Icarus's blog: "Augurs, Martyrs, and Agnostics"

Gotta say, I had higher hopes for the Charlie Sheen roast.

 

... what?

Oh.

Nah, seriously, that shit looked thrown together, bunch of nobodies and a slapdash production with a few jabs that have been done funnier on forum posts, the highlight was of course the three (out of what, 12?) funny people involved.

One of them was John Lovitz.

The other two were William

Fucking

Shater.

 

...

okay some credit to Seth.

 

But seriously- that was chop steak at best.

 

Had a couple bourbons tonight.

Had a lot on my mind the last... month.

 

I dunno.

I could use a cigar and a consolation prize on the side.

I'm just not very excited right now.

Played about 30 hours of Dragon Age, and I stand by my previous statements on the topic

Never Winter Nights 2 without the bugs, crashes, 30 minute loading screens, and kobold killing

more blood

more party member whining (for better and worse)

and intentional underwear scenes.

 

I did intentionally initiate a romance with the bisexual elf in the group.

That was probably the hardest I've ever laughed while playing a western RPG.

The heinous RAPE and dingy (I meant dingy) NPC's though...

*sigh*

Bioware- script better bots.

 

Seriously, you went from fairly smart, unsophisticated behaviour in NWN and its been pretty downhill ever since

if you insist on giving me a party, and insist on having me fight elder dragons and hellbeasts

at least afford me the common courtesy of support characters that don't go wandering off and get caught on ledges while running down a backrow archer or mage.

 

Damn

DAMN site better than NWN2- that shit was... unplayable awful.

I remember the bots getting hung up on doors in noncombat for fuck's sake.

Game stopping path issues.

 

I went ahead and spent the extra 20 minutes fixing the "default" and preset behaviours/talents.

I have noooooo idea why my roguebardarcher... whatever the fuck you guys made her

I have no idea why she won't -only- use melee weapons when engaged in melee range- and

actually USE archer skills all other instances, or remain in the backrow taking pot shots while the VERY heavilly armored tank refuses to use his stun abilities without me beating the idea into her lumpy skull

and I don't know why this wasn't something figured out before the game was in my hands, by default, by the game's designers- the people most intimate with said product

 

KOTOR probably had the best bioware group system.

Midfight pause

any time

pick a couple talents, a couple opening shots, or a healing sequence, or a buff sequence, or a mass stun/area damage sequence

coordinate it with all of my guys

unpause.

Like we were some...

group unit with cohesive tactics with veteran fighting experience and teamwork or something-

only

controlled

by one entity... say a deity

or the playcer character.

 

Next you're going to tell me Dragon Age HAS that and I was just too bored from skipping dialogue and menu tutorials to let that sink in?

Well I'm sorry, my brain can only retain so much information about the lore of supporting character/throwaway extra in a society of a town of a family of a person of a deity of a swamp per fucking day!!!

TOO MUCH TALKING!!!

 

If Demon's Souls is my favorite "implied plot" game, then most bioware games are the antithesis of such a notion.

That's

not

necessarilly

a

bad

thing.

 

... but I really don't give a flying fuck about an order of ninjaspybards from France, or your 20 hours of expository diarhea peggy sue sob story about your dead mom!!!

 

Here's what I need to know.

The world is fucked!

Arch Demon, bad!

Typical fellowship gathering quests (go to one of 6 places- do a BUNCH of bullshit that does not matter, get ONE recruit/area to fight an ARMY)

High fantasy sparkles~

Make out with the first girl that joins your party.

Kill the ineffective recurring minibosses.

Kill a ton of trash mobs.

Kill the arch demon.

You are the king/greatest/never heard from again/nobley sacrificed/corrupted by the power you were intended to destroy so you can be the bad guy in the sequel but never actually show up in the sequel because there's just too many damned loose canonical ends to tie up

CREDITS!

Do it again with a different build, background, gender, starting area?

 

Now its a blessing and a curse that Bioware has given you an incentive, other than ass callouses to sit and listen attentively to every fucking characters' biography with dialogue options that piss them off or flatter them

You get extra quests, unlock new jobs, unlock new upgrades, get free gear, see something hilarious like an elf pantamiming fellatio on my skinny mage character

but its a double edged sword

if this WASN'T here- I'd ignore it completely- or, in rare cases, with a particularly interesting character I might sit through it

but now-

having played so many of these, I usually skip through the 20 minute conversations, select the most kissass or flirtatious (depending on my relationship or prudeness of the person talking) response possible, and know that eventually the extra trinkets cut scenes, and experience will wander into my path.

 

I've become a veritable speed reading cliche detector from all of this.

 

And yes, these games do tend to follow a comfortable formula.

Also not necessarily a bad thing.

 

But I am a bit aware of it, maybe from all the reading, and critiquing I do.

 

Long of the short of the long of the long of the short?

 

Some bloodspray, bras, thongs, blue humor, and an omnisexual walking erection of an elf does not make for a "Bioware Dark Fantasy". You made a high fantasy story (a genre we're all quite familiar with) with a flirtation of adult/dark elements in it.

 

You did make a good Baldur's Gate sucessor (arguably its ALL that you make), you did make me laugh, you have updated the actors, voice acting, graphics, gameplay, mechanics, environment, and generally raised the bar of the western RPG alchemy, a bar that you had already set.

Kudos.

 

But this was NOT something you should have made in lieu of KOTOR 3.

That's right, not ever letting you live that down-

and I still think this MMO business is... misguided.

 

So what can I honestly say about Dragon Age that I haven't already said about

KOTOR

KOTOR II

Baldur's Gate

Balduer's Gate 2

Fallout BOS

Mass Effect

Mass Effect 2

Mass Effect 3

Neverwinter Nights

NWN 2

Alpha Protocal

. . . and the 6 expansions for each of those franchises

 

I can't find anything...

but you know what

I'm not counting anything against Bioware for that. Its an amusing game, but I have already played it.

I'll just think of it as a benevolent, well intentioned BG/NWN sidestory for the twenty and thirty somethings, and not a mad dash to cash in on Bioware loyalists buying another clone. I'd probably judge more harshly if I had actually paid for this game.

But this is your last freeby guys, you're on notice to actually produce something radically new and not just a redelivery of your dialogue driven tl dr D20 video game platform in a weird setting, or at least a once per decade opus like NWN.

 

And I heard DA 2 was a pile of turds, would you prefer I not count that, and your MMO heresy against you as well?

 

Also

I KINDA hate having to bring a rogue along.

I do in tabletop- and I do here.

At this point I'd say its just a standing principle of mine.

No light armor walking lockpicks unless they are the baddest murderiest sexiest people in the party (refer to the time I made HK, the murderbot into my lock picker).

And I usually try to pick the least annoying one in the bunch- in KOTOR that just so happened to be the character with no dialogue, no backstory, no personality, no side quest, no "I dunno if we should rape, pillage and rob, your bossness" or "you simpering pissant why'd you help those people that were on fire?" scenes, and that individual somehow managed to be my second favorite character in an ensemble game.

Draw your own fucking conclusions.