People ask "how are you doing" and i always say good, they ask "whats new with you" and i always say same o same o, they ask "havent seen you around much" and i always respond with just busy with work and life. I avoid the truth, i always try to sound happy and i carry around a fake smile with the hope my outgoing personality and silliness cover the pain and fear in my heart. Fact is a person can only be so strong, can only carry so much before it becomes too overwhelming and all you want is to be told everything is going to be ok, all you want no all you need is to be hugged and hear in someone's voice understanding and compassion without the undertones of pity. People face extreme obstacles everyday, yes we have friends but why burden others when they have their own life to deal with, how can one allow themselves to lean on another without coming off as needy or attention craved. I always try to be a good friend, ive said many times i have a hero complex to the point i neglect my own self just to be able to give to others and its pride stripping when its time to be a hero for yourself and all your doing is falling apart. Ive done good until now, ive accepted the weight of my circumstances and ive remained positive knowing one is not given more than one can handle. Ive been the responsible mother showing my children only strength and hiding outcomes so not to worry them. Ive worked thru the doctors orders and in the most pain because i do have lil girls that depend on me for all their needs, nobody else is going to do it and nobody else should, thats an oath i took the day i became blessed as a mother and not just a woman. Ive not had an easy life, ive had to fight from birth and im still fighting to get to the light at the end of the tunnel because i refuse to believe ive made it this far just for it to end without at least one great thing happening for me, without the complete satisfaction of happiness, without proving to my children that making it thru the struggle and never giving up holds the gift of euphoria.
The last couple years have been hell but these last 3 months has become something i cant even describe, hell would be a vacation. Im not going to go into to detail, i refuse to allow anyone to feel sorry for me as i know that i am still alive and people fight this fight every day. Life isnt fair and as low as it may go there is always someone out there who has it far worse. The true test is knowing deep within this obstacle lays a great lesson, something that when learned can only make me stronger and i welcome that.
This is just a rant, a vent to release pent up frustrations, my way of standing on a moutaintop and screaming to the top of my lungs that this is my life and i am in control.
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Hello friends im at the toll road and figured it was time to throw out the coins. So many people have asked me why im not on much anymore and there are a couple reasons. #1 im working like crazy and im usually just done when i get home and then the main reason #2 I have a very old laptop that was givin to me and many things on this site lag's me like crazy and im just to impatient to deal with it after work. Since i do have an awesome job and my last couple checks went to my girls on school clothes and supplys and the fact all my bills are caught up, i decided it was time to treat myself and so did my mommy :D. She has a dell account and told me to build the laptop i wanted and she'd pay for half of it and allow me to make the payments on the rest or just pay it off, whatever i decided. I think its the new meds the doc put her on because she ordered herself one too and she has no clue about computers LOL.
Anyway im hoping it arrive's tomorrow so ill have the weekend after work to play on it. Some of you know im in the process of writing a book and its been incredibly hard on the old laptop so im excited to get everything moved and started on the new one. It also has the built in webcam so i can play in my free-time without getting pissed off about the lag and just saying ferk it.
So is anyone else now wanting a rice crispy treat due to the title? I know i am....
