapter, a new story, the person I even christened this blog for is ... gone... but I guess I was dragging my feet hoping to get a few thousand more views seeing as how my original blog has the fewest posts, and still the most views... weird.

The theme and sentiment died a long time ago...
I'm reluctant to christen the next page in her name, as ... I have less of a shot with her than any others in the past.

Sure people have affairs, sure I've lured women from their boyfriends before, this one seems... bigger, but it could all be in my head, and for the life of me I couldn't tell you what I'm feeling.

Still a big broad nothing really

sensations experienced without her are getting less intense by the day... I'm being dragged further into the debt and void of other people's lives

and I have not put on pants today.

Just thought I'd pass that on.

So, new process, new blog, new mission...
How did she show up as an impossible pillar just as I was searching for a new meaning in my life?
Coincidence?
Okhrams' razor?

I always need something impossible to do...
maybe I should set out to cure cancer next time.

Might be as futile, but more bragworthy.

Maybe I just need something to punish myself with.
Something pretty, and just out of reach.

Too bad these are all assumption based on my own outside evaluation of my own unknown feelings and intentions...

I guess I'm afraid of not knowing where and what I really feel... and I can't really make a line in the dirt about nothing...

In the meantime... I made a vaguely spanish putanesca...
and I'm gonna
move
before my head gets too detached.

How unremarkable this feeling has become.
Like slipped on fingers, like grey pancake batter.
There's nothing to see here.
There's nothing to save here.
I'm just a twisted razor
waiting for you to put me in your mouth.

Well, I've got a few before my lunch is ready so I thought I'd post my review of my second suit for AC 4; For Answer

Altruz, its a name I picked up very similar to another alias of mine that I used for a pilot handle in Gundam Crossfire.

It sounded like a good last name.

Anyway, Altruz is basically my response to the mid-weight champs on the duel rosters. Mid speed bipeds with mid-heavy payloads of versatile weaponry.

In other words guys with 70+ weaponry ratings, all around good distance and weapon synergy, technically sound units with decent speed and a ton of boost capacity- its pretty hard to outmaneuver them, but not impossible, and its even harder to outgun them, but not outsmart them.

You have to make a general assumption with these guys
since they're this high up, they're going to have ways of RIPPING through your defense, and then knocking you out.

This means one of two things, high fire rate low offense ballistics weapon to chip very rapidly through your shell, or a high output low fire rate long distance energy beam that says "what shell"?

there's no -good- solution to this other than high mobility and a balanced defense- if you can stay OUT of range of the machine gun ballistic chipper you can avoid most streams and turn them into short burst of damage, if you have high output burst speed like I do and high well rounded average speed, you can pretty much get out of range of machine guns in a hurry
as for the beam weaponry- if you hear it and you haven't started your boost, its probably too late- but you can likely determine their attack habbits and learn a pattern to dance-burst out of danger- or close the gap and make them uncomfortable with using a high cost/output beam weapon.

Resist the urge to singlemind your defense and make yourself virtually immune to energy or ballistic damage- these guys ALWAYS at this rank carry multiple weapon types, hell they usually have seeker missile barrages too.

Resist the urge to outlast these guys with armorpoints and defense
this is what my brother used to do, and it was a pretty solid strategy, he'd build a tank with a high defense/AP core with a HUGE weapon payload but that kinda got 86'ed the first time I maneuvered around him, jammed his radar and missiles and beam sabred his spine.

Ah... Black Rose... That was a good unit back before the change in mobility styles and perpetual boost.

It could outrun most missles without even boosting.

anyway, back to Altruz

So Altruz was built mostly out of necesity, sure Wickd Crickt was fast, balanced, and awesome

But like I said, you just eventually get completely outclassed in this game with most high speed builds.

High defense
Mid-high AP
Mid-high mobility
High aim correction/firing stability at medium range.
Gigas weapon payload for short engagements.

I really want a better firing computer, but at this time I have the best firing system for my weapons while sacrificing radar performance- sometimes its hard to see incoming missiles or my enemy's position, I'll see a radar blip rather than a constant refresh.

I'd say the blindspots and poor standard weapon lock on (but great lock-range) are my suits greatest failings.

Rather thand designing a 1-2 attack system (tear down defense and attack) I built basically a heavy barrage of ballistic weaponry.

