The words in my head are screaming to be set free and so here i sit.....struggling to type some form of understanding. My heart pounding so hard i can litterly hear it over the music im playing, my fingers shaking with anticipation. I feel as if im floating above myself watching and scrutinizing every attempt to portray this numbing combination of emotion and urgency of release. Its truly a mind boggling experience to be consumed so much with thought and yet blocked from expressing it. My head is begging me to let go but my heart says its not time. Is it something stronger than myself? A force so surreal in existence that it has no definition? Have i gone crazy and everyone knows it but me? Sometimes i wonder if its everyone else living my life and im just the audience, only allowed to sit back and watch.
Do you ever feel in life that your meant for something great? Im not talking about success or fame...that is only a material existence. Im referring to the idea perhaps of truly touching someone, something in such a way that by doing so it forms a domino effect in turn causing said something "great".
I realize this seems rather strange to some but to those people that feel so passionately, need so intensely, want so majesticly...that words are no longer just emotions spoken from your lips or written on paper but instead are the very life line, the most tremendous outlet to this phenonmenal existence. Words to us are like the veins that pump blood to your heart....without it we are nothing.
Now on to the things my heart will share:
Over the last few yrs i have attended school off and on for various different career paths but ultimately felt empty about each decision. Id get a job and use this as an excuse to pull away from school while i searched myself for answers. Its humorously ironic that as many times as ive "searched myself " im still so completely lost.....either im extremely deep or rather incredibly hollow that nothing is there. Yes, this is my attempt at achieving a slight giggle...work with me, its 1am. Inevitably art is my passion..writing, photography,music, creativity is an extreme importance in my life but unfortunately these things wont support myself and 2 children. As much of a free spirit i am, im also realistic enough to know when it comes to my family im ultimately going to have to choose a path and for once embrace it for what it is.
In my dream world im away from all the chaos, im surrounded by my children and the people i love, the scenery is breathtaking and the air is full of hope, everything wonderful that now exists and every memory i keep inside me fills me with inspiration, im financially comfortable enough that i can just be, my creativity is fueled by my emotions and my life and for the very first time my heart opens and the pen in my hand has its way with the paper like long lost lovers on a spring day, i breathe in the scent of freedom and my ideas burst from inside like a raging river that cleanses all the unsaid, unkept, unsatisfied ties that have binded me.....wow just saying this out loud is almost criminal, picturing the possibilities , closing my eyes and allowing want to take over is like a crazy euphoric mental orgasm.
Ive taken this about as far as it can go, the rest i hope to one day share with another such as myself. There are some parts of me that i hold sacred from the rest of the world...i hold onto it as if its a gift, an unopened part of love that only a best friend, a soul-mate can open....We all exist but its why we exist that makes it all an adventure, if you over think it you go crazy, if never think about it at all...it ends..but if you think about it with others only then does it become a life.
Thx 4 Reading...