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Hello fubar its me Psyche, i have an issue..dillema..situation or whatever the hell ya wanna call it. Ya see i met this really hot guy a few yrs ago and we hit it off immediately..well in a sexual sense. I wasnt ready for a relationship and he had just gotten out of one so we became fwb's. It worked out great, id go see him whenever i wanted, get satisfaction and leave. We never really conversated or spent time doing anything except sex and to be honest that was just the way i liked it. Then out of nowhere he began wanting me to stay over, not liking when id just get up and leave but i couldnt handle that and so i ended it. Funny thing is we started randomly talking from time to time after that and it was kind of nice. Shortly after i lost my brother and i completely shut down and closed everyone out of my life for quite some time, just didnt have it in me to be anything to anyone anymore. Well a few months ago he contacted me and we've been talking ever since and yes having lots of that sex stuff. Its odd but we also hang out, watch movies and omg yes..we talk about things..lots of things and ive learned stuff about him i never knew and vice versa. We have also learned that we have completely different senses of humor but in a silly way its hilarious because we look at each other like WTF! I still refuse to spend the night with him and he doesnt like that too much. He always tries to cuddle so i usually wait til he falls asleep and then i leave, i know thats probably not nice but it works for me. Tuesday night after work i went to see him and after we humped like rabbits i let him hold me and it was nice, too nice i think, in fact i almost fell asleep kind of nice and i didnt like that feeling. So i start getting dressed and he throws me back on the bed and says in the sweetest voice..stay with me and so we have sex again LOL. Anyway after we were done i told him i couldnt and so i left. This is were it gets really scary...he has only met my girls once and it was purely accident because i dont bring men around my girls and ive never met his son or his little girl because me and him just arnt like that ya know. So anyway last night he calls and tells me he has his little girl and asked if me and my girls wanted to come up and that the kids could hang out and watch movies. He also suggested we stay the night, he said it would be late and the girls would probably fall asleep watching movies and there would be no need to get them back out. Of course he threw in that after they were asleep we could sneak in the shower and have some fun...who am i kidding that was my very first thought as well lmao. However i just couldnt do it, me meeting his kid, him being around mine, our kids playing together..how would i explain that? Me actually staying over and falling asleep with him, waking up to that..what if i really really liked it? Gah! just too much to digest and so i came up with a million excuses as to why that wasnt a good idea and i think i hurt his feelings. He texted me this morning but now he is being kind of cold and nonchalant but i suppose i deserve that. Anyway wtf is wrong with me? I lay in bed all the time wishing i had someone next to me, i long to have that emotional connection with someone. Im ready to be in a relationship, i do want someone to call my own but when the opportunity arises i run like hell. I dont know, maybe i cant do it with him because my heart knows he isnt the one even if my head says he could be. Maybe im just fucked up...that is all.
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Hello fu friends, sittin here bored and figured id share some thoughts and happenings with you. So as most of you know by that lovely annoying birthday alert feature that my bday is saturday..woohoo! Now im super excited about it for several reasons but then a lot of things hit me that i suppose i just decided to ignore. Let me explain a little....So im going to be 30 and i truly believe that these will be my best years yet and you know what, they will be. However today out of the blue it hit me that my brother took his life one week after he turned 30 and whats even weirder is that his birthday had fell on a saturday too and it was one week after on a saturday that he died. Now i know this has no relevance but rather a huge odd coincindence but it still makes me think of him and brings me back to that place all over again of "wtf was he thinking". Then i think how sad it is that im so happy at the exact moment in his life when he so wasnt. In a way i almost feel guilty about the difference between my life and his but although its hard to pull myself out of that thought process i know that he would want me happy and that even though his life stopped mine has to go on.
Ok so ive got that off my chest now so ill share some happy things with you. My daddy has decided that he wants to come up and visit me and the girls for my bday :). He lives in Ga so i never get to see him, as a matter of fact ive not seen him since my brother's funeral. He is also bringing my step- mom this time whom i love and adore as my own mother and ive not seen her in over 5yrs since i moved up here. Im most excited about her seeing the girls because they have grown so much and im so proud of them, i just wanna show them off. Maybe its childish but it makes me all warm and fuzzy that for the 1st time since i was a baby im going to be with both my mom and my dad on my birthday lol. Ive always said i was a dork, get over it. What else...oh yeah so my friends have decided that i need to have a bday party and i absolutely agree because the last 2yrs i was unable to walk do to surgeries and i did nothing but sit at home in the bed with casts on my leg. Hmm i know im missing something,....OH YEAH!! So my best friend whom is unable to get pregnant on her own for lots of medical reasons and has been trying for almost 2yrs now with her hubby..is PREGGERS :) her 1st ultrasound is aug 5th. Now she is the last of us to have a kid so everybody is very excited and happy for her, especially me because im having really bad baby fever...anyway im anxious to find out if there is only one in there simply because she has been taking pills, doing the shots, going to the doctor every month and we all know that most of the women who do that have multiple births..:0 I told her if she produces a litter id gladly take one..lol
Well thats all i have for now...