On my right hand primary weapon I have my old sniper rifle (great range, superb accuracy/compensation, great attack power)
My right Shoulder a medium performance chain gun.
(The hand chaingun has a higher payload, damage rating, defense puncture, fire rate, but DAMNED if it isn't heavy)
Right hip my hold-out pistol
(for those "FUCK! I'm out of ammo" situations only)
On my left side primary hand weapon is my long blade
(mediocre damage but HUGE sweeping attack range, unlimited ammo so long as I have generator capacity, no bells, no whistles)
and my left shoulder is my old stand-by
my shoulder mounted- highest damage and ammo (but highest weight, slowest reload time and greatest recoil and second biggest blast radius) grenade launcher.

Now- the advantage to putting my sniper rifle in my right hand, and my grenade in my left is simple
I get to use both (with similar optimal attack ranges and firing styles) at the same damn time.

Would I -rather- have the chaingun in my main right hand, and the HUGELY powerful (but 1/2 ammo count) sniper rifle on my right shoulder?
You fucking bet I would...

I could lay down massive damage at medium range (and most of these guys can't avoid the aim compensation of my FCS/sniper rifle AND the blast radius of my grenade launcher even with outstanding piloting skills at that range)

Here's the general thought process.
Stagger with my sniper rifle and get a direct hit-medium grazing hit with my grenade launcher.
I get about 2 1/2 shots to every shot Sniper:grenade launcher.
If I keep dancing, and maintain my optimal range I have most high performing AP/Defense suits down in about 90 seconds.
High speeds and overboost biped types give me a smidge more trouble- but I'm usually left with 1/4th to 2/3rds my health as opposed to an outright blowout.

Versatility is a great thing
but if you're using energy weapons or speed- I'm going to tick your boost capacity down with a hailstorm of bullets from my chain gun, and hit you with one fucking grenade round and close the match.

Long distance types are scary, you've got doomsday devices- I haven't changed my high performance high cost boosters and I STILL don't use energy weapons for that reason, so I can dodge your pewpewmax. I close the gap- you panic and stop firing, and then you die.

Highspeeds are annoying, but you can't take me down with any kind of weapon layout because I know the optimal range of your weaponry and operate outside or inside of it while you flap around frantically trying to regain your optimal range. I can dodge too :P Also- see above, I know how to take out your speed, I know how to kill you in one shot.

I even had a guy that would fly OVER me, turn and barrage, had a shotgun style, fire/forget rocket barrage, and machine gun.

One qboost backwards and I was outside of his dispersal range, and hit him with a riposte before he was even done turning.

So what did I lose in changing from my standard to what I'd consider heavy for me?

About a 10-15% drop in mobility.
150-210% defense penetration
and an all around strategic advantage and offensive capability increase while maintaining the same performance type of my previous design

Energy is for boost, not pewpew.
Even if the pewpew is AWESOME.

Grenade launcher is love.

Now, its not as comfortable or as nostalgic as my highspeed low weapon capacity designs of yesteryears, but damn, you can't win with those things against these monsters.

Options options options, don't plan around your optimal range, adapt around theirs. You are not singleminded, you cannot anticipate every move, build to recover from it instead.

Just like my magic decks, my FPS style, and my roleplaying/strat teams.

Balance... only not really.

 

It's cool again, like swimming in iced lemonade.
Only it smells like october, only it tastes like december.
I watched a cricket saunter as he serenaded.
Not surrendering to innevitability.

You will perish, long before you could scatter every seed, kiss every rose, sample every flavor.

I pressed the tip of my shoe over his wirey legs, and retro antenae with a brisk crunch.

Not something I normally do, but I felt the need
the call
to end his life with a much more merciful method of mortis
much better to see it coming, blame me rather than god for your brevity on this aimless adrift clod of metals and mud.
I'm much more likely to give a damn.

Just ask him who you should have prayed to when you get there.

Just when I thought I had her worked out.
Passed like a stone, blocked and glazed like an immunization
she managed to meander back into my meager miscalculated misery.

You came by, smiles and a trail of rosy scent announced with such a final stomping strut.
And we talked, at your insistence
about some of the simplest things.

Habbits, ticks, concentration... not mentioning that I have none so long as my heart is slammed against my ribs everytime you pass by like a poodle creamed on the inside of a windshield after slamming the brakes.

I feel a rush, but for the first time in my life it isn't panic
its a hit
a lingering stroll through the poppies
a six year stint in a den of sweat-caked walls and echoing squeaky bed frames.

