People ask "how are you doing" and i always say good, they ask "whats new with you" and i always say same o same o, they ask "havent seen you around much" and i always respond with just busy with work and life. I avoid the truth, i always try to sound happy and i carry around a fake smile with the hope my outgoing personality and silliness cover the pain and fear in my heart. Fact is a person can only be so strong, can only carry so much before it becomes too overwhelming and all you want is to be told everything is going to be ok, all you want no all you need is to be hugged and hear in someone's voice understanding and compassion without the undertones of pity. People face extreme obstacles everyday, yes we have friends but why burden others when they have their own life to deal with, how can one allow themselves to lean on another without coming off as needy or attention craved. I always try to be a good friend, ive said many times i have a hero complex to the point i neglect my own self just to be able to give to others and its pride stripping when its time to be a hero for yourself and all your doing is falling apart. Ive done good until now, ive accepted the weight of my circumstances and ive remained positive knowing one is not given more than one can handle. Ive been the responsible mother showing my children only strength and hiding outcomes so not to worry them. Ive worked thru the doctors orders and in the most pain because i do have lil girls that depend on me for all their needs, nobody else is going to do it and nobody else should, thats an oath i took the day i became blessed as a mother and not just a woman. Ive not had an easy life, ive had to fight from birth and im still fighting to get to the light at the end of the tunnel because i refuse to believe ive made it this far just for it to end without at least one great thing happening for me, without the complete satisfaction of happiness, without proving to my children that making it thru the struggle and never giving up holds the gift of euphoria.
The last couple years have been hell but these last 3 months has become something i cant even describe, hell would be a vacation. Im not going to go into to detail, i refuse to allow anyone to feel sorry for me as i know that i am still alive and people fight this fight every day. Life isnt fair and as low as it may go there is always someone out there who has it far worse. The true test is knowing deep within this obstacle lays a great lesson, something that when learned can only make me stronger and i welcome that.
This is just a rant, a vent to release pent up frustrations, my way of standing on a moutaintop and screaming to the top of my lungs that this is my life and i am in control.
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