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Hello friends, so i just spent the last 3hrs at the emergency room gah!. About 4 days ago i started coughing really bad but assumed i was just getting a summer cold and ignored it. The next day started doing the over the counter checkers with this medicine and that and trying a few different home remedies that everybody loves to offer when they see you hacking up a lung. Thursday night when i got off work i was suppose to go see my guy for some playtime but my body and head hurt so bad from coughing that i v lined it to walmart instead and loaded up on nyquil and thera flu. It was at that moment when i chose medicine and bed over sex that i was feelin pretty damn bad. Last night when i got off work i litterally felt like id been run over by a truck but i had promised a couple friends id meet them for a drink so i head to the bar. Well that was a bad idea because after a couple drinks i like to smoke and i ended up having many drinks last night. So i get up today and my chest is hurting so bad im having to hold back the tears. It felt as if someone was sitting on my chest and i couldnt breathe, every time i swallowed id get these really bad pains and it just burns. Also my coughing was ridiculous and the smoking last night just made it all ten times worse and on top of that my head is pounding like a migraine. I ponder going to the doctor but i had promised my girls id take them to the children's museum today for the arts and crafts fair they had going on and i never break my promises to my babys. So i spent the day trying to pretend i was having a blast but honestly i felt like i was dying. We get home this evening and i get them dinner made and i cant even eat because it hurts so bad to swallow. Then i began coughing so bad i start vomiting and im gasping for air. My mom comes to check on me and she takes one look at me and demands i go to the emergency room right then and i didnt argue lol. So i get there and they take all these tests, give me a shot of dilaudid and give me a breathing treatment. Tests come back and the verdict is i have acute bronchitis and the doctor of course lectures me on allowing it to go on as long as i did and then tells me he wants me to take the next 4 days off work and rest. Doctor doesnt know me very well because my ass will be back to work monday lol but i did get some antibiotics, pain meds and a puffer so hopefully ill be back to healthy in a couple days. I already feel much better just from the breathing treatment but hell that could just be the shot talking.
Anyway that is all, figured id share.
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Hello friends, so its been awhile since i wrote a blog about my life so here it goes.
I got that awesome amazing job i had been talking about and i LOVE it! Ive met some great people and its nice when going to work is like going to hang out at a friends house lol.
As some of you may know im a writer and i like to think im very good at it. Ive recently been given an amazing opportunity to display my work but anyway thats all i can say at this time.
What else..hhmm Oh YEAH! Ive been having lots of freaky crazy incredible sex and its not only wonderful but great excercise lmao. Several weeks ago i started talking to an old fwb and we've decided to see where it goes this time. To be honest its just nice to have fun without labels and expectations.
Finally as ive saved the best for last ive decided its time to move out from my mother's and allow her to continue healing without me enabling her anymore. So ive found this really cute lil 2 bedroom place on some land so it has a huge yard for the girls and privacy..big plus! I go Friday to meet the landlord and work out all the details so im super uber excited.
So that is all for me, least what i can think of at this moment...p/s i still want tongue salutes :)
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Ok friends ive recently posted some new pics which i think are ok but then i got to thinking...ive seen lots of people post pics that im sure they thought was cute but was actually ridiculously horrid and embarassing. Then people feel bad for that person and say nice things when they really wanna laugh.
So friends im asking you that if my pics are horrid...tell me LOL. Sometimes it takes another's opinion to see the truth.
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Calling all friends.....ok ya'll so i have a really great friend whom i just got to join and i think it'd be really awesome if ya'll would scope her out, say hi whatever. Ive already de-virginized her in the mumms and she loved it, so lets rape her the mummer way :)...
Since i have no idea how to get the damn link to her page in this blog ima just put it in a comment below...
p/s...I still want tongue salutes :)
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Hello friends, so i still want lots and lots of tongue salutes simply because they are AWESOME n stuffs!!
Just message them to me so i can save them please and thank you. I wont be able to upload until either i VIP or level but please keep taking them!!!
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Im in a weird mood tonight, cant really explain it so im not gonna try. Instead ive randomly decided to make a tongue salute folder and i think it'd be really awesome for my friends to ya know..just do it!
Im not asking anyone to write on their tongues, just take a pic sticking your tongue out and if i get some ill make a special folder....something to laugh at when nothing else seems funny.
Anyway sounds good to me....
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