Have you noticed I haven't touched you
under even the most casual circumstances
to ensure you don't vanish into smoke and scattered, escaping memories.

I wanted it to last forever, but I found myself having to carry a real conversation, while the rest of me was
somewhere else

it was warm and inviting
a magical place of endless epidermal wonder.

And you had to go
through no fault of my own or yours,
some greater schema, some grander mission
but there was a token exchange of things in our hands
I daresay I've never clutched a desktoy with such fervent intent and heartbroken silence in quite some time.

Have I spared you this my little violinist?

(wanna save yourself about 20 minutes of rant?
short answer: Personalized Mech JOYGASM!)

So... I dropped in on my local game store and picked up the Armored Core 4 (one of my all time favorite game franchises of ever- where you build mobile suits and do tedius missions- and fight AWESOME one on one duels) "For Answer"
basically the version 1.12 of the 4th in the series.

There are a TON of armored core games.
The numeric rules do not apply here- kinda like grand theft auto.
If you think about it

Grand theft auto Liberty City stories, San Andreas, and Vice City are ALL Gta III (because they share the same engine... a vastly improved engine from game to game- but the same engine)

I could go into another HOUR of explaining the progress of this game from point A to point ... Zeta, but there's not really a point because ... I don't even think a fellow ludologist would really care all that much.

AC 1 and variants, AC 2 with awesome duel only game PS1 -> AC3 PS2-> PS3 AC4
The combat has become about 100 times faster (I used to build what were blindingly fast suits that could dodge bullets... ten years later and my suit is just "meh- kinda fast")
Savy?

The missions were SO much better on the PS 1 versions, they weren't just 3 minute sweeper missions, they actually had a cohesive story, ace pilots trying to kill you, ladder climbing, etc.

So...
AC4
3 minute sweeper missions and
300000 minutes of custom tuning, AC tests, diagnostics, and more tuning.

I've had the game since 5:30, I've completed 4 missions, 4 duels.
*twitch*
I had to get my stabilizers and paint job done right.
Recoil recovery is important
*moretwitch*

I can't even REMEMBER the names of my old suits, hell I know several playthroughs I didn't even name them.

But allow me to introduce my first suit- just barely out of the box (you don't have access to even 1/15th of the parts this early in the game)

The "Stray"
which is actually the same default high speed suit I used at the beginning of Vanilla AC4. Cone themed high speed machine gun unit with midrange mid damage lazer sword, long range low capacity high damage "energy grenade launcher", mid-low armor points, high defense/recovery.

I got about 1/4th the way through the game with this suit in AC4 just slightly adapting the weaponry, and changing the legs out for more run speed (run speed is completely obsolete now- 90% of the time you're using your barely depleting boosters to skate around)

I got through most of the duel levels with it.

So needless to say, I'm fairly comfortable with highspeed units using damage overtime with a melee option

I guess I kinda took it from some of the high rankers in AC1. They tended to have a great beam sword, a great (but low ammo- wide dispersal) shoulder cannon, and one average machine gun (back in my day we couldn't put a machine gun or a shotgun at every feesable orifice by gum)

Eventually I find these suits completely outclassed by the FREAK WEAPONS I encounter like

*slumps head*
Mirv launchers with about a seeking 20 warhead dispearsal, accompanied by a lazer bazooka that can disrupt my radar and... blow through a city block.

Yeah- this shit is in the game.
No, I don't like using em.

This is a limited payload environment.
You deploy with your ammo, you do NOT get more per mission.
I never made a suit that couldn't at least thunk something to death.
No lazer sword- no ammo
means NO offensive capabilities.

And yeah- I've won fights just outrunning warheads and stabbing a dry suit to death.

Also- energy weapons have this ... counterintuitive thing to my strategy
energy weapons syphon from your generator,
you know what else does?
your boosters-
those blasty rockets on your ass that make it POSSIBLE to outrun/outmaneuver the


SCARY DEATH RAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess I'd rather run and regroup than ... use something that's obviously a war crime.


So what I innevitably wind up doing
when I just start getting outclassed by tac-nukes and doomsday devices
I just buy >>
as much standard weaponry as I can carry and still run away.

My variant of the Stray wound up having a high damage mid capacity sniper rifle with great aim compensation (even if they outmaneuver computer compensated and hit em anyway) a standard (as in no electric kerplooey storm- instead just a FIRE STORM!!! PEWWWWW!!) grenade launcher, and a long blade mid damage lazer sword. Minor adaptations to the frame all around, but ultimately retaining its base design.

Then someone robbed me
after getting to the SAME point in that game for the FIFTH time due to theft, formats, water being poured into the system, I had restarted too many times

I gave up!
And bought For Answer.

Introducing
The Wicked Cricket.

>>
What? He's got an awesome green-chrome finish, and his head antenae look like a bugs', and so do these big long elec grenade launchers on his shoulders.

He looks like a cricket- if a japanese mad man transformed him into a mech.

He's 90% starter/first upgrade gear.
He... by definition sucks.
The diagnostic tool rates him a C+ at best.

The diagnostic tool will LIE TO YOU!!!

He's mostly "Stray", but I've swapped his machine gun for a rifle with 3x the damage per bullet with about 80% of the ammo.
Yeah >> net gain to offensive capacity.
Not to mention
Increased penetrative properties
greater bullet velocity
greater aim correction (fewer missed shots at a higher damage, hmmmm)
but a MUCH lower firing rate
much higher lock on distance.

So if I'm not chin to chin with someone- this gun sucks by comparison.

Oh gee what a pity >>

See the diagnostic tool that rates your offensive/mobility/defensive abilities kinda rates part synergy instead of applicable damage output.

In other words, there are certain suits that have a 90% offensive capability, which means

based on their targeting computer
leg speed
close quarters weapon
wide dispersal SUPER long range missiles that... NEVER hit because a snail can out run the blast radius after they spread that far
and his mega sweet bazooka with... 20 rounds that has a SLOW projectile speed

yeah- he's got this radius around him where he is theoretically threatening at all angles, at all ranges- with at least one of his weapons.

It doesn't work that way.
Sure... if I'm standing still
have zero missile countermeasures (you bet your ass those are in the game)
and if I'm just not paying attention

sure
this guy might take me out.

Since I use standard weaponry my projectiles travel FAST
since I build for speed and don't drain my capacitor with anything but boost, I can outrun you, and I can usually outrun anything without a MASSIVE explosive radius- and even then, I have overboost for that >>
I fly, I circle, I hover at MY effective range and ping you with fairly average weaponry, you try to nail me with a gigantor cannon
and either it takes a few seconds to fire (so I can move out of line of sight) or I'm already WAY the hell out there, and I have to move... just barely to disrupt the line of fire by a WIDE margin.

Now- I used to be able to actually circle- and just backstab and just used my rifle/machine gun to chip

now since boost is this new system of perpetual skating, its not so easy to outmaneuver and rape.

I'm having to retrain. Not the end of the world, but I think my theory is still sound.
Now if I just had a psychotic partner with a pentient for heavy weaponry in close quarters and high surviveability

oh wait

that guy is totally my friend Chris...but he doesn't own this game-
and this game has full online coop.

You should've seen us in BF2142.
We were GODS.
Sure, we always had Pugs versus clans, and had a losing record- but we were top scorers, highly decorated and well

Gods.

2 guys in a 16-64 player map can't stop the sky from falling :/

My style translates in this game franchise and others.
I'd prefer to be unseen and untouchable, but hey- people spend a LOT of time learning anti-snipe, so I have to be more of a rifleman that fires and fades.
It sucks, but that's how it is.
More often than not, game balance is so paranoid of snipers that they're made virtually unplayable when placed side by side with an assault character.

So the Wicked Cricket's current payload

2 electric grenade launchers (no other option at this time :/ and I need to kill these big rich honkies FAST)
10 shots each, wide dispersal huge damage

high damage mid capacity high accuracy rifle (could be higher but I'm not that far in the game)

mid-high damage mid sweep range lazer sword (sometimes these damn things just lunge or have a punch range- and this game is NOT set up for such systems, you need a WIDE sweep if you're not really damn good or really damn stationary, my last beam sabre had almost a full 360 sweep that was longer than my AC's body, I miss it, everyday)

mid-high AP mid recovery head-torso

mid-low AP high recovery arms, high energy weapon skill,

high turn speed, mid-high run speed, mid recoil recovery legs

High performance (which means high drain) boosters
low capacity high boost duration and energy recovery generator (don't need a lot of capacity for energy weapons since ... I usually don't use the damn things.)

I don't even have my tuner points unlocked yet
these are values you can use to allocate improvements to your suit that are otherwise not available to the factory standard properties of your suit.

In other words- you WANT 2 grenade launchers- but your feeble lil legs won't carry that AND your battle axe
FUCK!

... just spend some points to raise your maximum weight capacity.

I'll probably wind up allocating these how I always do
making sure I never ever ever run out of boost.
Doomsday devices are bad.

So *puts his hand on his chin*

Read all this?
Have a boner for mechs?
Have a PS3?
Have this game?
Have wireless internet?
Love me?

If you answered "yes" to more than one of these questions
we should play.

I have no idea what I've been doing for the last two hours.
I think I cooked, cleaned, and did laundry.

I'm stuck in autopilot, and this is something I've been meaning to think about ...
again

in blog form.

Yeah, yeah, I do this at least twice a week.

There are things going on right now that I really don't wanna fucking deal with
like
I lost my paycheck- HAHAHAHA .... yeah.
I'm 99% sure I left it in my desk, but that 1% made my weekend suck.
Furthermore, I'm having to poof out my money
as in magic trick without the scantily clad girls.
Brake lights is at least going to be a couple hundred because *flops over to one side* they have to run an electrical system diagnostic.
I'm being charged a security deposit for 140 by my electric company because someone that has paid their bills late, on time, or ... all of them for five years is some sort of ... risk?
Fuck your monopoly by the way.

Next up we need doggy shots and roids for her allergies.

Also shit I don't want to deal with because it takes a couple hours and costs a couple hundred.
Yeah yeah, shut it, I'll do it, I love my dog, but I'm still pissed because there's too much shit on top of it

like paying back some old debts.

I owe about 3k (half of which is CAR SHIT! WEEEEEEEEE!).
I want it cleared.

I guess cuz I'm a nice boy like that.

My paychecks this month are completely spoken for.
*devil horns ... jack off motion*

Meanwhile my sister in law totaled my brother's car.
Like money wasn't already tight for them.

If I were to tally right about now...
bills are going to be around 400$ with that deposit bullshit
we'll say 450
dog stuff probably around 230
car
...
*sigh* could be up to another $700
but I'm betting around another 200
saying I don't find my paycheck, -400
I'm down 2 possibly 3 paychecks right there, and I haven't even started on the paybacks.

How the hell do people ever get ahead in this world?
Make one stupid mistake like losing a paycheck, crashing your car, not having health insurance, investing in the housing market














God I'm tired of this shit.
Tired of me getting fucked over, my family getting fucked over.

Why the hell did I go to college instead of moving to a rural village in Italy? No... France... No... Italy...
No
St. Thomas.

At least I wouldn't own anything to get screwed out of.





















Meanwhile, I seek the meaning of life.
It's only been a couple months of singledom and a couple months of employment, but I got that thing recently where I wanted to stay home and NOT get paid pretty bad this week.
Might have something to do with abandoning all hope with me and a certain mocha skinned beauty, might have everything to do with the fact that I am STILL underemployed.

I don't work too hard, and I have very few people wigging their shit on me (course I was working my freak cases so my reviewer was blowing a gasket over the shit I was leaving out or attempting to adjust- or just not knowing how to fucking adjust) so yeah
I had this sword of damacles thing goin with his whiny bullshit.

I need to be making about twice what I'm making now
not because I deserve it
but because I deserve it.

... think about that for a second.

Alright second's up.

I didn't spend that much time, that much juice, and that much frustration to make 150% of the new minimum wage.

I need the cash, I need the hammock, I need the girl
I want to break my chains
and start earning what I worked for.

blah blah blah work experience
yeah,
I get that part, but I can work in about any environment doing much harder shit than what the execs do, just fucking pay me people.
I want to get out of here.

And you don't need to fucking know where.

I dunno what to say.
I dunno what to think.

That'd be a multi-million dollar poem in itself if I just happened to be Rembrandt.

Why are the rules different for paintings?

Because you can always reprint what I've said?
Recite, recall, rescript?

How unfortunate for me, but you
you get the gift that keeps on giving.

Phone keeps ringing.
Probably something important but I don't think I'm picking it up anyway.

Besides there's a bit of a mess on my fingers.

No bloody hobby knife, no kitchen sheers or paint, charcoal's in the bin, and to my recollection I'm not banging my digits in any strange orifices

Oh for it to be

any of those things...

"Yeah?"
... so I caved. I ran out of good reasons not to pick it up, just selfish ones like - leave me the fuck alone.

"Are you home?"

fuck.
compulsive truth telling in
3
2

"yeah"
"can you let me in?"

as usual the house is a fucking bomb of moldy dishes, dog hair, and drool spots either from mastiff jowels or passed out pantsless alchoholics

but

"sure hang on a sec"
I pop the front door open and flop into my recliner. Self defense mechanism I think. Keeps anyone else from sitting in my favorite chair if its the first thing I hit after opening the door.

Some people just knock.
Some people call before they drive -all- the way across town.
Some people have something important to say.

This person wishes he had a drink.

She kept standing. Not a good sign. Arms crossed, didn't set down that giant bag of hers, adjusting her jaw like she's unhinging it to bite my head off

here it comes

"we need to talk"
fuck.
"the we need to break up talk, or I left the seat up talk?"
I say with my greasiest, smarmiest smile.
"will you be serious one fucking time?"
"No." I say matter-of-factly. I put my finger through her belt loop and pull
there's no argument on earth that's worth having, hence why I normally skip the dialogue and just go for sex and apology dinner
in that order.

She gives me that puffed up lazer-eye bit, bats my hand away
She even goes so far as to turn and start stomping out.

Why such resolve?
I catch her by a very thin wrist and she whirls.

I didn't catch one in the jaw... I guess a few bad experiences had taught me to expect it by now.

When she started I tensed
and I think she remembered something I had told her
something to the effect of me being a bit of a fixer upper.

Clenched fists turned to flat palms over my heart
that ginormous bag of hers fall with a clang on the hardwood
and if I didn't know any better I'd wager those wet spots on my shirt were tears.

"I can't do this any more."
I am a bad
bad man.
I scritch her back, think to myself how to salvage the sex, or at least ... everything.

Don't yank my life from under me.
Even if I stole it from somebody else.

A hand through her hair, grazing a strand back behind her ear, pulling her chin up to look at me instead of her shoes.

I just always thought I looked better than pumps.
And I'm smiling at that thought, and I'm watching my future in her eyes.

"What'd you tell him this time?"
She worms a hand up to her eyes and brushes them dry.
"I'm shopping"
... I was going to give her that belt ... and an entire rack from victoria's secret.

You get smart about this shit after a while
"Take a seat"
I wander off into the bedroom, grab the plastic sack off my hamper and hand it to her.

and yes, there is some sick thrill to her wearing underthings I picked out when she's with him.

... I didn't tell her to sit in my recliner but I find myself quickly forgiving her, thumbing fresh salt water off her face as she's fallen apart again.
Sobs this time, hacking, sniffing, practically hiccupping.

I wonder what she's more upset about...

"I'm not going to stop loving you." I say to her forehead, can't say it to her face if she won't turn her chin up when I put my finger under it.
Can't kiss her.
Must not.

A big shuddering sigh.
"I'm not either."
I've heard that one before.
"c'mon kid"
I stand her up, either out of chivalry or because that bitch is in my chair...

her hands fall limp to her side, her face planted again in my chest.
She can't stop shaking.
"Hey-"
I don't know why that word always works
but it does
ask any of em
there's some kind of magic behind it.

She looks up. Misty, beautiful, tragic.
Irresistable.
Expectant.
Can not
must not.

Last two people on earth when we kiss.

So much more to it this time














almost as if




























The last?
The first?

Fit

Wanted to tell you a story.
Wanted to tell you what it was all about.
Wrote you a picture.
Drew you a song.

Forget the reason.
Understood the work.
Undersold the trivia.
Marked the wrong box.

Fell into a big pile of crackling bubble wrap
called it safe
called it family til the last bubble popped.

worked into a froth
poured over cyanide
wrathed into a knot
taught to be forgot.

I never thought it was going to come down to this.
Something like splitting a bill over a vaccuum tube to terminate.
I'd tell you all about it.
But I hope it isn't true.

Strange men
strange darts
strange smells

like a hair change, or an orange into jasmine

you just know
you just know

and I could tell you all about it.

but there's a deep portion that I fake

like smiling sycophants in bad suits shaking hands and fidgeting in an uncomfortable chair

they're behind oak
you're sitting on cardboard

hardly makes a damn

we all make food.
at the end.

For one or another, or a god damn colony.
Nothing out, nothing in.
Self contained system of birth and death.

Self contained
only my share is spilling from my hands
like amber juice on red checkerboard table cloths
and clattering plastic forks.

Unreciprocated.
Undrank.

Just a spill
just a stain
just a sticky spot between the pages.

HeartbrokenNo justice. No peace.
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